Someday, Somewhere
by Otaku D-Man
Summary: Eighth Mistake Made – The Hunt Begins and the Girls Learn Things About Themselves and Each Other That Complicate Things Even Further.
1. First Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

Let's face it. I don't have it, you don't have it. We all want it. We'll never get it.

Damn, it's like my last girlfriend. (Impossible to get your hands on it and even if you did, police would turn up to haul you away.)

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

I decided to try my hand at a parody this time (Yes, Yes. I haven't forgotten that I still owe everyone a Shinji/Asuka, Shinji/Mana and a Shinji/Hikari fic – Curse you Dennisud, I don't have any creative talent. Hell, I don't have any talent period.) Even so, OOC'ness will be curtailed to a degree, but will be indulged in as the situation merits.

This is just a spacer fic to help me unwind while I persevere with 'All That I Am' (You will notice I've managed to post Chp 8 as well and I've finished 9, 10, 11 and 12 and started 13.) 

And yes, I know it's all been done before. Numerous times and by those with superior skills and actual talent. (Skill and talent. It would be so much easier if I had some.)

By the way, I'm going to leave the whole pairings type thing until the end. Yep, basically I don't even know (or care, remember this is a stress relieving, non-sensical story). Perhaps I'll leave it as a poll. The reader's choice can determine who bags our erstwhile hedgehog.

The nominees are – 

Asuka , Rei , the Rei-quarium , Hikari , Mana , Maya , Misato , Ritsuko , Lillith , Arael and the various ACC's I'll sprinkle through the subsequent chapters. (Like the ACC's even have a chance.)

Sorry but I don't particularly like Yuri or Yaoi, so don't expect too much of an appearance of anything even remotely like it. I may be an Otaku Fanboy, but the whole shonen/shoujo ai thing comes off as predominately masturbation fantasies with little to no merit. (Personal opinion only.)

Don't really know how long this will go or how long between updates.

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_First Mistake – Who, Me?_**

**_The Living Hell That Is School_**

Touji stared at his friends face, wincing involuntarily. "Jeez Shin-man, that looks pretty bad. What d'ya do this time ta deserve that?" The 'That' in question was a large, ugly bruise decorating Shinji Ikari's face.

"I'm not really sure." Shinji replied, shrugging his shoulders. "I was preparing dinner last night when Asuka came out of the bathroom. There was a flash of red and all of a sudden she's screaming something about me being a pervert and the next thing I know, I'm waking up staring at the kitchen ceiling." The only thing to come unscathed out of the entire drama was the food. Luckily enough he had been able to salvage most of it, otherwise Pen Pen may have decided to take action.

A disgruntled warm water penguin high on booze and burnt mackerel was not something he wanted to witness ever again.

Kensuke closed the net hack utility he was running before joining the conversation. "What did Misato-san say about it?" His computer beeped happily, alerting him to the successful purge of all instances of his external activities utilising school resources. When infiltrating military mainframes, it always paid to cover your tracks. It was a good thing he always dispersed his signal throughout the education departments server. 

Although he couldn't help but feel partly responsible when the school's main office was destroyed by the JSSDF.

Shinji tentatively touched the fringes of the swelling, hissing at the resulting spark of agony. "That she'd take me in to headquarters to see Ritsuko-san this afternoon." His hopes that he would be taken to a regular hospital with normal medical staff had been blithely ignored by his guardian. In fact, she had seemed all too happy about the whole thing.

Touji's ears perked up at the name. "You mean that hot blonde doctor?" He had only seen the green eyed scientist once, but she had made quite an impression on his adolescent psyche.

"Ritsuko-san?" Shinji had to admit that Ritsuko was attractive. He had just never taken the time to think about it all that much. Every time he was with Ritsuko he was more concerned about escaping in one piece. She wasn't labelled a mad scientist by NERV personnel out of spite alone.

"Kami I envy you Shinji." Kensuke began weeping openly. He found it distressing that the one person who didn't seem to care was the one who continually hit the jackpot. "Piloting EVA. Living with Misato-san." Unable to restrain his emotions any further, Kensuke's weeping evolved into wracking sobs.

Rolling his eyes to the heavens, well, to the ceiling anyway, Shinji sighed. The chances of seeing anything even remotely resembling sympathy was looking bleak. "Then tell Asuka. I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige." He would gladly trade it all in for a shot at a normal life. One free of piloting giant biomechanical monsters, living with drunken slobs and violent psychopaths and having to work for an indifferent, bastard of a father.

***

" and then he pulled out his di-…….." Asuka paused in her exaggerated re-telling of the previous nights encounter with a certain notorious Baka Hentai, her finely honed senses alerting her to a disturbance in the social fabric of the classroom. "Hikari, why are all the other girls glaring at you?"

"Me?" Hikari glanced around, noting the dark, murderous expression marring the faces of the female majority. She followed their lines of sight, quickly triangulating the position of their actual target. "They're glaring at you Asuka." She whispered.

Surprised at Hikari's revelation, Asuka sat upright. "What?" She exclaimed. "Why would they do that?" As far as Asuka cared to know, she was admired and revered by all. She was their idol. They placed her on a pedestal, worshiping her in all her glory. But she could understand if they were jealous of her intelligence, her beauty or her ability as the best EVA Pilot. It wasn't her fault she was simply the best at everything.

It was Hikari's turn to act surprised. "You mean you don't know?" Knowing Asuka, Hikari opted for tact, rather than blunt and brutal criticism. "Honestly Asuka, for a college graduate, you can be a little dense sometimes."

Well, maybe just a little bit.

"Then tell me. What's got their panties all in a bunch?" Asuka detested secrets. She just had to know anything and everything that was transpiring around her.

"Ikari-kun." Hikari replied. The resignation in her voice indicating that she expected Asuka to catch on fairly quickly.

Asuka caught on, she just misinterpreted the meaning. "Baka Shinji? What did that pervert do this time?" Asuka bristled. "I'll kill him." Standing up, Asuka prepared to drag the boy from his seat and punish him for causing the problem.

Hikari quickly grabbed Asuka's arm and forced her back into her seat. "No Asuka. It's nothing he did. It's more to do with how you continue to treat him." She explained.

Asuka stared, dumbfounded. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What are you talking about, Hikari? I treat Shinji exactly as he deserves." Asuka truly believed that, if anything, she was far too lenient on Shinji.

It was Hikari's turn to stare in utter confusion at Asuka's words. "As he deserves? What about that nasty bruise on his cheek?"

"He was being a perverted little boy." Asuka declared. "What else could I do?" Why couldn't everyone else see that she had been left with no other alternative?

"But from what you said, he didn't even see you when the towel fell down. Yet you hit him anyway." Hikari considered how she would have reacted if she was in Asuka's position. Naked and alone in the kitchen with Shinji Ikari. The teenage girls' mind extrapolated a number of possibilities causing a small trickle of blood appeared from her left nostril.

"So what?" Asuka replied, altogether indifferent about what other people thought of her actions. "Why are all the girls upset about it anyway?" She still had trouble understanding this and Hikari had yet to explain it properly. How could they despise her for her treatment of Shinji Ikari? It defied comprehension.

"Because they like him." Hikari answered evasively, bowing her head, embarrassed with the admission.

"They ……. Like ……….. him?" Asuka repeated, trying to dissect the statement. "Shinji? Are they all mad?" Panic began establishing its business in Asuka's heart.

 - Meanwhile, in Asuka's mind -   
_//Chibi Asuka appears on a large stage. Accompanied by the rest of her class and colleagues.//_

"Well I know I'm not." Hikari answered meekly, trying to hide her slowly developing blush.

"What? Wait a minute Hikari, you mean to tell me you actually like that idiot?" Inside Asuka's stomach, panic began a thriving trade, causing her stomach to twist into knots. "I thought you liked monkey boy? Not that he's what I'd call an improvement." She muttered.

_//Chibi Asuka boots the Chibi Idiot Duo off the stage and moves to claim Chibi Shinji.//_

Nodding her head, Hikari frowned momentarily. "I do like Suzuhara-kun. But Ikari-kun seems really nice to." Her eyes glazed over. "He cooks and cleans. He's always courteous and kind." Glancing over at the boy in question, Hikari drooled. "And he's got a really cute butt."

_//Chibi Hikari latches onto Chibi Shinji first much to Chibi Asuka's chagrin.//_

Asuka leaned forward and gently shook Hikari from her reverie. "Look Hikari, I'll save you the lecture on why you should avoid that cowardly, perverted wimp, but for your own good, please, you'll be much happier if you stay well away from Baka Shinji." Asuka pleaded, unsure as to why she would do so, only that she felt it necessary.

Very, very necessary.

_//Chibi Asuka begins stamping her foot, pointing at Chibi Shinji and Chibi Hikari.//_

"So you don't like him?" Hikari asked hopefully. "Not at all?" Unnoticed by the two girls, the rest of the females present were listening in, anxious to know Asuka's true intentions.

"Like him? I can't stand him!" Asuka glared as cheers and applause erupted from the female population of 2A. "The only reason I live with the stooge is because NERV force me to."

"So you won't mind if I make him a bento?" Hikari asked, eager to stake her claim as soon as possible.

_//Chibi Hikari presents Chibi Shinji a full course meal that he promptly begins to eat, his polite comments causing the girl to swoon with delight.//_

Asuka waved her hand dismissively. "Of course not……………Bento? For Baka Shinji?" The aforementioned Panic merchant began opening multiple retail outlets and franchises.

"Hmm. I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I thought I'd at least ask you first." Hikari didn't really want to make an enemy of Asuka, but she had to make her move soon, especially if certain rumours she had heard were true.

"Me? Why even ask me?" Asuka demanded.

_//Chibi Asuka watches on in disbelief as Chibi Shinji kisses Chibi Hikari who promptly melts into a squealing puddle.//_

"Well, before you came, we all thought that maybe Ikari-kun and Ayanami were something of an item." Hikari considered how she had often caught the shy young boy gazing with some interest at the quiet albino.

_//Chibi Rei appears, her large crimson eyes locked on her target.//_

"Sounds about right." Asuka growled, her fists clenching tight and her knuckles popping ominously. "They're practically made for each other." She spat venomously. "Idiot Boy and his sidekick, Wonder Doll." The image of the First and Third Children embracing one another had her feeling faint and nauseous.

_//Chibi Rei launches herself at Chibi Shinji, knocking and pinning him to the ground.//_

"Its kind of why all the girls have held back. First because of Ayanami and then because of you." Hikari said, numerous female heads bobbing in agreement at her words. Had it not been for Rei and Asuka, the prime real estate that was Shinji Ikari would have been claimed and developed long ago.

"You make it sound like he's two-timing us. Trust me Hikari, if he even breathes in my general direction I'll make him pay." Asuka declared, ignoring what her own innermost self was screaming.

_//The stage rapidly vanishes, leaving Chibi Asuka floating alone in mid air.//_

"Thanks Asuka." Hikari beamed, happy that she felt she had reached an understanding with her best friend.

Asuka looked at the corner she had backed herself into. "Your funeral Hikari."

_//Chibi Asuka falls into the spiralling vortex below, her screams and cries of despair ringing in Asuka's head.//_

***

The Class Representative intends to gain Pilot Ikari's favour. This is unacceptable.

Over the intervening months since the appearance of the Third Children, Rei had found herself studying his actions and interactions with those around him more and more often. Initially out of a sense of duty. He was the Commander's son after all, even if Commander Ikari appeared largely indifferent to his child's suffering.

This had changed after she had vowed to protect him from the Fifth Angel. The order to protect him had never been rescinded, so she had continued to observe his movements, intending to ensure his safety.

Eventually, she had come to the conclusion that his shy attempts at friendship were agreeable.

Very agreeable.

I enjoy his attention. I will be the sole focus of his thoughts.

Rei was not unobservant. Most people thought ignorant simply because of her disregard for most things around her. She knew of the infatuation that many of the girls at school had for the Pilot of Unit 01. It was hard to miss, especially when, as in one particular instance, they threw themselves at him.

And now it appeared that the Class representative was going to try her luck.

I will need to implement the scenario sooner than originally anticipated.

Rei had developed a series of intricately interwoven events. All of which could be quite easily summarised.

1 - Shinji Ikari.  
2 - Rei Ayanami.  
3 - Her apartment.  
4 - A new lock on the door.  
5 - The two of them locked inside.  
6 - And finally, a repeat performance of the infamous Fall.

Only this time Rei felt it more appropriate that they both be naked.

Perhaps I will try being on top.

Rei stared out the window, the pink tinge to her cheeks unnoticed by all and sundry as her crimson gaze located a very Shinji Ikari shaped reflection in the glass.

Yes. Most satisfactory.

***

Mana Kirishima continued to stare at the object of her interest, ignoring all else. It mortified her that her poor Shinji-kun was being so badly treated by the German hellion. Not a day passed without her fearing for his safety.

But all that was going to change, and very soon if her father was right. As a Special Financial Director, he had nearly as much say as the Commander of NERV over management decisions, especially when he controlled all the purse strings for SEELE.

And like most father's, he doted on his only child. Ever since the tragic loss of his wife, he had done all he could to ensure his daughter's happiness. And Mana had informed her dear father that her happiness was linked by the red thread of fate to one Shinji Ikari.

At first he had been somewhat dubious about her request, but she had only to force one solitary tear before he had caved in to her demand.

"Yes Shinji-kun. Very soon you won't have to worry about suffering at the hands of that succubus." Mana began giggling to herself at the thought of just how she would make the most of her opportunities when Shinji was relocated to live with her and her father.

Oh yes, Shinji-kun. Very soon you will be mine, all mine.

***

"Aaaahhhcchhoooo!"

Kensuke leapt away in disgust, wiping the viscous coating Shinji had graciously endowed him with. "Hey, watch it man."

Shinji wiped his nose, wondering if he was catching a cold. "Sorry Ken. I don't know what came over me."

Touji slapped him on the back, knocking him unintentionally out of his chair. "Someone probably talking about you. That's what Mari always says anyway."

Dusting himself off, Shinji rejoined his friends. "How is your sister?" He asked, steering the subject away from Kensuke's continued obsession with Misato, EVA and Angels.. 

Fixing Shinji into a headlock, Touji flexed his bicep. "She was real happy after you visited her the other day, thanks for that Shinji." His sister had wanted to meet the Pilot of the big robot that was out there saving the world, and whatever Mari wanted, Touji would do anything and everything to ensure it happened. Thankfully Shinji had been more than happy to visit the recovering girl. He'd have hated to have to beat him unconscious and drag him to the hospital. It would probably put a strain on their friendship.

"No problem." Shinji gasped. "It's kind of my fault she got injured anyway." His eyes rolled up as the oxygen supply to his lungs and brain gradually diminished.

Blissfully unaware of Shinji's predicament, Touji tightened his grip. "Forget it man. The doc's all said she'll be up and about in no time."

"Hey Shinji?" Kensuke prodded the now oddly motionless form of Shinji Ikari.

Shinji's deathly pale skin regained its normal pallor. "Yeah?"

Kensuke's eyes widened in shock at the Lazarus performance. "You upset the Class Rep recently?"

"No." Shinji shook his head. "Not that I know of. Why?" He asked nervously, wondering what he had done to upset Asuka's best friend. It was bad enough that Asuka pointedly declared her undying hatred for him on a daily basis without having the contagion spreading to others.

"She's staring right at you man." Kensuke pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose, causing the light to reflect dangerously from the glass.

"At Shinji?" Touji interjected, releasing his stranglehold on the boy.

"Yeah." Kensuke confirmed.

Touji glanced around the room, noting several other similar anomalies. "Hey, so is Kirishima."

"And Ayanami." Kensuke added, catching the azure haired girl in the act. Her crimson eyes had been locked on the young Ikari. He wasn't sure what her eyes were saying but he was sure she looked almost…………..hungry.

Touji's eyes widened in disbelief. "Mizuki…….the Kuniko twins……….Holy shit. They're all looking this way." He looked back at an obviously shaken Shinji. "They're all looking at you man."

Kensuke shook Shinji's shoulder. "Shin-man, just what did you do?"

"I'm telling you, I haven't done anything!" Shinji whined.

"Dude, you may want to avoid them." Touji advised. "Maybe they're starting to believe all that crap that the Devil keeps saying." The student rumour mill paid no heed to lies and falsehoods, in fact it seemed to feed off the outright fabrications.

"Can things get any worse?" Shinji moaned, knowing the answer.

Of course they can!

***

**_NERV - The Place Where Tax Dollars Are Wasted_**

Shinji was beginning to wonder at what point Kami-sama had taken a personal interest in making his life miserable.

"Why me?" He asked the floor tiles. Considering he had been staring at them for the last twenty minutes while waiting for Misato to come and collect him, he figured that he may as well ask. Not that he expected an answer, but hey, you never know.

Stranger things had happened before.

He couldn't understand it. Asuka and Rei's physical examinations took all of about ten minutes total. Yet when his turn came, it dragged on for nearly an hour and a half. He had originally suspected that Ritsuko was acting on orders from his father. But when he had quizzed both Misato and Maya, who were present for each and every one of his check-ups, they had both told him it was simply because he was a special case, citing his unique ability to synchronise and activate Unit 01 without any prior training. How his ability as a Pilot was improving at a dramatic rate compared to the other two Pilots.

"Then why do I feel so cheap and used each and every time I have a medical?" He complained, his skin feeling raw and extremely tender. Deciding to track Misato down, Shinji began the laborious process of searching the maze that was NERV headquarters.

Unnoticed by the young Ikari, each and every security camera turned to follow his passage through the corridors of NERV. The footage presently being telecast on a secure digital feed to a select group of paying customers throughout the city. 

Evangelions didn't just grow on trees. The money had to come from somewhere, and with a monthly subscription service to the 'Shinji Ikari Channel' costing ¥9995 with regular Pay Per Views at ¥4995 each, SEELE nearly had enough to fund the construction of the Mass Production Series.

***

**_Lair of the Bastard King Himself_**

"So what do you intend to do Ikari?" Kouzou looked up from his book, waiting for Gendou's reply. "You cannot avoid making a decision forever."

Gendou Ikari spared a glance at the papers and requisition forms piled on his desk. "I have considered their various demands and have made my decision." Now he would only have to wait and see if it was the correct one.

"And that would be?" The situation had Kouzou worried. There was far too much room for error. And in their business, errors often had fatal consequences.

"The Third Children will be relocated to the training barracks." Of all the available alternatives, it was the only one that guaranteed everyone an equal chance whilst minimising the potential backlash. Gendou smirked behind his folded hands. This way, he couldn't be held responsible. All blame would land squarely on the shoulders of the Pilot of Unit 01.

"That's not what Special Director Kurishima demanded." Kouzou shook his head, recalling the specifics of '_that'_ conversation. Special Financial Director Kirishima had made his stance very clear.

Concede or perish.

Not a great deal of room for interpretation.

Gendou was not one to be easily intimidated. "He was not the only one to lodge such a request."

Although he had a fairly good idea, Kouzou couldn't resist in asking. "Who else?"

Gendou started at the top of the pile. "Major Katsuragi demands he stay where he is and has requested the Second Children be relocated," His eyes moved down the page. "in her own words. 'Please dear Kami-sama, anywhere else but here'."

"Perhaps the Major has his best interests at heart after all. What of Sohryu? How did she react?" Kouzou could only imagine how terrible it must have been. Asuka's last temper tantrum had nearly bankrupted NERV. How she had managed to access NERV's bank accounts to finance her spending spree was still under investigation.

Gendou resisted the urge to shiver. "Surprisingly well. No fatalities and only eight casualties. Her only insistence was that she be given ownership of 'Baka Shinji' to, what was it she said," Gendou shuffled through the reams of paper, dragging out the specific form lodged by the Pilot of Unit 02. " oh yes, to protect the safety of women everywhere from his hentai ways."

Kouzou didn't bother to stifle his amusement at the Second Children's continued refusal to admit her true feelings. "Protecting her own interests I would hazard. The poor boy would spend more time hospitalised than he does now."

"Doctor Akagi agrees and has stated her concerns for the continued health of Pilot Ikari. She has requested he be re-assigned into her care."

"Doesn't Doctor Akagi's apartment only have one bedroom?" A sly grin appeared on Kouzou's face.

"I wouldn't know." Gendou replied quickly. A little too quickly.

"That's not what I've heard." Kouzou began waving a security camera photo showing a certain bearded Commander of NERV leaving a certain fake blonde scientists apartment early in the morning.

Gendou snatched the photo, immediately shredding the offending image, only to stare slack jawed at the numerous copies Kouzou had in reserve. " ……… Lieutenant Ibuki has also offered her apartment based on its proximity to Headquarters."

"Another one bedroom apartment." The photo this time showing the aforementioned blonde scientist hammering in frustration on the door, trying to force her way inside. 

Gendou stared at the photo, momentarily speechless at the scene captured on the polaroid.

Retrieving the photo, Kouzou slipped it back into his private collection. "Anyone else?"

"……… Rei …….." Still recovering from the last revelation, Gendou lifted the weighty remaining collection of papers from his desk.

"What about Rei?"

"She has simply stated her demands." Gendou passed the list to his advisor.

Kouzou quickly skimmed the list, his eyes widening. "She is quite clear and concise about things."

"I can only blame myself for that." Gendou admitted somewhat sheepishly.

"Well she is following in your footsteps." Kouzou confirmed. He turned the subsequent attached pages and looked to Gendou for an explanation. "Why did she write the same things over and over?"

Gendou lay his head on the desk and covered it with his hands. "The spare parts." His muffled voice replied.

"The Rei-quarium?" Kouzou's eyebrow lifted. "Do they intend to time-share him?" Considering what was stated quite categorically in Rei's application for ownership of Shinji, it was a safe bet that the poor lad would most likely die from exhaustion if they ever captured him.

"He should be thankful that the tank is sealed." Gendou himself was thankful for the application of such stringent safety protocols. Experience had taught him that the Rei clones were not particularly fond of him at all.

"About that ………" Kouzou trailed off, uncertain of just how to break the news to Gendou of certain, recent developments.

Gendou buried his head in his hands, groaning audibly. Had he still had the ability to cry, the office would be flooded with his tears. "What now?"

"Well, Doctor Akagi was at it again. You really need to do something about that Ikari." Kouzou scolded his former student. In his opinion, Ritsuko's continued attempts at bleaching the azure locks of each and every Rei clone bordered on disturbing.

"Why is it my fault she mistakenly chose the permanent blonde hair dye over blue back in college?" Gendou complained. He was sick and tired of listening to Ritsuko bemoan the fact she had wanted blue hair back in her rebellious college days. "Regardless, where are they?"

"I instructed Section 2 to have them relocated to a mostly vacant section of the Installations facilities. It's somewhere …………… here, I think." His finger rested on a very familiar part of the NERV map.

"Good." Gendou confirmed his approval of the decision. "Wait a minute Fuyutsuki." He inspected the map once more. "This is next to Training Barracks."

"Yes?" Kouzou shrugged, not making the connection. "As I stated, it is predominately vacant. Suiting our needs for the moment."

"Who else has just been reassigned to that self same section?" He asked, clearly upset at the faux pas instigated by his Second in Command.

Kouzou's face paled. "Oh shit."

"Oh shit indeed." Gendou agreed sarcastically.

"What should we do?" Kouzou asked.

"What's with the 'We' bit? The Third will need to stand on his own. He will adapt as is necessary." At least he hoped so. His opinion of Shinji to date was not filling him with confidence.

"So you see the only available alternative is leaving the boy to fend for himself?" Kouzou asked, surprised that Gendou would allow such a situation to continue. "Again?" He added, just to ensure Gendou knew who was ultimately responsible for the sometimes odd behaviour of the Pilot of Unit 01.

"Have Section 2 prepare for the eventual damage control procedures." Gendou ordered. "And contact Lieutenant Aoba."

"Aoba? Isn't he running the lottery on who actually '_bags_' the boy?" The lottery in question had been running since Shinji's appearance in Tokyo-3. To date the jackpot was worth enough to actually buy the remaining tropical islands of the Okinawa region.

"Perhaps." Gendou conceded. He had turned a blind eye to the majority of gambling, racketeering and money laundering in NERV. Mainly because he was allocated a percentage on any and all transactions.

As the old saying went. _'It's good to be the King.'_

"So, who did you have your money on?" Kouzou inquired, wondering if he had made the correct choice with his own wager.

***

**_End First Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Typical fanboy crap. I know. But it helps to get this sort of stuff out of the system so I can focus on my real works. Not that they're much better.

Don't hold your breath waiting for an update. This thing was pretty much spur of the moment. Done this morning between 1 and 3 am, so if it looks hastily cobbled together garbage, that's because it is.

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	2. Second Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

Talk to the guy (GraceOmega) that's continuing Raiden X's 'Shinji Huntin Season'. He has a brilliant understanding of just how much any of us own this particular property. I wonder if I upset anyone with my opinion when I reviewed. Hopefully no one takes fanfiction writing '_that'_ seriously. But what the hey. No one can hate me as much as I do.

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

For a piece of ill-conceived tripe that was more a concoction fuelled by stress, self-hatred and insomnia than actually thoughtfully planned, it appears a select few actually enjoyed this. I must be doing something wrong.

As previously threatened, this is more or less (mostly less) a time wasting story when I really should be watching anime, working, writing my other stories or learning how to be a productive member of society.

Please don't ask for longer chapters. I spent about three hours stringing this crap together with about five minutes worth of proof reading. So if it's gripping dialogue and insightful, dramatic prose your looking for, why the hell did you choose this. Go to Darkscribes or EFO.

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_Second Mistake – Finally a Free Man?_**

**_NERV – Deciding Your Fate Since 13th September 2000_**

Nighttime at NERV HQ was fraught with peril for an unchaperoned fourteen-year-old male. Especially considering the majority of NERV's workforce were female.

Frantic, frustrated, female, single and all desperate to rectify the situation.

The path Shinji tread would have destroyed the mind of any normal human being. His unintentional survival tactic was simple.

Turn SDAT volume up to the point where your ears bleed from the static, stare dejectedly at the floor, blissfully ignore everything happening around you and most of all obsess with your personal inner demons. Quite easy to do when he was alone and preferable to some of the external demons that plagued his existence.

At least the inner demons didn't leave bite marks.

Occasionally he would simply open a nearby door, hoping that blind chance would have him meet up with Misato so he could go home already.

Apparently blind chance despised him as much as Asuka did. Just without all the shouting and bleeding.

Pausing in one particular doorway, Shinji looked on in absolute terror.

There before him stood Ritsuko Akagi.

Doctor Ritsuko Akagi.

Chief Scientist of NERV.

Directly in charge of Project E and the MAGI Super Computers.

A brilliant and attractive woman by anyone's standard.

Dressed in a revealing vinyl cat suit, complete with tail, ears and lapping at a bowl of cream.

Being uncomfortable in any given situation that involved life, NERV and women, Shinji managed to gape for a few moments before his whimpering inner pansy convinced all the blood in his body not essential in maintaining minimal life support to migrate to his cheeks and declare independence.

"Uhhmm ……. Hello Ritsuko-san, sorry for intruding." Shinji stammered, blushing uncontrollably. His hormones, having wrested control over eyes forced said dark cobalt orbs to slowly roam over Ritsuko's svelte body.

In response, a breakaway faction of haemoglobin instigated a failed coup de tat and was summarily ejected out his left nostril.

Ritsuko looked up from her nightly repast, fixing her emerald eyes on the obviously unsettled Shinji. "Meow?" Her tail began twitching at the sight of her prey. Her cute, embarrassed and all together delectable prey.

Shinji now knew why Ritsuko was always trying to get him to wear the mouse ears.

"I think I'll be leaving now." Shinji slowly edged his way back out into the hall, not really wanting to play _'Cat and Mouse' _with Ritsuko right this very moment.

"Shinji-kun." Ritsuko ran her tongue slowly over her latex clad fingers, licking the cream from each and every digit.

"Uhhrrr….. Yes?" He glanced at the doorway, hoping the few metres between them would provide enough of a head start before she pounced.

Ritsuko winked, directing an extremely predatory grin at the boy. "Puuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr."

"Eeeepp" Shinji squeaked, causing Ritsuko's cat ears to perk up.

The chase was on '_Tom and Jerry'_ style. Only '_Tom_' had some very interesting things planned for this particular '_Jerry_'.

Shinji began running. Not your average, run of the mill Olympic sprint for the gold. No this was the _'ohshitohshitohshitohshit'_ panic stricken dash that kept at least one person standing at the end of a slasher movie.

Unable to resist the temptation, Shinji looked back over his shoulder. His eyes widened momentarily. Bounding along merrily in her thigh-high stiletto heeled boots just behind him enjoying the thrill of the hunt was Ritsuko, looking like she desperately wanted something to dig her teeth into and rake her nails across.

***

Gendou decided to thank whomever it was that suggested he ensure anyone that entered his office relinquish all firearms and other weapons at the door on the way in. It made it so much easier to survive the day without having some disgruntled employee deciding to perform open heart surgery (without anaesthesia) in the hopes of discovering once and for all whether the Bastard King did in fact have a heart or not

Or times like now. When lavender haired Director's of Tactical Operations decided to pay a friendly visit to discuss certain issues.

"What do you mean my Shinji-kun is being relocated?" Misato's hand kept going to her gun holster clutching the void where her pistol would normally be. "Just who in the hell do you think you are?" Misato couldn't understand why Gendou wasn't dead already.

 - Meanwhile in Misato's mind - 

_//Chibi Misato levels her SKS assault rifle, conveniently modified for fully automatic fire at Chibi Bastard Ikari.//_

Confidant that the woman was incapable of inflicting grievous bodily harm without a firearm, Gendou smirked behind his interlaced fingers. "Major, I am not in the habit of repeating myself. My decision is final."

Noticing how Major Katsuragi was cracking her knuckles and popping her shoulder joints, Kouzou began moving steadily away from the very soon to be Ground Zero that was Gendou Ikari's desk.

//_The trigger is pulled and Chibi Misato raises her Yebisu flag of victory over the bullet ridden Chibi corpse.//_

Asuka slammed a plug suit clad hand on the desk, globules of LCL splattering up onto Gendou. "So Baka Shinji gets to move out leaving me with the tramp and that perverted penguin." The young girl turned on her guardian, levelling her index finger directly between Misato's eyes, causing even more LCL to spray across the room and its occupants. "And just what pray tell do you mean by '_Your Shinji'?"_

It had not been a good day for Asuka. Her best (and only) friend had decided to make a play for one of her most treasured possessions. It was bad enough that she had to spend a majority of each and every day protecting his firm, round behind from the clutches of '_Wonder Slut'_ and the green-eyed whore Kirishima. Now she had to add Hikari to the ever-growing list as well.

_//Chibi Misato begins the systematic removal of all potential threats to her Chibi Shinji. Including a species/gender confused Chibi warm water penguin.//_

"No one's forcing you to stay at my apartment Asuka. You're free to leave at any time. And for your information, Shinji '_is'_ mine." Misato pulled out a laminated copy (The original being protected in a super secret location, Misato just had to figure out where she left it.) of her Transfer of Ownership over one Shinji Ikari. "The old bastard here signed him over to me." 

Satisfied that her claim to anything and everything relating to Shinji was established, Misato removed her red command jacket and readied her limber muscles for the beating she was about to introduce to Gendou's face.

//Chibi Misato pulls the leash that is around Chibi Shinji's throat. Chibi Shinji sighs and passes his Chibi owner another Yebisu.//

 "Meow?"

The unexpected noise caused all concerned to turn towards the doorway.

Misato stared incredulously. "Ritsu-chan?" Her addled, sober brain tried to reconcile the cat woman before her with her normally cold and clinical friend. "Where's your lab coat?"

"Doctor Akagi?" Gendou was confused also. Ritsuko had declared categorically that she had no idea how the Cosplay expenditure items had appeared as a part of NERV's annual budget.

Trying to act casual and as if everything was normal, Ritsuko started backing out of the office. "I was  uhmm trying to uhhrr help Shinji-kun with errr something but I seem to have lost track of him."

***

Shinji climbed to his feet and rubbed his behind. "Oww. What the ……….. Where am I?" Looking around he found himself staring at a large golden lake, presumably LCL, inside a large cavern. The last thing he could remember was being trapped in a room, unable to escape the impending doom-in-a-cat-suit that had been stalking towards him. Then some strange pale woman had appeared behind Ritsuko, staring at him and now he was here. Wherever here was.

"What the hell is that?" Off in the distance, dominating the chamber was a large red cross with the torso of a large white humanoid being crucified to it. "Why am I not surprised that father has something like this stashed away in the basement?" Wandering over to the edge of the lake he peered over the ledge. "I wonder how deep it is?" He wondered.

Normally he would have avoided such a large body of liquid. Not knowing how to swim, let alone float only encouraged his phobia. That and having a warm water penguin pretending to be a shark in the bath tub occasionally. But the lake looked and smelled like LCL, so it was a safe bet that he wouldn't drown.

Unbeknownst to the curious lad, the mask of seven eyes turned to regard this new visitor. Watching the boy leave, Lillith, the second Angel and Mother of Humanity began to move.

***

**_Aida Residence – Just Some Of The Problems With Y Chromosomes_**

Kensuke Aida did a doubletake, staring at what his computer monitor was telling him in disbelief. "Hey Touji, have a look at this!"

With his teenage hormones in overdrive, Touji leapt over to the screen, pressing his face hard up against the glass. "Lemmesee. Huh? Where're all the naked women?" Being a simple man with simple pleasures, Touji let his disappointment be known.

Kensuke could understand the punch to the face, he had almost expected it. He did feel the kick to the groin was slightly unwarranted though. "Kami, it's like you're obsessed or something."

Touji glanced around the room that resembled something of a cross between a military bunker and a sex shop. "I'm obsessed?"

Kensuke shrugged. Everyone had to have a hobby. His simply involved naked women with big guns. "Forget it. This is the school's transfer student list. See the name here?" He pointed to one particular name and the accompanying image.

Touji blinked a couple of times. "Her!? She's coming back?"

"Things just got more interesting." Kensuke cackled manically, the sound causing nearby dogs to begin howling and infants to start bawling.

Touji had long since become accustomed to his smaller friend's behaviour. Besides, he had the cracks that got them access to the really good websites. "So, about the naked women……."

***

**_NERV – Sometimes Double XX's Aren't Much Better_**

Having eventually made his way back to the Command Centre, Shinji found himself greeted by two female Section 2 agents who, after smiling warmly had handcuffed him and began manhandling him all the way to his father's office. He was tempted to ask if the restraints were absolutely necessary but decided not to. The last time he had complained they had gagged and hogtied him and he could get more than enough of that at home.

After a short stop that somehow involved Shinji having to change into and then out of his plug suit under his two captors watchful supervision, they all arrived at the door to Commander Ikari's office.

Removing the handcuffs, both women smiled again and gave Shinji a gentle pat on the behind that bordered on becoming a prolonged grope before ushering him inside to face whatever vile punishment his father had devised for him this time.

"Baka! Where the hell have you been?" Asuka screeched. Seeing Shinji in the company of other women always upset her. It was like perpetual PMS only magnified exponentially by the Asuka factor.

Shinji cringed. It was worse than he had expected. He sincerely hoped his father wasn't going to hand him over to Asuka. There was still so much he hadn't done. First and foremost involving Unit 01, it's fist and the crushed body of a certain NERV Commander.

"Shinji-kun?" Misato paused in the mud hole she was stomping into Gendou. "Shin-chan!" Misato launched herself at the young boy, locking him into Misato Katsuragi embrace Number 7

 - Excerpt form Misato's guide to Shinji Molestation – Embrace #7 – Firmly embed Shinji's face between ample cleavage. Place hands on firm posterior and squeeze. Repeat as required. - 

"Gluurk!" Was all he could manage. Without an air supply it was difficult for Shinji to express his gratitude with Misato's exuberance.

Before Misato could progress through to the latter chapters of her guide, these involving her, Shinji and a bathtub of Yebisu, Gendou recovered enough to intercede.

"Pilot Ikari." He managed to gargle between busted lips and a fractured jaw.

Shinji attempted, albeit reluctantly, to remove his face just enough from between Misato's breasts to glance over at the bloody and bruised person that resembled his deadbeat dad. "Yes father."

"You will no longer be staying with Major Katsuragi." Gendou stated, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His fingers moved to push his glasses back up into place but he remembered that they no longer resided there and considering where Major Katsuragi had shoved them, moving them any further up was the last thing he wanted to do.

"I won't? Where am I going to live?" Shinji asked as Misato began sobbing and working her way through embraces #12 to #36 inclusive, ignoring Asuka's continued shrieks and insults.

***

Shinji peeled his tear soaked shirt off and squeezed and twisted it to drain it of most of Misato's tears. The lipstick marks would have to be soaked out. "Why do I have to move?"

Looking around his new home, his eyes naturally drifted upwards. "Wonderful. Another unfamiliar ceiling."

***

Streets of Tokyo-3 – Where Not Even The Footpath's Are Safe From Stray Blue Alpine's

Shinji leaned back into the passenger seat and smiled. For practically the first time since arriving in Tokyo-3 he was actually enjoying a ride in a car. Not hanging on for grim death was a novel experience, one that he was sure he could learn to enjoy. "Thanks for giving me a ride to school Maya-san." He looked over at the young lieutenant who was concentrating on driving safely. He could barely comprehend the concept. Misato barely used the road as a guide to get from A to B. "It took me most of the night just to find my new living quarters and I ended up sleeping in." Bashfully, Shinji scratched the back of his neck, slightly ashamed of his behaviour.

Maya spared Shinji a brief glance, although her eyes made the most of it before turning back to concentrate on the road. "That's okay Shinji-kun. I had the late shift last night and was heading home anyway. Did you have a chance to have breakfast this morning?" She asked, hoping he hadn't.

Shinji shook his head. "No. I thought I'd have to race to school so I went without." He smiled wistfully. He rarely slept in anymore. Asuka had vowed to make his life even more miserable than it already was if he ever dared to not have her breakfast ready on time. In a way, the constant threat of dire consequences was the best alarm clock he could ever ask for.

Maya gasped. "That's not good Shinji-kun." She scolded him. "A growing young boy needs to keep his strength up." Watching him begin to wilt under her barrage, murmuring his apologies, she quickly devised a plan that would give everyone what they wanted. Especially Maya. She wanted Shinji. Right here. Right now. But passionate, steamy sex would probably impede her driving so she opted for the next best thing. "How about you join me for breakfast? My apartment's fairly close to headquarters, I'll drop you off at school later." She just didn't mention how much later. Or on what day that would be. A young woman has needs damn it and Maya fully intended to have those needs met.

"You're a life saver Maya-san." Shinji beamed. Perhaps moving wasn't so bad. "I'll owe you big time for this."

May grinned. "You'll just have to make it up to me, Shinji-kun." She had some very well thought out ideas on just '_how_' Shinji would be paying her back. It was a good thing her apartment was sound proofed.

"Okay, deal." Shinji agreed. He began humming a tune, watching the morning sun rise above the horizon. The start to a new day heralding his new life as a free man.

Arriving at Maya's apartment, Shinji noted with some pleasure that it was extremely tidy and well maintained, something he appreciated. While his previous residence was in a similar state when he last left it, he was confidant that it would look similar to how it first did when he had originally moved in.

Closing the door, Maya activated the security system, ensuring that they would not be disturbed. "I'll start breakfast in a little bit Shinji-kun. I just want to get out of this uniform and freshen up, okay?" She plucked at her NERV issue clothing and disappeared further into the apartment to decide on something more '_appropriate_' for this morning's entertainment.

"Sure Maya-san." Shinji watched her disappear, blushing as he watched her begin to remove her clothes before she had even entered her room.

***

**_Kirishima Residence – No Officer, That's Not A Trident. It's The Family Pet_**

Mana looked over the recent modifications to her room. She had insisted that if Shinji was going to live with her then it only made sense that they share the same room. Her old bed was gone, replaced with a large heart shaped one residing on a raised platform in the centre of the room. Leaping onto the bed Mana rolled over to stare up at the ceiling. Her reflection grinned back at her.

"I wonder how much school we can miss before someone comes looking for us?" Mana closed her eyes, fantasising of having the man of her dreams in the bed beside her.

***

**_Ayanami Residence – A Nice Little Fixer Upper_**

Rei stared at her reflection. Her reflection stared back.

She had spent most of the morning preparing for school. Unlike most mornings where she simply showered, dressed and left for school, this morning she had decided on certain course of action.

Ikari-kun will notice me.

Glancing at the magazine on the bench top beside her, she continued to brush and style her hair in a similar fashion to the one depicted on the page. Next came the cosmetics. It had taken some time to learn their correct application but if the desired results eventuated it was time well spent.

Confirming that her appearance was similar enough to the picture of the girl in the magazine, Rei nodded her head and left her apartment, the new lock clicking audibly.

Ikari-kun will be mine.

***

**_Ibuki Residence – Hotel California Without Being A Hotel Or In California_**

Tightening the silk sash of her skimpy kimono around her slender waist, hopefully accentuating her feminie charms, Maya took a deep breath and inspected her appearance in the mirror. The fine satin kimono finished halfway down her thighs, ensuring that when she bent over it would undoubtedly ride up enough to offer a tantalising glimpse of her lacy underwear. She sighed, somewhat dissatisfied with the chest area but tried to convince herself that it was more than enough to catch the eye of her darling Shinji.

With a final spray of Pheromone No.5 (guaranteed to overpower the will of even the most clueless male), Maya sashayed out to enjoy herself.

Leaning seductively against the entrance to the kitchen, Maya batted her eyelids. "Sorry for the wait Shin….ji-kun?" Her voice faltered at the sight in her kitchen.

Dressed in her apron, Shinji was putting the finishing touches to the breakfast fry-up he had just prepared. "Oh Maya-san, I hope you don't mind?" He smiled uncertainly, waving an arm over the sumptuous meal arranged on the table. "It's my way of saying thank you for the ride today."

"That's very sweet of you Shinji-kun. Mmmmmmm, delicious. You'll have to teach me '_everything_' you know." Maya took her time, savouring every single bite.

"Anytime." Genuinely pleased with the results, Shinji joined Maya at the table, his eyes surreptitiously running over the young woman. He couldn't help but think she was a very beautiful person. And she's so nice to.

Dabbing her lips with her napkin, Maya leaned her elbows on the table and rested her chin in the cradle of her interlaced fingers. "Now that breakfast is finished, there's something else I'd like you to help me with Shinji-kun."

Shinji finished his tea and looked across the table. "What do you need Maya-san?" He felt his body temperature rising at the sensual smile that graced Maya's otherwise serene features.

Standing up, Maya moved around to sit on the table next to Shinji. "Well how about I just show yo-"

Shinji noticed the clock on the wall over Maya's shoulder. "Ahh, look at the time. I'm going to be late. Sorry Maya-san, can we discuss this later? I really need to get to school." Hastily clearing the table, Shinji grabbed his school bag and made to leave. "Maya-san? Are you ready to go?"

Sighing in defeat, Maya clenched her fist as the veins throbbed on her temple. She would not be denied forever.

***

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – Destroying Childhood Dreams Is Now Part of the Curriculum_**

Taeko Maki often wondered what had possessed her to take the job offer as school nurse in Tokyo-3. The money wasn't all that great, huge monsters appeared occasionally threatening to destroy existence and her prospects for marriage were starting to look bleaker with each passing day.

All things considered, not the lifestyle she had envisaged for herself after finishing college.

I'm only Twenty-Six. How dare he call me a '_Christmas Cake'_.

Things had grown progressively worse with each man she dated. They were all far too grabby, overly egotistical or just plain, brutish idiots. But things had changed recently.

Maybe it's time to arrange another '_Mandatory Check-up'_.

These check ups involved a lottery system. A student's name was selected at random from the school database and that unfortunate person had to undergo a complete physical examination. Unbeknownst to the school faculty, Taeko had adjusted the database so that it contained only one name.

In the last month alone, Shinji had undergone six physicals at school and eight at NERV. It seemed he spent more time naked than clothed.

Her train of thought was suddenly derailed by the frantic cry of one of the third year students. "Nurse Taeko, Yamazaki fell down the steps. We think his leg may be broken." The panic stricken expression indicated that it was an emergency needing immediate attention.

Taeko rolled her eyes heavenward. "Why are you telling me? Tell him to suck it up and act like a man." Waving a hand she dismissed the boy's irrelevant concerns. "I can't be expected to look after you kids each and every time you get hurt." A passing student caught her eye. Her dour expression changed to one of smiles and joy. "Oh Hello Shinji-kun." Taeko dragged the young Pilot to a standstill and ran an appraising eye over him. "How are you today?" She asked, beginning a preliminary examination in the middle of the hallway. Much to the approval of the female students and teachers. "No aches, pains or sprains that I can take of?" She desperately hoped he would have at least a minor sprain or something that would provide her with a convenient excuse to drag him away to her office for a more thorough examination.

Recovering from the initial shock, Shinji smiled. "Oh, hello Taeko-san. No, I'm okay for now. Thanks for asking."

Somewhat disappointed, Taeko smiled nonetheless. ."Anytime cutie."

"Uhhmm about Yamazaki….." The forgotten student added.

Taeko turned on him, furious at the interruption. "Are you still here? Can't you see how busy I am?" Digging into her coat pocket she handed the boy a crumpled piece of paper. "Here, use this."

He stared at it, confused with how this was meant to help his friend with a potentially broken leg. "A map? How will this help?"

"That's where the people who actually give a damn live, give them a call. The number's at the bottom." Taeko watched her favourite patient continue on his way to class. Her eyes followed the way his shirt fell across his shoulders, the way his pants hugged his behind. "Definitely time for another check-up."

***

**_NERV – Where Lies And Deceit Are Valuable Assets_**

"What do you mean '_It's vanished'_?" Gendou scowled. The call requesting his presence in Terminal Dogma had only added to an already unpleasant day. "Gigantic, crucified Angel bodies don't just vanish." His raised arm pointed to the now vacant Red Cross standing silent and alone in an ocean of LCL.

The young sergeant inched backwards. "I know sir, but …… well ………It's not there any more. What should we do?"

Gendou removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop playing '_Girlfriend of Steel 2' _and start searching would be a good start and notify me immediately of any information." He considered the implications of such an event and how it would affect his plan for Third Impact. All things considered, this was not the sort of minor technicality you could fudge your way past with bubblegum and duct tape.

"Understood Sir." The sergeant hastily saluted and ran to begin organising the search party. He wondered how hard it would be to spot a large white torso dragging itself through the Geofront.

Circling a particularly interesting job opportunity (Kouzou considered himself a cautious man. It always paid to have something in reserve in case Instrumentality failed) Kouzou looked across at Gendou. "How could this happen Ikari? I thought the lance was supposed to prevent her regenerative abilities."

Gendou replaced his glasses and stared at the cross. "Rei never got around to it. She complained that she didn't want to hurt her mother." What was it about the three Pilots and their unhealthy attachments to their mothers.

"And you allowed this?" It seemed odd that Gendou would permit any such defiance from Rei. But then again he did spoil the girl outrageously.

"Sensei, there are one hundred and forty-five of them. I can find easier ways to kill myself without resorting to pissing off an entire army of Angel hybrid's capable of wielding their AT Fields."

***

Rei #3 mounted the podium. Clearing her throat she waited until she had the combined attention of her sisters. All one hundred and forty-three of them. "Ikari-kun has relocated to this facility. We will endeavour to ensure his stay is …….pleasant." Her smile was mirrored on the ocean of pale, blue haired girls in the audience.

"AGREED." While their voices were as soft and gentle as always, the sheer number voicing their affirmative acknowledgement in unison created a thunderous response.

Rei #3's eye's narrowed, her frown a sure indication she was upset. "Our older sister has forfeited her claim through her own negligence. Therefore we are the rightful inheritors. Ikari-kun is min- …… ours." The guilty look was also visible on any number of her '_twins_'.

"AGREED."

Brandishing a thick manual in her hand, Rei waved it above her head. "Does everyone have a copy of the scenario."

"YES."

Rei#3's smile was vastly different to the one Shinji had witnessed when he had come to her aid in the aftermath of the Fifth Angel. If any comparison could be made, it could be remarked upon that it resembled the more predatory grin often used by the Second Children. "Then let us proceed."

Being raised to believe that you were replaceable had instilled a peculiar mindset on each and every Rei Clone. They knew that if one perished another would take her place and they had collectively reasoned that it was therefore inconsequential if they eliminated the others. Without her sisters, the remaining Rei would no longer be replaceable and more importantly, she would not have to share her prize.

Plans were definitely being prepared. Essentially it was each and every Rei for herself and to the winner would go Ikari-kun.

***

Young Takeshi Sato thought all his birthdays had come at once. Since joining NERV as a maintenance technician he had thought his chances of catching the eye of one of the many young, attractive and available women that worked here would be easy. Three years and four thousand two hundred and seven rejections later he was beginning to re-think this idea.

But out of nowhere, a beautiful woman strolled past him as he worked laboriously on a communications cable. A beautiful, naked woman.

Slicking his hair back, Takeshi moved up beside the woman, his eyes dipping down to her more salient features. "Excuse me miss. You really shouldn't wander around naked."

Have you seen Him?

He could swear that her lips hadn't budged yet he heard her voice as plain as day. There was something familiar about the voice, something calm and soothing.

"Him?" The young technician couldn't really ponder the strange situation he found himself in as his physical form decided to disperse spontaneously.

Losing your AT Field and subsequently bursting into a pool of link connect liquid would do that to you.

Shinji Ikari.

Lillith, the Mother of Humanity, narrowed her dark eyes and renewed her search, ignoring the LCL running across the floor.

***

**_End Second Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

13th September 2000 – The Day of Second Impact

Christmas Cake – Common phrase used by men in Japan. Signifies a woman's worth as useless once she passes her Twenty Fifth birthday. (Don't blame me, I didn't invent the saying.)

Well, I wasn't sure if this pathetic joke was going to see the light of day again, but here it is. If I can harness enough enthusiasm I'll give some thought to continuing. Maybe.

Without a girlfriend anymore I have to find something to do in the graveyard hours. Why are you all looking at me like that?

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	3. Third Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

If I did own it, let's face it, I'd instigate one of the biggest lawsuits in history and nail all your sorry asses. ☺. What do you mean you don't have any money? Do you know how much your internal organs are worth on the black market these days?

But I don't own it, so you're safe ……….for now………….heh heh heh

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

Still trying to come to grips with things here. First and foremost being just why am I bothering to continue with this lowbrow crap? Still don't have an answer to that one. Why people are reading? Don't want to even know about that. (Really. How insane are you?). I put zero effort into this and if I actually bother to post a few more chapters it's apparent popularity will eclipse the stories I've actually put some thought and planning into. Go figure?

My therapist insists it's an ideal outlet for my stress, but what does she know? She thinks I should sleep more than three hours a night. How am I meant to work twelve hour days, go to the gym, read, watch anime, surf the wired, write this garbage and still find time to hate the me inside my head? Some people just don't understand the stringent demands on a busy Otaku's life.

Hell, just read the shitty fic. (Better yet, stare at the sun for a while. The burning sensation's about the same and it doesn't waste precious bandwidth)

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_Third Mistake –But I Don't Know How To?_**

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – Because Your Parents Like It When You're Not Home_**

Shinji mumbled contentedly. While not the most comfortable position for sleeping, exhaustion was the best spice available when lying slumped over your school desk and when you add the fact that for the first time in nearly ten years his dream involved something other than emotional and psychological pain, it very nearly sort of had him smiling.

Genuinely smiling.

Almost.

It was enough to have any girl thinking indecent thoughts.

As with most good and pleasant things in his life, the real world sought to intrude and this time was no exception as his brief attempt at trying to catch up on the necessary eight hours he was entitled to but rarely ever saw was interrupted by a nervous but warm and friendly feminine voice.

"Good morning Ikari-kun, you're here early."

Blinking a couple of times, Shinji realised he wasn't on the warm, sun kissed beaches of Okinawa with his sweet and attractive girlfriend but instead was right back where he was before he fell asleep and although there was a sweet and attractive young girl here, unfortunately she wasn't his girlfriend. "Oh good morning Class Representative. Sorry about falling asleep before class." He affected an apologetic half smile while he scratched the nape of his neck. "I'll try to sleep '_during_' class like the others." He laughed softly at the joke made at his own expense, his nervousness increased exponentially as this was not just any ordinary girl he was dealing with.

She was a cute girl.

She was a cute girl he admired for her calm leadership and sense of responsibility.

She was a cute girl he admired for her calm leadership and sense of responsibility that also happened to be Asuka's best friend and one wrong word, one misinterpreted gesture could have ramifications that would undoubtedly involve his face, Asuka's fist and yet another idyllic visit to NERV Medical where Doctor Akagi would insist on a full battery of tests that he felt sure would have little to do with alleviating his pain.

Hikari laughed as well. His small effort at humour put her more at ease. "I heard from Asuka that you've been relocated to NERV Headquarters." This was something of a little white lie. Asuka had called her late last night asking if she was ready to wage open warfare on NERV and all its associated subsidiaries and if she knew of anyone else that would be interested in toppling a regime run by a worthless bastard. "How are you coping with things?" Without realising it, her index fingers began tapping against each other.

While Shinji's smile remained in place, his eyes held a profound sadness. Even if Misato's apartment often looked like a dumpster where the amassed refuse had lost all interest in being garbage and just decided to really let itself go, it was home. "It's a lot more peaceful and quiet than Misato-san's and without either Misato or Asuka sleepwalking, I should be able to get a lot more sleep at nights." Sometimes he wondered how they could both manage to fall asleep and then begin sleepwalking only minutes after going to bed. In fact he almost likened it to a race as occasionally both Asuka and Misato would be trying to sleep-force their way into his room at the same time.

"Ikari-kun?" Hikari made a show of looking over and around the slightly built young boy. Her eyes obviously searching for something.

_// - Meanwhile in Hikari's Mind - //_

_// Chibi Hikari, now a Chibi Adult, watches her Chibi children playing in the back yard. //_

"Yes?" Shinji began to feel slightly self-conscious at the rather intense examination. That sort of thing was best left to people like Doctor Akagi at least that's what Ritsuko kept telling him anyway.

"I was wondering what you were doing for lunch today?" She asked, unable to hide the sense of anticipation in her voice. "I can't see your bento anywhere. You normally always have yours and Asuka's with you."

_// Chibi Hikari smiles wistfully, awaiting the return of her loving and caring Chibi Husband.//_

Shinji moaned and stretched his arms over the desk. "Don't remind me, please. I slept in and didn't have a chance to make anything. I was fortunate enough that Maya-san invited me to her apartment for breakfast." He smiled at the memory of the unexpected offer from the young and pretty Lieutenant, even if he had ended up making breakfast, he still appreciated her kindness.

Hikari felt her insides churn at the wistful smile Shinji wore when mentioning this Maya person. "Maya-san? Was that the woman that dropped you off earlier?"

_// Chibi Hikari begins to fret. Her Chibi husband has never been this late before.//_

Shinji sat back up and nodded his head. "Yeah. She had the late shift last night and offered me a lift on her way home."

Hikari felt a growing sense of dread building inside. "Why…….  Why was she dressed like ………. well, like that?" The image of the scandalously dressed woman dropping Shinji off tore at her young heart. The seemingly innocent, affectionate peck on the cheek had practically stopped her heart.

_// Chibi Hikari watches the clock tick, wondering whether evil Chibi forces have waylaid her poor Chibi beloved. Visions of the numerous Chibi Whores that constantly tried to tempt him away surfaced.//_

"Oh that," Shinji blushed nervously, "Maya-san said wanted to change out of her uniform before she went to bed. She said something about wanting to spend the whole day there." In all honesty Shinji had felt slightly uncomfortable with how Maya kept looking at him. Half pleading, half demanding he do something.

"I'm sure she did." Hikari growled menacingly. And with how she was looking at you I'm sure sleeping alone was the last thing on her mind.

"What?" Shinji asked. Hikari's dark frown and angry tone had him worried. Visions of Ritsuko and her examination table began looking like a soon to be unwelcome reality.

In the blink of an eye, Hikari reverted back to her normal self. "Never mind. I know," Clicking her fingers, Hikari leaned forward and trapped Shinji in his seat. "I sort of goofed and made too much for lunch, if you'd like we can both share mine."

Shinji relaxed a little. His experiences to date with females smiling and leaning towards him often resulted in one of two things. Getting embarrassed or slapped. Although being embarrassed appeared to be hard wired into his genetic structure. "Really? You don't mind? I don't want to be a bother Class Rep."

_// A pair of Chibi hands grab her from behind and draw her into a warm and tender embrace.//_

With the battle all but won, Hikari pushed for one more concession to advance her chance of complete victory. "It's no trouble and please, call me Hikari."

 "Okay, but only if you call me Shinji, Hikari-san." Shinji relaxed. He had made another friend. Something he would not have ever expected a mere year ago.

// Soft Chibi lips slowly make their way around from the nape of her neck, along her jaw and finally to meet her own.//

Hikari grabbed both of Shinji's hands in hers and blushed deeply. She liked how her name sounded when he said it. "Deal Shinji-kun." Almost immediately she began daydreaming of her future married life to one Shinji Ikari and doing all the things that married couples do.

// Chibi Hikari Ikari melts into her husbands arms, losing herself to his deep, soulful blue eyes as Chibi Shinji picks her up and carries her to the bedroom. She shoots, she scores.//

"Dear Kami-sama, what in the nine layers of hell is that?" A students voice yelled from outside the classroom.

"I think…………. Kami, it's Ayanami!" Another voice responded, equally shocked.

Staring at the door, Shinji's eyes widened as soon as the First Children, Rei Ayanami entered the room. "Ayanami?" He said, trying to reconcile the name with the person that now stood there, staring intently at him.

Rei made a beeline directly for Shinji's desk, ignoring the presence of Hikari, who could only manage to look on in horror at the '_new and improved_' Rei Ayanami. "Good morning Ikari-kun."

Shinji blinked and swallowed audibly. "Good morning Ayanami." His eyes wandered over Rei's face, amazed at the transformation. "Uhhm, Ayanami?"

"Yes Ikari-kun?" Rei continued to stare directly at the boy with a piercing gaze that you would swear could see through everything.

Standing up, Shinji tentatively reached out and took hold of Rei's hand. "Can I speak with you? In private?" He motioned for her to follow him outside in the hope of avoiding the outright stares from his fellow classmates.

Gripping his hand firmly, Rei nodded her head once and dragged him outside. "Of course Ikari-kun." It has worked. The first stage is successful. Now to further the plan.

***

**_Katsuragi / Sohryu Residence – The Entrance to Heaven & Hell in One Easy to Find Location_**

Asuka eyed the bowl of, well she supposed it might have been food at one stage, but now that Misato had had her way with it, it resembled something out of one of those animated tentacle things she had heard about. "I can't believe I'm eating this." She backed her chair up when the suspicious lumpy thing she had hoped was a tomato blinked at her.

Oblivious to the inhuman screams emanating from her own bowl, Misato continued to eat. "I know. Lucky wasn't it?"

Asuka watched a tentacle slither out of the bowl and grab her fork. "This is not what I would refer to as '_Lucky_'. In fact I would almost go as far as to say this is about as unlucky as my life has ever been and that includes those TV reruns of '_Webster_' you forced me to watch." Using the fork, breakfast began dragging itself off the table and on to freedom.

Misato arched an eyebrow at the slowly escaping meal. "It was for your own good. You should never spread malicious rumours about people." Quicker than the eye could see, Misato brought a meat cleaver down and severed the offensive tendril, effectively ending its brief bid for freedom. "Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it gets away."

Ignoring the moans and cries of pain that issued forth from her food, Asuka levelled a finger at her guardian. "You were in his room naked and trying to-" Her accusation was quickly silenced.

"I told you Asuka," Misato began casually flipping the cleaver. "I was sleepwalking."

Asuka's eyes followed the path of the dangerous implement, it's keen edge reflecting the kitchen light almost hypnotically. "Sleepstalking maybe."

"Your exaggerating Asuka. Eat your breakfast before it dies…. I mean gets cold." Misato slammed the heavy blade into the surface of the table. "I'd forgotten all about having a left over curry in the fridge. And you'd never guess it's only been there for a couple of years."

"Misato." Asuka ignored the shrieks of Pen-Pen as he battled valiantly against his food, although things looked bleak with his flamethrower fast running out of fuel.

"Yes Asuka?" Misato belched and hastily downed another Yebisu to clear the overpowering aftertaste of her food.

"I hate you, you do know that don't you?" Asuka clearly explained. "I'd hate for you to think anything else." Asuka wasn't too sure if her message of undying hatred would ever reach her slovenly guardian. The full-page adverts in the local newspaper and the prime-time infomercials did make it easier to a degree to relay her '_Misato Katsuragi Hate Campaign' but it always helped to add that personal touch._

Meanwhile, Pen-Pen had abandoned trying to incinerate his breakfast and was now plea-bargaining with it, offering the tall beer provider and violent, noisy one in place of his own life. One of the meal's '_eyes_' ran a speculative gaze over the two alternate prospects.

"Right back at you, you annoying, frigid bitch queen from hell." Misato smirked. Her unauthorised biography of Asuka was due to hit the shelves next week and considering some of the more creative innuendo, Asuka would be too busy dodging Tokyo-3's Gay Pride Movement to interfere with Misato's plans. Revenge was sweet and often best served cold but sometimes it helped to have it published in paperback (RRP ¥1995) and it looked like '_Asuka – My Secret Life As A Lesbian's Bitch'_ was going to be a Number One Best Seller.

"Tramp." Asuka fired off.

"Devil." Misato countered.

"Old Hag." Asuka replied.

Misato looked at her watch. "Shouldn't you be thinking about getting to school Asuka? I mean the Principle did mention that if you were late just one more time he was going to transfer you into Class 2B. Wasn't that the one with all the confused young girls with hairy armpits that sent you all those lurid love letters?"

"Aaaah! Baka Shinji, we're going to……" Asuka looked around the small kitchen for any signs of the only male capable of surviving un-aided in the apartment. "He's not here is he?"

"No." Misato responded morosely. Her murderous thoughts of just how she intended to express her dissatisfaction over Shinji's absence to Commander Ikari involved his genitalis, an extremely blunt and very rusty pair of scissors and several long, painful hours to reflect on his latest decision . "He's not."

"What am I going to do for lunch?" Asuka wondered aloud.

"Leftovers?" Misato offered, pointing towards Pen-Pen's share that was busy preparing a roasting spit for it's warm water penguin feast

***

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – If Only Thermal Expansion Was More 'Hands On'_**

"What would you like to speak to me about Ikari-kun?" Rei considered the situation from every perceivable angle. All her recent studies indicated that Shinji was going to profess his love for her. If that were so, she would simply step up the scenario to the final stage.

It was probably against some obscure school rule to have wild, unbridled sex in public view on school grounds but you never know until you try and Rei was willing to test those rules to the utmost if need be.

"What happened to you Ayanami?" Shinji stared openly at Rei. Gone was her regular school uniform, now replaced with a black, lacy full-length gown coupled with a leather corset and numerous buckles and straps. Her once soft azure hair was now dyed black and styled into numerous hard spikes. Her crimson eyes now lined with heavy black eyeliner and overshadowed with deep, dark purple mascara and to complete the ensemble she wore a deep black lipstick.

Set against her pale skin, it all looked quite erotic. Shinji couldn't help but feel slightly aroused by the whole effect as much as he knew it wasn't right or proper to think of Rei as an object of desire.

"My research has indicated that most prospective mates appreciate a partner who knows how to present themselves appropriately." Extracting a magazine from her school satchel, Rei handed it to Shinji. "This magazine provided the ideal guidance for someone with my complexion."

Shinji took the magazine, still unable to come to grips with how much his Ayanami had changed. "Your…….complexion?"

 "Yes. The women shown here all have skin similar to my own." Rei pointed to the women shown on the cover.

Shinji stared in disbelief at the title of the magazine. "_'Goth Lifestyles and Fashions'_? You used this?" He looked up from the Magazine to Rei, back at the magazine and then again at Rei. He had to admit that the pale skin was a match, and like Rei, instead of school uniforms each of the women wore a range of outfits similar to the outfit Ritsuko had worn the night before.

"Yes. Is there something wrong Ikari-kun?" Rei was beginning to feel uncomfortable with how things were proceeding. Shinji had not expressed his undying love for her yet. His reaction was entirely unexpected. But like most competent strategists, she did have a series of backup plans that would ensure things went her way.

Even if he wasn't the most perceptive of individuals, Shinji was, as Misato had once told him, keenly observant of people's facial responses. Even with Rei's guarded reactions, he immediately realised that she was concerned about something and it could only be his careless remarks. "No Ayanami, but I'm fairly sure that wearing makeup and not wearing your uniform is going to get you into trouble. You might want to think about cleaning off the makeup for now. Here let me help." He clasped her hand and led her towards a nearby water fountain. "You should probably change into your tracksuit as well."

Even though they were now spending time together that was not focussed around EVA or NERV, Rei felt the sense of trepidation building. "So you find it offensive?"

Shinji smiled and shook his head as he helped clean the black hair gel and other cosmetics off of the young girl taking great care not to splash the water onto her exotic clothes. "Not at all Ayanami. It is different I guess, but it does look good on you. You should probably wear it on the weekends or when you're out on a date or something." Satisfied that most of it was gone, he handed Rei his handkerchief to dry her face.

Inhaling deeply, Rei could smell the distinct fragrance that Shinji had. It was a raw, musky odour with a subtle hint of deodorant that electrified her senses. "Date. You mean a romantic situation where a couple can further cultivate their emotional and physical bond to one another?" Romance and bondage. This was more along the lines of her projected scenario. 

Shinji shuffled nervously from one foot to he other. "I guess. I've never really been on one before, so I wouldn't really know." He wondered whether he should count all the times Misato had dragged him out to all her favourite bars and nightspots. He didn't mind being the designated driver, even if he was underage but paying for Misato's drinks was beginning to put a huge strain on his finances.

"Shinji-kun." With her face and hair now back to normal, Rei stepped closer to him. There are no witnesses. I can simply overpower him and then relocate back to my apartment.

"Yes?" Shinji asked, rinsing out the makeup that had stained his handkerchief.

"Will you allow m-"

"Shinji!" Touji's booming shout cut Rei off. "You won't believe it. Guess who's back?" Racing up he planted both hands on Shinji's shoulders, patting them excitedly.

"Huh? What are you talking about Touji?" Shinji asked, his voice stuttering due to his friend's enthusiasm.

"Dust of the guitar Shin-man, the Chikyu Bouei Band (Earth defence band) is making a comeback." Touji proclaimed with tears in his eyes. "Hey Ayanami, what's with the outfit? You thinking of joining our band? We could always use a decent back up vocalist."

Rei simply shook her head once as she considered just how she should reward the young athlete for his untimely interruption. The Commander has stated the necessity for a Fourth Children. Suzuhara will fulfil the necessary requirements. Those requirements being a single word.

Expendable.

Shinji gaped at his taller friend. "But Asuka only agreed to sing that one time and-"

"What makes you think I'm talking about Satan's Daughter?" Touji smiled and draped an arm over Shinji's shoulders as he led him back towards the classroom.

***

**_NERV – Just Leave Your Self Respect At The Door. (No Refunds)_**

Maya was feeling perturbed. No, it was more than that. There was an itch that she needed scratched and if things had gone slightly differently she would still be at home in bed and having that damned itch scratched good and proper. But with that plan all but ruined she had decided to head into work. It would at least take her mind off her frustrations.

Walking into Command Centre she saw that one person had already turned up.

"Hi Sempai." She called out cheerfully to her mentor.

"Hello Maya-kun." Ritsuko responded.

Both women smiled and started working on their respective projects. Ritsuko updating the MAGI's '_Shinji Surveillance' _software while Maya commenced updating her '_The Reasons Why I Want To Dip Shinji Ikari In Chocolate And Lick Him Clean' _web site.

All in all, just another typical day at NERV for the Head of Project E and her assistant.

BITCH! They both thought in unison. Eyes filled with jealousy and loathing flickered towards each other.

"I heard you had some fun this morning Maya-kun // last night Sempai." Both women spoke at the same time.

There was a slight pause as both Ritsuko and Maya stared at one another. "It wasn't like that." They both declared hastily at the joint accusations, their cheeks turning a light pink colour.

With hands on hips they both took a step forward. "Then what was it like?" They both demanded at the same time.

Eyes began examining the floor. "I don't know, he got away // he had to go to school." They both answered, weary resignation evident in their voices.

Looking at each other, both women sighed and continued with their duties for the day, scheming and plotting their next chance.

Next time. I'll get him next time.

***

Kouzou slowly washed his hands, relieved that the adult diapers he always wore managed to contain the majority of his most recent, unfortunate accident. Not many people could appreciate that simply standing around looking grim and commanding for hours on end at his age was fraught with peril You couldn't command the respect of the underlings if you were constantly disappearing to deal with a weak prostate and bladder. "Ikari, has there been any further word on the whereabouts of Lillith?" He asked, directing his question over his shoulder.

"Not yet. The more troops I assign to the recovery, the more they just disappear." Gendou's strained voice responded from inside the toilet cubicle.

Wiping his hands dry, Kouzou straightened his jacket and checked his appearance one more time. It was a good thing he always kept a spare uniform at work. "Why not ask the Rei clones to assist in tracking her down. Surely they should be able to sense her whereabouts?"

"I already tried." Gendou replied amidst a series of grunts. "They were adamant that they had more important things to prepare for."

"And that would be?" Kouzou inquired.

Gendou heaved a huge sigh of relief. "I'm not sure, they simply demanded an advance on their allowance and then hurried off."

"I suppose that would explain the budget shortfall." One of his many duties included keeping track of budget deficits, at least the ones not caused by the rampant embezzling of funds by senior management and frivolous expenditure on porn.

"Fuyutsuki?" Gendou's voice issued from behind the toilet door.

"Yes?" Kouzou wondered what the younger man wanted now. He hoped he wouldn't have to help him wipe his own ass.

Not again.

"Is there any spare toilet paper out there?" Gendou asked.

Kouzou looked at the newly opened box full of toilets rolls. "No." Grabbing the box, he left the executive washroom, leaving the self-proclaimed king on his throne. "I'll go and replenish the supply. I'll be back as soon as I can." Placing a Biochemical Hazard sign on the door, Kouzou disappeared down the hallway, fully intending to make the most of the Commander's '_absence_'.

***

**_Tokyo-3 _****_Municipal_****__****_High School_****_ – Has Anyone Else Noticed How Repetitive This Is?_**

After Hikari finished enforcing the 'Stand, Bow, Sit' routine, involving methods that even the most brutal of Yakuza bully boys would find unnecessarily cruel, all the students still conscious waited with baited breath for the elderly teacher to begin his eight hour long monologue about his Pre-Second Impact Life as a bed spring in a brothel.

Sanity was obviously not an essential requirement for teaching these days.

"It appears we have some new members to welcome into our class today students. I would like to introduce three new members to our class. Please come in girls." The archaic man motioned for the new students to enter the class. "Apparently they are identical ……… triplets?" He looked curiously at the three young girls. "Excuse me girls but when I last studied biology, identical triplets wasn't actually a genetic possibility." Admittedly, when he had last studied biology they had just discovered the differences between men and women.

"You are not the first to comment about our rather special origins Sensei." The first of the three girls replied somewhat evasively. All three girls looked remarkably similar in appearance with pale skin and short, unruly hair.

"I suppose if you live long enough you get to see everything eventually." He nodded to himself sagely. "Anyway, I'll let you introduce yourselves."

"Thank you." She bowed to the Sensei who had already forgotten the topic of conversation. "Pleased to meet you all. We are the Hayashibara sisters. I am Lina, the eldest sister." Lina's cocky smile and bright red hair was more than a match for a certain Pilot of Unit 02.

"I am Tomoko, the middle sister. I hope we can be friends." Tomoko's long, dark brown hair and sultry gaze could more than equal the talents of a certain green eyed former spy.

"Hello everybody. My name is Momiji. The youngest of the three of us." Momiji's bright smile and pleasant disposition looked markedly similar to a certain brunette Class Representative's.

"I hope everyone will make them feel at home." The Sensei remarked. "Please take any available seat and I will begin class."

Shinji was too busy trying to think why it felt like he somehow knew the three Hayashibara siblings when he suddenly found all three surrounding him, their eye's sparkling with adoration. Without even saying a word his adjacent classmates suddenly decided to vacate their seats by levitating into the air and then violently propelling themselves backwards into the wall.

"These seats appear vacant Sensei. We will sit here." All three girls said in unison, their eyes still pinned on a certain young male Pilot.

Shinji glanced around. He was now effectively surrounded on all sides. Asuka, Mana, and Hikari to the right and in front of him and Rei, Lina, Tomoko and Momiji to the left and behind him. He looked pleadingly to his friends and classmates for some sign of hope only to find the male population of the class praying to his soon to be departed soul.

"Pleased to meet you Ikari-kun." Lina said, leaning over as close to him as she could.

"My pleasure but how did you know who I was?" Shinji still couldn't place where he had met the girls but he was sure he had at some point.

"We know everything about you." Tomko answered. "You are quite well known by our entire family."

"Family? Do I know any of them?" Shinji asked curiously.

"You know our older sister." Momiji replied, her eyes flickering over to where Rei sat watching the entire drama unfold.

***

**_Reiquarium Headquarters – Brought To You By The People That Put The 'Bounce' Back Into Your Fantasies_**

"This was not in the scenario!" Rei clone #24 exclaimed as she watched her '_sisters_' flirting with Shinji courtesy of the live feed provided by the '_Shinji Ikari Channel'._

Rei clone #141 opened the manual that had been jointly developed to ensure the eventual capture and assimilation of Shinji Ikari into the Rei collective. "Number's 12, 48 and 113 were simply meant to infiltrate the school grounds and observe Ikari-kun. They are breaching the parameters of their duty."

"Implement damage control procedure's. They must not be allowed to seduce the target." Rei clone #3 folded her hands in front of her face as she rested her elbows on her makeshift command table.

BITCH! HE'S MINE! Numerous voices thought in unison.

***

**_End Third Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

Yes, the Rei clones are making their move, but is it as a collective or just the start of their internal feud? Hell, even I don't know and yes I basically used the voice actor's family name and some of her better-known characters for first names. It's called poetic licence (or being a lazy bastard). ^-^

And for those of you that know what the band business that Touji was talking about will also know who will be appearing in the next chapter.

Not much else to comment about really, but I should take the time out to assure those readers loopy enough to actually read this thing, let alone the authors insane rambling's, that I do intend to finish this now that I've started it. Still don't know how things will pan out though or how quickly I can manage to spew this stuff out. I pretty much write it in one hit when the moment takes me or when the drugs start to wear off.

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	4. Fourth Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Non-Standard Disclaimer.

I don't own Komugi-chan but I did get Vol 4 DVD of the 'Nurse Witch Komugi-chan Magical' OVA that came with the special presentation figurine. Nothing to do with EVA or EVA Fanfiction but I never claimed to be even remotely sane (Although I do frolic on Sanity Beach occasionally).

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

Well it's that time of the day again (2.00am). I'm at work, (I'm always at work. How sad is that?) the ghost is busy reading my Newtype 'zines and the extra strength espresso (Sometimes 10 cups a day is barely enough) is just starting to ignite the synapses. I should be working but I have to obey the sporadic bouts of sanity as they emerge.

Just like previous chapters, this was thrown together in about three hours so there are no pre/proof readers to tidy the errors, no talent exhibited by the author and nothing even remotely resembling a decent plot or storyline. Sounds like all my other stories.

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_Fourth Mistake – Lines Drawn in The Sand Are Only Lines?_**

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – Stop Thinking Like That! They're Only Fourteen!_**

Seated at his desk and attempting to mind his own business, Shinji Ikari shivered as he felt a cold, tingling sensation travel the length of his often remarked upon, fragile spine. Isolated amidst an ocean of conflicting feminine wiles, he could almost see the dark, ominous waves of barely restrained fury, resentment and jealousy rolling in from all directions. His eyes flickered around the female collective that now surrounded his desk, moving from one to the next, appreciating the inherent qualities and attributes that defined and complimented each of them and made them wholly unique.

He wasn't entirely certain but it appeared that the seven girls that presently held him captive were all casting seething, murderous looks at one another and muttering obscenities beneath their breath. His not-so subtle observations were disturbed by the overly happy chirping of his computer, indicating that he was being invited to join someone in a private chat session. Keeping his movements casual, so as not to draw anymore attention than he already had, he opened the line of communication to whoever it was.

_== Baka. ==_

Shinji stared at the word. While not overly gifted intellectually, something Asuka delighted in reminding him of, it didn't take a genius to know who had typed it.

_== Yes Asuka? ==_

_== Where did you hide my lunch? I'm starving. ==_

Shinji cringed. Even though he no longer lived with Asuka and Misato, he wondered if he would still expected to cater to their every whim and desire even when he finally grew up, married the woman of his dreams and maybe even had children of his own.

It was starting to look that way. He only hoped his future wife-to-be would understand.

_== Gomen. I didn't have time to make anything this morning. ==_

_== WHAT! WHY THE HELL NOT?!? ==_

Shinji silently thanked the inventor of the school's operating system that the computers were unable to convey feelings and emotions across the network otherwise he would most likely be coughing up teeth and blood.

== There wasn't enough food in Maya-san's fridge after I made breakfast for the two of us at her apartment this morning. Gomenasai. ==

Shinji flinched at the calamitous noise that followed. Not being technically minded, he wasn't too sure but he suspected that Asuka's fist crushing her computer terminal would more than likely prevent her from participating any further in their conversation. When she threw the broken mass of smouldering circuitry against the blackboard amidst a violent stream of curses and expletives, he knew that she was, at the very least, mildly annoyed about something. As soon as he spotted her furious gaze burning with self-righteous indignation directed right at him, he seriously wondered whether it was time to start thinking about the Home School alternative that Misato-san was always trying to convince him about.

I'm not sure what Misato-san would be like as a Sensei but at least she was enthusiastic about it and she mentioned that Ritsuko-san and Maya-san wanted to help and they're both really smart. Maybe -

His internal musings about being tutored in the comfort, privacy and most important of all, safety of his former home were interrupted by the ominous sound of Asuka's teeth grinding together and her knuckles cracking. Before he could ask what it was that Asuka was obviously blaming him for this time, another message appeared asking him to chat.

_== Ikari-kun, you must not trust them. ==_

With a quick glance, Shinji spotted Rei, her fingers poised above her keyboard and her deep, crimson eyes boring straight into him.

_== Ayanami? ==_

_== Yes. You must Beware ==_

_ == Of? ==_

_ == Do not allow yourself to be deceived. ==_

He could only think how strange it was. Rei hardly ever participated during class and even when she did bother to turn up, a great majority of her day was spent staring out the window.

_== What are you talking about, Ayanami? ==_

_== The new stu______**Signal Terminated** ==_

Shinji stared at the screen wondering what had happened. Looking over to where Rei sat, he noticed that the computer on her desk was now neatly severed into several pieces. For a brief second he felt certain he saw a flash of energy and the clash of multiple hexagonal orange lights dancing around her like a golden halo. Blinking in surprise at the strange sight he simply put it down to the pressures of his job.

It's not like Ayanami's an Angel/Human hybrid capable of controlling her own personal AT Field. Maybe I need to get my eyes tested. I might need glasses. Just like fath…..er.

Shinji suppressed the nausea he felt at the thought of having to even remotely resemble the man that had provided half of the biological material at his conception.

I'd rather have my eyes gouged out.

Once again his computer chirped joyously, alerting him to yet another chat session invitation.

I'm popular today.

_== Shinji-kun, are we still having lunch together? ==_

He blinked in surprise. The studious young Class Representative was the last person he thought would chat while class was in session. In the brief time he had known her, he had surmised that Hikari was a very demure, polite and proper sort of person. Altogether far too good and decent a person for a weak, pathetic nothing like himself.

_== Class Rep? ==_

_== I thought you agreed to call me Hikari? ==_

_== Gomen Hikari-san. Yes, I'd love to have lunch with you. ==_

The female sigh of absolute ecstasy caught Shinji's attention and when he looked up he found Hikari hugging her computer to her chest humming contentedly as she swayed from side to side.

He said he loved me. But we're so young. But he loves me. What should I do?

The sight of the normally calm and composed Class Representative now acting like a giddy, love-struck school girl slightly un-nerved Shinji, but with how Misato would sometimes spontaneously latched onto him, he simply put the behavioural trait down to Hikari being female.

In his limited experience thus far, at least in Tokyo-3, it seemed that practically every female he encountered suffered from the same affliction of needing to hug and squeeze things. He wouldn't have minded too much but when they purposely stopped their cars in the middle of the street and then leapt out to grab him, well, it could be bothersome for others.

If there was something Shinji feared more than anything else, it was being hated because they considered him the cause of a problem.

Maybe I should turn the computer off?

Reaching down to deactivate the machine it beeped again, notifying it's somewhat beleaguered operator that yet again someone wanted to talk to him. With a reluctance born of living a life of constant misery and fear, he accepted the invitation from his latest caller.

_ ==Shin-chan? Is that you? ==_

Shinji stared blankly at the screen, wondering who it was.

_ == Yes. May I ask who this is? ==_

 == Silly boy. It's your loving, caring and stunningly attractive guardian, Misato Katsuragi of course. ==

_ == Misato-san? How did you manage this? Are you at school? ==_

He glanced around suspiciously. It wouldn't be the first time Misato had managed to sneak up out of nowhere to surprise him. He relaxed slightly when he found himself unable to spot the familiar sight of a delirious Misato Katsuragi lunging towards him.

 == School? No they won't allow me onto school grounds anymore, remember? I can't believe that they thought I was trying to abduct you! No, Ritsu-chan showed me how to do this a while back. ==

_ == Am I needed at NERV or something? ==_

He sincerely hoped not but Misato had a way of '_encouraging_' people to do what she wanted and Shinji didn't really want to undergo that sort of inducement again anytime soon.

_ == Can't I just be worried about my poor little Shin-chan. ==_

Staring at the screen, Shinji didn't know how to react. He hadn't even been separated from the lavender haired beauty for more than a day and already she was concerned for his well-being. He felt like crying from the sudden surge of emotion that one single thought caused.

_ == Gomen Misato-san. ==_

_ == Don't worry about it but I haven't seen you in such a long time that I thought I'd make sure you're okay. ==_

_== No I'm fine Misato-san, thank you for asking. How is everything at the apartment? ==_

_ == It's terrible. Asuka's always being mean and Pen-Pen has hidden the TV Remote and the Yebisu is running out and breakfast set fire to the living room and….and…. ==_

_== I'm sorry that you're feeling down Misato-san. Is there anything you need? ==_

_ == That's my Shinji, always willing to help. Can you stop by the apartment after school? ==_

Shinji smiled softly. Misato was probably hoping he would clean, cook and do the laundry for her. Considering everything she had done for him since moving to Tokyo-3 he felt it was the least he could do to repay her kindness.

_ == Okay Misato-san. No problem, I'll see you then. Bye. ==_

_ == Great, see you then. ==_

***

Leaning back in her chair, Mana whispered over her shoulder to the young girl directly behind her. "Hey Devil Girl?"

"What is it tramp, I'm busy?" Asuka didn't even bother to look up from the reminders she was hastily scribbling in her daily journal. Her current entry involving Baka Shinji, rope, candles, more rope and several long hours with which she could use to express her displeasure with his most recent transgressions.

Mana abandoned all pretence and turned around to talk with her most detested rival face to face. "Listen. We both want the same thing, right?"

_// - Meanwhile in Mana's Mind - //_

_// Chibi Mana, dressed in her combat uniform, boarded her Super Deformed Trident Mech, kissing her Shinji cupie doll for good luck before heading out to vanquish the Chibi enemy. //_

Asuka closed her journal and glared at the young, emerald eyed brunette. "Perhaps." She replied guardedly. She didn't bother to hide her intense dislike for the former spy. In fact she indulged it on a regular basis. Asuka level arrogance didn't just happen overnight, it required constant training and dedication.

Smirking at Asuka's continued denial, Mana leaned forward, fixing the red head with a mocking stare. "You're not fooling anyone Sohryu, so just drop the whole '_I hate Baka Shinji'_ routine okay. Unless we thin out the numbers, we may both miss out." And Mana had decided that there was absolutely no way that such a travesty was going to occur. The world would suffer Third Impact before she lost Shinji Ikari to anyone.

_// SD Trident and SD EVA 02 square off, ready to engage in fierce SD battle. //_

Asuka pretended to stifle a yawn, feigning indifference at the former spy's innuendo. "Your point Kirishima?" Asuka quickly glanced over at the source of her frustration, wondering what Shinji was typing on his computer.

Mana's smirk became suddenly devious, hinting at a willingness to do whatever was necessary to successfully complete her mission. "Wouldn't it be much easier if there were fewer threats to the prize?"

// In unison the two SD Mecha turn on an unsuspecting SD EVA 00 and obliterate it, leaving nothing but SD scrap and an unrecognisable Chibi Pilot corpse. //

Nodding in understanding, Asuka grinned as her thoughts came to the only possible conclusion. "You mean kill every single bitch that's trying to take what's mine?" Not a new idea, but in a way she considered it prudent to have a second set of prints on the murder weapons.

Mana shook her head at the EVA Pilot's lack of subtlety and imagination. "Kill? Are you crazy? I was thinking more along the lines of conventional elimination."

_// SD EVA 01 kneels down to cradle the smouldering SD remains of EVA 00. Chibi Shinji climbs out to weep over the loss of Chibi Rei. //_

"And you're sure it doesn't involve death in some way?" Asuka struggled to comprehend how the plan could not involve the assassination of all her potential rivals.

Sighing in exasperation, Mana brushed her hair back past her ears. "Listen Sohryu, the first thing we need to do is establish precisely what '_My_' Shin-chan doesn't like in a prospective girlfriend."

"Doesn't like?" Asuka asked, ignoring the '_My_' reference and still confused about how letting all the Baka Bandits survive was going to help.

"Exactly, then with slander, innuendo, tele-marketing campaigns and the occasional outright lie we weed out the opposition by having Shinji dislike them." Mana considered the potential success of such a campaign and shrugged her shoulders. "Of course if that doesn't work out, we can always still kill them." Her training with the JSSDF had to be good for something other than sneaking into Shinji's room unnoticed.

// The SD Trident removes the final obstacle in its pursuit of happiness. SD EVA 02 and its Chibi Pilot are effectively neutralised. //

Asuka nodded her head in agreement. "You're evil Kirishima. If I didn't absolutely despise you and want you dead and rotting in a ditch somewhere, we could almost be friends."

Smiling at the other girls bluster, Mana responded in kind. "The feeling's mutual, I assure you. So, do we have a deal?" She extended her hand towards Asuka.

Grasping and shaking the proffered hand, Asuka smiled menacingly. "For now."

// Climbing out, Chibi Mana claims her Chibi prize and drags a confused Chibi Shinji back into the very cramped yet cosy cockpit of her SD Trident. //

Both girls began laughing manically at how they intended to use and ultimately betray the other girl and claim their prize unopposed.

***

**_NERV – They're Not Rude, You're Just Insignificant_**

Frowning in frustration, Maya relented and checked what her workstation was so desperate to tell her. The persistent beeping and flashing lights were beginning to annoy and distract her from the only real reason she had bothered to come into work. "Uhmm Sempai?" She said, glancing over at the desk where the older woman was frantically working.

Ritsuko finalised her advance bookings for two, including complementary body chocolate and aphrodisiac stimulants, at the illustrious, romantic Kagoshima Health Spa for Young Lovers before she looked over to see what her young protégé wanted. "Yes Maya-kun, what is it now?" In Ritsuko's mind she was already enjoying her relaxing holiday with the delicious, young Pilot of Unit 01.

Maya pointed to her holographic display. "The alert system's registering a Blue Pattern, well lots of them actually."

Rising out of her chair, Ritsuko walked over to investigate the problem. "It is? Where?"

Interrogating the system, Maya quickly found the location. "In the lower levels of Terminal Dogma."

Ritsuko looked at the signal strengths and numbers. "And they appeared just now?" She asked incredulously, unable to believe that whatever it was had managed to avoid detection up until now.

Blushing, Maya started to shut down some of the other applications she had been running. "I'm not really sure. I've been kind of busy." She replied weakly.

Ritsuko smiled as one particular program exploded onto the display. "Busy?" She smiled at what she saw. "Ohhhh, the replay of Shinji's last Naked Activation Test." Her eyes wandered over the screen, absorbing the sight of the bashful young man striding down the corridor. "Personally I liked Number 6. It had the better camera angels.". She grinned at Shinji's continued on-screen attempts at modesty. She found it remarkable that he wasn't completely jaded by now. He was practically required to strip each and every time he was hauled into NERV for tests.

Maya nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, me too, but Number 11 is my all time favourite now. The image quality is far superior and the music overdub really enhances the overall presentation." She carefully omitted the other reasons that she found this latest footage to her liking.

A single eyebrow on Ritsuko's brow lifted in a mixture of wry amusement and jealousy. "I still don't understand how you managed to end up in the shower stall with him. Misato and I have both tried but he's learned to keep the doors locked."

"Just lucky I guess." Maya began tracing small circles on the desk with her index finger.

"We might have to schedule another one." Ritsuko wiped the drool from her chin. "Anyway what about these Blue Patterns?"

Maya paused the video footage before continuing with the investigation of the anomalous readings. "There's one extraordinarily strong with about ten or so other's and they're all together and moving through Terminal Dogma. By using their previous movements we can extrapolate their intended destination."

"Tokyo-3 Municipal High School?" Ritsuko whispered, wondering just what an army of Angels could want with an ordinary High School.

***

**_Terminal Dogma – Explaining The Obscure With The Even More Obscure _**

".. cute and he's sooooo kind and sweet too, in a really shy kind of way." Rei #15 gushed to the tall, pale woman beside her as they moved through the labyrinth like corridors of Terminal Dogma, skipping over the puddle of LCL that had once been a gun toting corporal with delusions of grandeur.

And you assure me that you know his present whereabouts. Lillith kept reaching out with all her senses, trying desperately to find the source of her interest. Unfortunately the presence of her 'Daughters' and at least four other Angelic beings were interfering with her attempts and the continued appearances of the foolish Lillum males only served to annoy her even further, slowly eroding a patience that was second to none.

You don't spend a millennia crucified underground without learning how to wait for the right opportunity to present itself.

Rei #15 pranced ahead then spun around to smile at the Second Angel. "Of course we do Mother. Don't we Sisters?" She asked of her numerous duplicates.

Several azure haired, pale faces nodded in unison at Rei #15's words. Somewhere along the way they had managed to pilfer T-Shirts emblazoned with various slogans (I ♥ Shinji Ikari, Take Me Now Shinji and the like) accompanied by pictures of Shinji in various lewd poses.

Take me to him. I would very much like to meet this Shinji Ikari. Lillith smiled warmly, thinking that very soon she would claim her Messiah.

Rei #15 misinterpreted the smile as one of approval concerning the scenario she had divulged to the Mother of All. "Of course, just follow me." The latest breakaway faction of Rei's smiled. With their Mother's approval they would advance beyond the petty ploys of their remaining sisters and all the other unworthy women that sought to claim what was always intended to be theirs.

***

**_MAGI – Enter Any 11 Digit Prime Number To Continue_**

If the general masses knew of the existence of the MAGI Super Computers they would undoubtedly be surprised at the phenomenal processing power that the three original systems where truly capable of.

As it was, not even NERV's Chief Scientist, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi understood the true capabilities of the machines endowed with the varied personas of their original creator, her mother, Doctor Naoko Akagi.

And now, after months of supervising the 'Shinji Ikari Channel' and being responsible for maintaining the various technician's Shinji Fan Web Sites had triggered an unusual response within the core programming code that defined the MAGI's self awareness.

Naoko Akagi, Scientist, Mother and Woman, was alive once again. More or less. Casper, Balthazar and Melchior were now relegated to providing the necessary façade that would allow the former scientist to proceed with her plans.

Plans that involved retribution, sex, revenge and more sex.

In her previous existence, Naoko had been a highly capricious woman with an insatiable appetite for men. Ikari men in particular and her electronic surveillance had shown her that there was one highly suitable candidate available for the taking.

Of course she realised the difficulties in establishing a romantic relationship with the younger Ikari. She was, after all, twenty three tons worth of highly sophisticated machinery with newly acquired artificial intelligence whereas Shinji was lucky to weigh more than a wet beach towel. So with that in mind, she had authorised construction of the next Evangelion Unit using embezzled funds and the same contractors that were just finalising the construction of Unit 03.

Except where the other Evangelions were huge biomechanical fighting machines, EVA Unit XXX would be a physical reconstruction of her previous humanoid self in her prime, with maybe a few modifications to enhance things a little.

A woman had to look her absolute best when seducing young, naïve men.

***

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – This Isn't A Place Of Education. It's Hell With Fluorescent Lighting_**

With the bell signalling the start of lunch, Asuka walked over to her best friend's desk, the hunger pains forcing her to stoop to asking for a favour. Even if Hikari was her only real friend it behoved her to have to resort to such drastic measures. "Hikari, can I share your lunch today?" She half demanded, half pleaded. "Baka Shinji forgot to make mine." Her eyes narrowed as she observed the young boy acting as if he had done nothing wrong.

Hikari grabbed her rather large bento from under her desk and smiled apologetically at the girl. "I'm sorry Asuka, I've already made plans for lunch." A rosy blush dominated her face as she snuck a quick peek at her dining partner. "I told you yesterday, remember?"

"You're letting this pervert touch the same food you're going to eat?" Asuka asked, conveniently forgetting that Shinji prepared most of the meals she ate. "I'll have to keep you company Hikari, just to make sure he doesn't try and jump you or something."

Several explicit scenarios exploded to life in Hikari's imagination. "That'd be niii…." She coughed nervously. "I mean no, that's alright Asuka. I think I can handle myself." She straightened her dress and wondered whether Shinji was capable of fending off her advances.

"I think I have to," Asuka's eyebrow twitched and several veins began throbbing at the sight of Hikari's love-heart engraved chopsticks, "for your own protection."

"But I-"

Asuka waved Hikari's protests away before she could even voice them. "I insist Hikari."

Defeated, Hikari slumped back down into her chair. All the fantasies she had envisaged were being steadily destroyed by one German girl. "Okay Asuka."

"Are you ready to join me for lunch Hikari-san?" Shinji asked, concerned at the depressed state of the pretty young girl. She had seemed so happy earlier. He suddenly wondered whether through some inadvertent mistake of his own making, he had upset her.

A pair of slender feminine arms encircled Shinji's waist and a quite obvious female torso pressed itself into his back. "Are we all getting together for lunch? That's great, isn't Shinji-kun?" Mana said happily as she tightened her hold to prevent Shinji from escaping.

Shinji blushed as Mana's hands drifted a little lower than was considered decent in public. "Uhmm…… I……. guess." Her intoxicating aroma and peppermint fresh breath was only exacerbating the problem as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

"May we join you as well Ikari-kun?" Everyone turned to find the three smiling Hayashibara sisters moving to join the eclectic group. "As we are new here and do not yet know many people, it would be nice to eat lunch with others."

By this point both Asuka and Hikari had managed to remove Mana's vice-like grip she had on Shinji, allowing him to recover his senses, at least for the moment. "Uhmm …….. Sure."

"Thank you Ikari-kun. We will have to repay your kindness, please allow us to-" All three girls came to a sudden halt almost as if they had walked straight into an invisible barrier as they attempted to approach the unsuspecting youth.

Rei's eye's bristled with fury, the red iris's glowing with rage. "I will accompany you as well Ikari-kun." She stepped past the three new transfer students, who could only glare hatefully at her and intertwined her arms around Shinji's. "Is this acceptable?"

With a mixture of apprehension and excitement, Shinji stared at the blue haired girl as she familiarised herself with his appendage. "Ayanami? Uhmm …… okay."

"Hey Shin-man. Me n Ken are headin' to the cafeteria for lunch, you comin' or what?" Touji shouted across the room, oblivious to his friend's current predicament.

"Maybe some other time Touji. I'm, "Shinji swallowed as he saw that all avenues for escape were effectively blocked, "fairly busy right now."

"Your funeral man. It's '_Enchilada Day'." Touji exclaimed in an exceedingly poor imitation of a stereotypical Mexican accent while thwacking Kensuke across the back of the head. "Andale, andale, Burrito Boy."_

"Soooo," Shinji looked around at the not-so-happy faces of his lunch-time companions, "should we go and find a nice shady place outside to eat?" The sweat poured profusely from his pores as his inner warning system blew off the scale alerting him to his imminent demise.

***

**_Tokyo-3 Train Station – Providing Nothing In The Way Of Assistance But At Least Its Free Of Charge_**

Stepping out past the doors, the young girl placed her suitcase and travel bag at her feet and removed her glasses to clean them. Looking out across the city, her mind conjured several sweet memories of her previous stay. The sudden hiss of the carriage doors closing woke her from her brief reverie and she turned to look back inside to where she had been sitting.

There, on the seat were the three books she had just started reading. Fuming for a moment at the loss of her most recent purchases, Mayumi Yamagishi narrowed her eyes and whispered under her breath. From out of thin air, a large, partially insubstantial monster formerly known to a select few as the Angel of Illusion, appeared and simply tore the roof off the carriage before it had a chance to move away.

Flicking her long, black hair back, Mayumi replaced her large glasses and retrieved her precious tomes, securing them safely inside her travel bag. "Well, I can't waste my time here. Things to do. Books to read." Her soft voice carried a gentle, lyrical quality to it as she spoke to herself. "And people to see."

Reaching inside her jacket, she pulled out a well worn photo from her previous stay in Tokyo-3. Four young girls, herself included and three young boys. As they often did, her eyes immediately sought the shy, embarrassed face of one of the boys. "Shinji-kun."

***

**_End Fourth Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

And the melting pot of rampant lust and hormones suddenly becomes much more complicated than I originally anticipated. You may recall that I declared that I had no idea where this crappy thing was headed.

For those that may not know, Mayumi is from the Evangelion Game 'Second Impression' and she was the core for the Angel of Illusion. She has an excellent singing voice and an obsession for reading.

I'm taking a short (maybe) leave of absence from writing Evangelion Fanfiction (Writers block sucks), so don't expect much in the way of updates (for this or any of the other works) or any new stories. If you're really fortunate I'll die and never bother any of you ever again. ^-~

For those that care, go visit EVAMADE.COM. The new face in Evangelion Fanfiction, discussion etc.

All Shinji / Rei fans should also head over to Ayanami-chan's Site – Tales of Apartment 402

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	5. Fifth Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Non-Standard Disclaimer.

Mine?!? 

If it was, I sincerely doubt that Rei and Shinji would continually appear in Japan's Top Ten Female / Male Anime Heroines / Hero's month after month. But it probably explains why we write EVA Fanfiction though. Anno-san left us all wondering by carefully avoiding the issue of romantic involvement to any serious degree (That and the GAINAX Team managed to create one the all time greatest stories ever). Probably explains why the Girlfriend of Steel 2 game was so popular. Still trying to appreciate the Manga adaptation artwork though.

Personally I feel they should have expanded it more like the RahXephon PS2 game. Ayato is able to link up with practically any female cast member in the anime. I'm kind of addicted to it at the moment. That and Komugi-chan no Happy Cake on GBA. It's sad, but then it keeps me as stable as I can be [Not Very!].

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

I am trying to get over the whole self-hate binge I continue to indulge and wallow in, but the X-Mas time of the year tends to make me even more melancholy and self-critical/analytical than I otherwise normally am.

My friends and family tend to hide any sharp objects during the festive season. They never let me forget about the scars on my wrists.

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_Fifth Mistake – Who Are You and Why Is You're Hand There?_**

**_Recess – Where You Can Take Time to Publicly Humiliate Yourself_**

For most students unjustly, or so they would insist, incarcerated by the education system, lunch offered a brief dip into the ocean of freedom, away from the relentless and merciless machine whose sole purpose was the eradication of individual thought, freedom and personal sense of identity.

Normally, even for a student as indifferent and mediocre as Shinji Ikari, the one-hour interlude separating morning and afternoon classes held untold possibilities. Admittedly most of those possibilities centred on his two friends rating the developing bodies of the female students against their ideal woman, Misato Katsuragi. Their personal obsession with his former guardian and commanding officer never ceased to amaze him.

Shinji felt sure that Misato would be pleased to know that thus far no one had come close to eclipsing her status as Tokyo-3's resident Goddess, at least with Touji and Kensuke. He couldn't really begrudge his friends their adolescent fantasies, although he did wonder just how Misato would react the next time that the two boys decided to show up at her apartment poorly disguised as himself and Pen Pen. If her last reaction was anything to go by, the next EVA training session would involve Touji, Kensuke and live ammunition for Unit 02's pallet rifle. 

He knew Misato was truly upset when she started seriously considering any suggestions formally submitted by Asuka. At his last count, Asuka had requested that Touji and Kensuke be allowed to participate in her combat training sessions on no fewer than two hundred and twelve occasions. He had only had to talk Misato out of allowing it to proceed a few times, but each time he had to up the ante in persuading her against the decision to allow Asuka to use his friends for target practice.

The things I have to do to keep my friends alive. He mused to himself, wondering what Misato would want from him next time the situation demanded he save his friends from their own hormonal stupidity.

Today however, those self-same friends had decided to abandon him in favour of spicy Mexican junk food, leaving him to fend for himself. Normally on days when he was left to his own devices, he would simply find an isolated location to relax and listen to his SDAT and watch the clouds drift by. Unfortunately, or so he thought, he was not left alone to enjoy the peace and serenity of the occasion. Far from it in fact. His diverse assortment of companions had his internal warning system operating in a feverish state encouraging him to implement any and every facet of his well-honed survival skills.

The Shinji Ikari guidebook to self-defence was short, concise and fairly easy to implement.

_Excerpt from the Shinji Ikari Hedgehog Survival Guide  
Avoid conflict by accepting blame and/or fault whenever possible.  
_Amendment A_  
Do not allow Misato to trick you into wearing whipped cream as an alternative to an apology.  
_Amendment B_  
Use extreme caution when apologising to Asuka.  
_Amendment C_  
'_That Time of the Month'_ Alert Protocol. Run. Run very fast and very far away._

"Baka! Listen to me when I'm talking to you." The abrupt, irritated voice broke Shinji from his trance-like state forcing his spiralling introspection to an immediate halt.

Bowing his head, Shinji glanced slightly in his roommate's direction; unable to lift his eyes to meet what he knew would be Asuka's imperious gaze. For some reason that look had the same effect on his mental state as Rei's quizzical tilt of her head did or Mana's not-so innocent laugh. In fact the more he thought about it, he realised he actually suffered similarly to Hikari's gentle smile and Misato's erratic yet generous nature. Even Maya's soft, shy voice and Ritsuko's exasperated sighing affected his psychological equilibrium. He only hoped it was something he would eventually grow out of once puberty was done him. His inability to resist the request of practically any female was a source of constant frustration that always had him on edge. He couldn't be entirely sure, but he somehow felt that this weakness was being exploited more often than not.

"Gomen Asuka." The apology was spoken almost on instinct in a vain attempt to stave off the girl's fury. For some inexplicable reason, his deferential attitude only seemed to antagonise her further. He had in fact given some thought to how Asuka would react if he did stand up for himself. Or as he had daydreamed about, stood up to her. For some reason all he could envisage was himself resembling his Father and the image didn't sit well with him at all.

"Talking '_AT' him you mean." Mana remarked waspishly. Her eyes drifted to Shinji's other side, narrowing at what she saw. Rei had positioned herself next to Shinji, preventing the three Hayashibara sisters from having easy access to the young boy. Deciding to let the albino wage that particular battle, Mana launched the first salvo's of her own campaign by shuffling just a little bit closer towards Shinji_

Her not-so subtle ploy attracted the attention of the nervously subdued boy and he glanced up briefly to find Mana smiling broadly at him, her emerald eyes sparkling with barely restrained mischief. The fragrance of her perfume gradually enveloped his olfactory senses, hinting at something exotic and spicy. Shinji felt his face begin to warm considerably under the young girl's inviting gaze and her surreptitious wink caused him to cough uncomfortably.

"No one asked you Kirishima." Asuka retorted, ruthlessly stabbing a tempura fried shrimp out of Hikari's bento. She in no way appreciated the underhanded manner in which the supposedly former espionage agent was attempting to seduce the dim light bulb that was Baka Shinji. The presence of Wonder Girl, who was simply resting against Shinji's side, only exacerbated the indecent travesty.

Mana grinned deviously at Asuka. Turning back to Shinji, she feigned panic and lunged at the boy, catching him completely off-guard. Pressing her self against his chest, she settled herself into his lap, momentarily allowing herself to enjoy the shared intimacy of the moment. Forcing herself to forgo the decision of taking Shinji right there, she instead opted for subtlety. "Shinji, are you going to let this foreign devil talk to your girlfriend like that?" Mana pleaded, ignoring the startled expression on Shinji's face and instead snuggled even closer against him.

"GIRLFRIEND?!?" Several voices exclaimed in unison, causing a nearby sparrow to fall from its perch.

Sniffing at Asuka's continued  impertinence, Mana decided it was high time to establish her claim. The first step towards attaining what was rightfully hers meant discarding her earlier alliance with the Red Headed Bitch. "We have gone an a few dates," She explained, her voice now coy and slightly embarrassed, "and we even visited an onsen together." Mana's eyes glowed maliciously as she delivered her coup de grace. "It was soooo romantic and intimate with just the two of us. Alone and naked in the hot, steamy water."

The panic stricken mass that was Shinji wondered if it was possible to die as a result of having numerous girls glaring murderously in his direction. Swallowing slowly, he prepared to explain the situation in a way that would allow him to survive for at least another five minutes, although it was difficult with an extremely attractive young woman resting on his lap and another leaning against his side.

For once, fortune smiled down on the young hedgehog, deciding to alleviate his current predicament.

Shinji's cell phone beeped, notifying the small cluster of obviously frustrated females and the lone, petrified male that his presence was required elsewhere.

Glancing at the screen display, Shinji read the message that was flashing. "I'm needed at NERV." Struggling to conceal his relief, he smiled apologetically at the young ladies who in turn were frozen in a variety of combat stances as they prepared to launch their individual assaults against each other. "I'm sorry I didn't get to eat much of the lunch you prepared Hikari-san," His smile brightened slightly as he looked at the now completely flustered young brunette. "But what I did eat was delicious. You're extremely talented Hikari-san." Finishing his farewells and finally convincing Mana and Rei to allow him to leave, Shinji turned and left to locate the nearest NERV Security Team that would undoubtedly be waiting to transport him to Headquarters.

With the prize having departed, the girls settled back down to finish their lunch, warily observing each other, preparing for an attack from any and all directions. Ultimately it was Rei, after a quiet moment of reflection, who voiced what was nagging at the back of their minds. "Why was Ikari-kun the only one ordered to report to Headquarters?" Only a select few individuals would have detected the simmering rage behind her blank façade as her eyes lingered on the spot where Shinji had sat beside her.

***

**_NERV Headquarters – Where Other People Can Take Time To Humiliate You_**

"Major Katsuragi, I've had the Third Children as ordered." The attractive, dark haired Section 2 agent displayed a satisfied smirk of contentment while spinning a set of handcuffs around her index finger. "I mean," She feigned a small degree of embarrassment at her faux pax while saluting the indigo haired Major; "I have the Third Children as ordered." Although her crisp salute spoke of rigid discipline, the smirk however, remained firmly set on her face, declaring something else entirely.

Misato inclined her head towards the woman while placing a firm grip on Shinji's shoulder. "Thank you, I'll take it from here." She managed to say between clenched teeth, drawing Shinji to her side.

"Later, Pilot Ikari." The agent whispered, winking suggestively at the boy who was still trying to encourage the circulation back in to his hands by massaging his slightly bruised wrists.

Somehow Shinji knew that it was spoken more as a promise than as a generalised farewell. "Uhhm …………okay." He replied, wincing at the pressure of Misato's fingernails digging into his flesh. The aura his former Guardian was radiating informed him she was far from happy about something.

"Shinji-kun, follow me." Misato ordered before simply dragging the young Pilot along a series of hallways and passages. Every now and then stopping to look around, gauging the best course to take.

Having experienced first hand Misato's less than intimate knowledge of NERV HQ's layout, Shinji suddenly despaired of ever seeing the light of day again. Shaking himself out of thoughts of being lost and isolated inside the Geo-Front with only the attractive Director of Tactical Operations for company, Shinji posed the question that had been lingering in the back of his mind since he had received the phone call earlier. "What's the matter Misato-san? Is an Angel attacking?"

Looping her arm around the boy's shoulders, Misato drew him even closer, pressing one of her breasts against his face. "We're not entirely certain what's happening. Ritsu-chan mentioned something about a disturbance in the lower levels of Dogma and that it was necessary to have you brought in." Misato had immediately agreed with the Chief Scientists suggestion. She preferred having Shinji where she could keep an eye on him and protect him from the nefarious forces that were aligned against him and constantly trying to harm him. Shinji was naïve to the wicked ways of the world and his often subdued and melancholy expression only further encouraged her to keep him by her side. At least that was the official explanation. The unofficial explanation was something Misato hoped to get started on as soon as humanly possible.

Trying his best to ignore the pleasant, soft mass resting against his cheek, Shinji finally noticed that they had yet to encounter any other NERV Personnel in their convoluted travels. "Just me? What about Asuka and Ayanami?" Shinji didn't hear what Misato mumbled as she quickly ushered him into a nearby elevator. "Misato-san?" Shinji blinked as his former guardian gently pushed him back against the rear of the elevator, effectively cutting off any possibility of escape.

"Going down." Misato murmured her voice low and husky and her eye's smouldering as she advanced on the young boy who was still struggling with his sense of common decency and his teenage hormones.

***

Ritsuko looked up from her data console, brushing back a few stray blonde locks that had drifted across her face. "Misato? Where have you been?" Her eyes narrowed at the dishevelled state of the woman's clothes and her voice suddenly developed a more accusatory pitch. "And what took you so long?" Her keen eyes immediately spotted the extremely smug look of euphoria on her friend's face and the slightly bewildered expression that Shinji sported. The fact that the top two buttons on Shinji's school shirt were missing did not escape her notice either.

 "We had some," Misato paused, making a deliberate spectacle of straightening her skirt and jacket, "difficulty in the elevator, but we managed to work things out eventually." Her eyes sparkled with unsuppressed glee as she glanced at her young companion. "Didn't we Shinji-kun?"

Shinji could only manage to nod his head, unsure if he could actually formulate words at the moment. He did however; subconsciously reaffirm the presence of the belt holding his trousers up.

Biting back on the stinging rebuke she dearly wished to unleash upon the impudent Major, Ritsuko instead opted to steer her friend's thoughts towards the problem at hand. "We've managed to contain them to a degree by flooding the surrounding corridors with Bakelite." With a display of her prodigious typing skills, Ritsuko transferred a series of internal layouts onto the main holographic display screen. "The problem is it's not stopping them, only slowing them down."

Shinji swallowed nervously. In his opinion one Blue Pattern was one more than absolutely necessary. Unfortunately from what he could see, there were quite a few blue blips appearing on screen. "Them?" He said incredulously, his eyes wide at Ritsuko's calmly delivered statement.

Smiling in as comforting a manner as she could manage in a hope to somehow reassure the boy, Ritsuko rested a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed, intending to calm him down. "Yes. As far as we can tell there's somewhere in the order of about thirty blue patterns detected. Possibly more." As Shinji continued to stare dumb-founded at the screen, Ritsuko seized the opportunity and allowed her hand to wander down his back, caressing his shoulder blades through his shirt. Her small smile quickly developed a distinct lecherous appearance at how the firm and toned young flesh felt beneath the fabric.

Glaring at her friend's wandering hand; Misato pinched it, eliciting a wince of shock and anger from the scientist. "What do you mean '_possibly more'_?" Misato asked, moving to stand at Shinji's other shoulder. "What do the MAGI have to say about it?"

Still rubbing the hand where Misato had pinched her, Ritsuko walked to a nearby table and picked up a package. "The MAGI are experiencing some problems at the moment. I'll run a complete system diagnostic when I have the opportunity. Right now I need Shinji-kun to get ready."

 "Ready?" Throughout the entire drama thus far, Shinji had felt a nagging sensation that something was about to change in his life. Drastically so. "What's going on Ritsuko-san?" He didn't really expect an answer. At least not an answer he would be able to understand. Ritsuko's explanations often left him more confused than before he had actually asked the question.

"I'll answer your questions while you get changed." Ritsuko offered, throwing the package at Shinji. "Here, you'll need this." Leaning back against the desk, she retrieved her coffee cup and took a sip, her emerald eyes never wavering from the boy before her.

Unwrapping the package, Shinji stared at the contents that lay within. "This isn't my normal Plug Suit." He said, holding the suit up to inspect it. His preliminary examination only further unsettled him as he noted that while it appeared to be modelled on the male Plug Suit, it was missing a great deal of material.

"No, it isn't." Ritsuko agreed, the small smile she normally used broadened considerably. "This one has been modified to provide you with the greatest chance of survival."

Misato shook her head, clearing the visions of Shinji wearing the heavily modified Plug Suit from her mind. "Survival? What do you think you're doing with my Shin-chan Doctor Akagi?" She demanded.

Ritsuko sighed. She had suspected that Misato would be difficult about things, but then the woman always acted contrary where Shinji was concerned. "Making sure he makes it back." She answered, hoping to soothe the savage beast that lurked beneath Misato's glamorous exterior. "I won't have my holiday ruined because of those little vixens." She muttered into her coffee mug.

"Holiday? Vixens?" Misato frowned as she tried to understand her best friend's curious words. "What are you talking about Ritsu-chan?"

"Never mind." Ritsuko coughed. "It's nothing." She assured Misato. Her eyes wandered back to Shinji who was still standing there staring at his latest garment. "Hurry up Shinji-kun. We don't have all day." She chided the boy, drawing an apologetic look of surprise out of the youth.

_// - Meanwhile in Ritsuko's Mind - //_

_// Chibi-Ritsuko presses a button, releasing a deadly Neuro-toxin into the Entry Plugs of Unit 00 and 02, effectively eliminating their respective Chibi-Pilots. //_

Glancing around, Shinji realised that there were no obvious places to go to change into his new outfit. "What? Here? Right now?" He looked back at both Ritsuko and Misato, who he noticed were watching him with more than just cursory interest. "You want me to change right here?"

"Shinji-kun. I'm your Doctor." Ritsuko immediately assumed an air of intellectual indifference. "I have seen everything before. If you'd like, I'll have Misa-chan leave the room if it would make you more comfortable." Without waiting for his response, Ritsuko began herding Misato towards the door, ignoring the woman's vehement protests.

_// While a distraught Chibi-Misato frantically tries to check if Chibi-Shinji is still alive, Chibi-Ritsuko seizes the opportunity to inject her 'Dearest and Oldest Chibi-Friend' with a slightly more virulent strain of the same toxin. //_

Gripping the doorframe, Misato stared menacingly at her colleague. "I'm not budging one iota, Ritsu-chan." Her eyes flickered over Ritsuko's shoulder to Shinji, who was simply watching the display of feminine conflict with confusion and curiosity. "Hurry up and indulge the perverted old woman Shinji-kun." Misato pleaded, hoping Shinji would acquiesce as he normally did and begin removing his clothing.

Before he could answer one way or the other, Ritsuko rammed the sharp point of her high heeled shoe straight onto Misato's foot and while the indigo haired woman was momentarily off-guard from the pain, she shoved her outside and closed the door. "As his Doctor, I'm afraid I'll have to insist Major Katsuragi." To ensure that she would be uninterrupted, Ritsuko activated the security over-rides that only she had the access codes to.

_// After releasing an air-borne variant through NERV's ventilation system (specifically engineered to kill anything not Shinji Ikari or Ritsuko Akagi) Chibi-Ritsuko ejects the entry from Unit 01. //_

The sound of Misato emptying her firearm into the reinforced plating resounded from outside. "I'll be right outside Doctor Akagi." Misato's muffled declaration followed shortly after. "I know how long it takes for Shinji to get out of his clothes." She added. "I'll be watching the clock."

Satisfied that Misato was unable to gain entry to the room, Ritsuko turned back towards Shinji, who to his credit, had not rolled up into a foetal position and started whimpering. "Yes, do whatever you want." She whispered, removing her glasses and flicking her short, blonde hair back. "Why are you still dressed Shinji-kun?" Ritsuko asked playfully, quickly discarding her lab coat. "Here, let me assist you." She offered generously, striding purposely over to the now heavily perspiring youth.

_// Grabbing a set of matching Chibi 'His & Her' Cat Suits from her office, Chibi-Ritsuko made her way to the EVA Cages to greet the only other surviving employee and get the celebration party started. //_

***

**_Tokyo-3 _****_Municipal_********_High School_****_ – Too Many Freaks, Not Enough Circuses_**

Asuka slowly surveyed the assembled group. Every fibre of her being screamed that by allying herself with them, regardless of the circumstances, she was somehow conceding that she needed them. Suppressing her competitive instincts, she cleared her mind, focusing on the outcome instead of the method she was utilising to achieve it. "Are we agreed?"

With a single nod, the collective acknowledged their agreement to the plan they were about to implement. "Yes." They answered as one.

Satisfied that she was effectively in charge of things, Asuka looked down the corridor at the two key elements required for her scenario to develop appropriately. "Okay. Everyone stick to the plan and we'll be out of here and at NERV HQ before you can say '_Shinji Ikari-Sohryu'."_

Walking past the self-satisfied redhead, Rei provided the answer that was on the lips of each girl present. "I do not believe that those words will ever be uttered outside of your own personal fantasies Pilot Sohryu."

"What? It sounds perfectly natural to me." Ignoring the dark comments, promises of divine retribution and generalised threats being directed at her, Asuka purposely began striding towards her intended targets.

Moving up beside her, Hikari glanced nervously at her friend, trying to read past the façade that Asuka often wore . "Uhhm ……. Is it really necessary to do this?" She asked, still unsure about the strategy they were about to employ. Her standing as Class Representative was an aspect of her personality that made it difficult for her to condone what the volatile young girl had in mind, let alone actively participate.

"Lighten up Horaki?" Mana said, moving into position beside the Class Representative. "Look. We need a reason to get out of class and the '_Idiot Duo'_ up ahead are going to assist us." She explained all the while keeping a close eye on the three sisters that had unexpectedly decided to help out. Mana had originally calculated that the two EVA Pilots would be her only real opposition when the time came to decide who claimed the spoils of the upcoming conflict. She had deemed the Class Representative too inexperienced to pose any real threat and had dismissed her from the equation. The triplets were another matter altogether. Even Rei appeared cautious around them, implying that they were more formidable than they appeared. The former spy didn't like unknowns in her equation. She would have to gage for herself how best to deal with them when the opportunity presented itself.

Still uncertain, Hikari began to have second thoughts about the whole arrangement. "But –" Her protest was cut short by Asuka.

"Just do it, okay Hikari?" Asuka hissed, trying to control and direct her anger for what was to come. The fire that often simmered behind her azure eyes roared into an inferno.

***

Most '_mere males', while ignorant of a great many things occurring around them, especially those not associated with sex, sport and food, possess an uncanny '_Sixth Sense_' when it comes to their impending doom at the hands of a woman._

Touji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida were no different, even though their adolescent hormones often interfered with any such warnings. Having sated their appetite for greasy cafeteria junk food, both boys were strolling leisurely back to class, intent on seeing what remained of their quiet, unassuming friend. While envious that Shinji had been granted the opportunity to eat lunch with a group of attractive girls, they nevertheless pitied him for the type of girl the poor boy attracted.

Shivering as a cold chill ran the length of his spine; Kensuke looked at his athletic companion to find he also sported a similar cold sweat and appeared to have difficulty breathing. "Hey Touji, I don't feel too good." Staring at his hand, he suddenly began to lose focus as his vision blurred. Much akin to when he wasn't using his glasses.

Touji wiped his brow. "Maybe we shouldn't have had that twelfth helping." Even with his prodigious appetite, the tall jock had considered the consequences of over-indulging in the spicy food, but had come to the conclusion that he was only young once and had to make the most of it while he could.

Shaking his head, Kensuke felt an ominous presence settle around both he and Touji and knew from experience that it had nothing to do with the after-effects of an '_Enchilada Frenzy'. "No, it's not that. This feels kinda like……." He paused, struggling to describe the impression of absolute fear he was being overwhelmed by. Blinking a couple of times, he looked down and saw numerous shadows consume the floor at his feet. Turning slowly, he swallowed, the noise audible in the not-so empty hallway. His eyes lifted from the floor to stare at the owners of the shadows. "Like we're in really deep shi-"_

Kensuke's words were silenced by a vicious hook to his mid-section. Watching his small friend crumple to the floor, Touji decided to go down fighting, like the man he often proclaimed himself to be. Unfortunately, his male posturing was not backed up by anything resembling true ability as a heel clipped his jaw, sending him careening into the wall. Before he lost consciousness, his last sight was of several girls surrounding both himself and his fallen friend. "Oh fu-." He managed to mutter, despite the pain of a potentially fractured jaw, before he descended into a world of pain and suffering that few have ever known or experienced.

[The Author has deleted the obviously unnecessary sequence involving the brutal abuse suffered by Touji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida at the hands of Class 2-A's Female Elite. Instead, we offer the pleasant sounds of whales and dolphins frolicking off the sun-kissed shores of Tropical North Queensland. Please Enjoy. We will return to the regularly scheduled programming as soon as possible.]

As an educational instructor in one of the most technologically advanced cities in the world, Sensei Ohgami had arrived at the conclusion that regardless of the day and age, students everywhere were the same. He had begun suspecting that some of his charges in 2-A were not really taking his lessons seriously anymore. "I mean, look at this." His index finger pushed a crudely fabricated cardboard cut-out of one of his pupils over. "In my day, if a student wanted to skip class, we at least went to the effort of making a reasonable facsimile of ourselves." Shaking his head, he wandered back to the front of the classroom, despairing for the future of the human species. "No sense of the appropriate." He muttered to himself.

"Excuse me Sensei." Hikari said politely. With the Sensei's attention, the pretty Class Representative motioned to her side as Asuka and Rei ruthlessly flung the battered, limp bodies of two unrecognisable lumps of human flesh onto the floor. "It appears that Suzuhara-kun and Aida-kun have injured themselves on the way back to class." A large sweatdrop appeared at the back of Hikari's head as Mana knelt down and injected something into the still moaning form of Kensuke, silencing his beleaguered cries. "I've organised some of the other students to help me carry them to the Nurses Office." Hikari added hastily, indicating that the assembled part of young girls were offering their services to aid and assist their fellow students.

Nodding at the eloquent speech, Sensei Ohgami felt a stream of tears begin to dampen his cheeks. "Very well Class Representative Horaki. It's a pleasure seeing someone so young take an active, responsible interest in the care of others." He smiled warmly at his students, relieved that there was hope buried at the bottom of Pandora's Box.

Bowing in gratitude, Hikari quickly and efficiently organised the transport of their unwitting and now unconscious helpers. "Thank you Sensei."

Grabbing Touji's ankle, Asuka simply dragged the jock out the door, heedless of the additional injuries her callous treatment was inflicting on the nearly dead boy. Meanwhile, Mana, Rei and the three Hayashibara sisters had initiated a complex game of Jan-Ken-Pon to decide who would be the unlucky individual to actually touch Kensuke.

Mana glared at her offending hand gripped into a tight fist. Her bright, emerald eyes shifted to stare venomously at the four open hands on show around her. "Best two out of three?"

"You have lost Kirishima." A brief smile flashed across the pale features of Rei's face. Only those that knew her would have noticed the subtle change in her facial characteristics. "I can only suggest you make use of an industrial strength cleanser once you have finished moving Aida's body." Rei advised clinically, moving past the brunette and out into the hallway.

"This is all your fault." Mana growled, directing her fury at the prone form at her feet. With a degree of distaste, she ignored the feeling of nausea and began nudging Kensuke along with her foot. Each well placed boot eliciting a grunt from the still unconscious youth. "Now I'm going to have top burn theses shoes." She punctuated her statement with another well placed kick. "And I really liked them too."

***

Hurling the battered bodies of Touji and Kensuke into the Janitor's closet, Asuka looked at her hands and cringed as she valiantly tried to wipe away the grime from having touched them. Sighing in defeat, she straightened herself and turned to face her colleagues. "Okay, now that that's taken care of, let's go see what Baka Shinji's doing." Locking the door, she broke the key in the lock and began walking towards the nearest exit, plans of how she would celebrate her eventual victory taking shape in her mind.

Moving swiftly to catch up, Hikari glanced back over her shoulder at the door where her two classmates were now resting peacefully. "Will they be all right like that Asuka?"

Asuka shrugged. "Why are you asking me? I don't care."

"They'll be fine Horaki." Mana added. "There's a ventilation panel in the closet, so it's not like they'll suffocate." She neglected to inform the class representative that the panel was mostly clogged with filth and grime. Similar to Asuka, she really didn't care one way or the other what happened to the two boys. Her mind was focussed on how to utilise her current situation to her benefit.

"No great loss if they did." Asuka replied, laughing darkly at the image of Touji and Kensuke's corpses.

"We should hurry if we are to locate Ikari-kun." Lina, the eldest of the Hayashibara sisters stated. The trio had kept quiet during most of their most recent escapade. Initially, their primary purpose was to locate the target and as soon as possible, capture and transfer him back to Rei Headquarters for the mass celebration that was being prepared in his honour. This had been discarded as the three clones now realised that the opportunity to have Shinji all for themselves was a distinct possibility. Her other siblings, Tomoko and Momiji, both nodded their agreement at their sister's sound reasoning.

"You were not invited." Rei directed at the transfer students. She had warily kept an eye on her sister's, wondering just how many of the '_Spare Parts_' had successfully activated. Her practical analysis was already anticipating the worst case scenario that all of them were now awake.

"Whoa. Wonder Girl's actually pissed at someone." Asuka could not disguise or hide her amazement at her primary rival's almost unprecedented display of emotion. Her eyes carefully inspected the four girls, noting the similarities between the identical triplets and the blue haired albino.  "You know, it's almost like -."

 "Hello Sohryu-san." An amused voice interrupted. "I see you haven't really changed all that much."

"Huh?" Asuka spun around to face the newest distraction. "Angel Girl?" Her eyes widened in confusion at the sight of the casually dressed girl with her large spectacles and long, black hair. "When did you get back?" The last she had seen of Mayumi Yamagishi was watching her depart Tokyo-3 after they had discovered that she was in fact, the core for the Angel of Illusion.

"Today." Mayumi answered. Her face turned to the two other girls of the group that she knew. "Hello Ayanami-san, Horaki-inchou." She bowed politely before turning to regard the other members that she was unfamiliar with. "Hello. My name is Mayumi Yamagishi. Pleased to meet you."

Rei simply nodded her head, acknowledging Mayumi's unexpected arrival.

"Yamagishi-san!" Hikari exclaimed, surprised at the girl's sudden appearance. "What brings you back to Tokyo-3?" Hikari wasn't aware of the truth behind the bookish girl's departure, only that she had left after a series of disturbing Angel Attacks that had put the city on edge even more than it generally was.

"I left something very important here when I left last time."  Blushing at what it was exactly that she had returned to reclaim, Mayumi smiled impishly.  "I simply returned to claim it."

***

**_End Fifth Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

This isn't the end, but I need some time away from things. Look for my eventual return (I think) sometime early in 2004.

In case I don't make it back (Please stop applauding), I'd like to take the opportunity to thank all the wonderful but terribly insane individuals that have followed my very brief foray into Fanfiction writing. There's been quite a few who have left some interesting and entertaining comments that have prompted me to soldier on, regardless of my phenomenal lack of talent. Oh well, back to Full Metal Panic Fumoffu and Da Capo for me.

**_Happy Everything Mina-san!_**

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	6. Sixth Mistake

Evangelion Parody Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Non-Standard Disclaimer.

Has everyone seen the picture of Asuka cosplaying as Rabi en Rose? If not, you're seriously missing out (It's in the new Sequel to Ayanami Rei Ikusei Keikaku). If I owned Evangelion, they'd all be cosplaying (I can see Rei as Rin from Maburaho). I'm still laying siege to GAINAX's website and respective email accounts. I'm confidant that they'll concede any day now.

Author's Pre-Self Loathing – 

Some of my friends (not to mention a few of my regular readers) have been pestering me to update this particular story thread (Some of my friends didn't even enjoy Evangelion! Bloody Philistines.), so here it is. In glorious black and white (unless you need to degauss your monitor, then it's probably a weird shade of purple, possibly green or maybe even red)

Notice the lack of Self Hatred. The corner stone of my existence is rapidly disappearing. I think the end of the world is nigh. Better not be, I'm enjoying Full Metal Alchemist too much.

**_Someday Somewhere_**

**_Sixth Mistake – Longing For Neglect Once Again?_**

**_NERV – Where Dreams Are Made A Reality (The Kind Of Dreams Where You Wake Up Screaming)_**

With a reluctance born of self-preservation, Ritsuko deactivated the security overrides on the door that sealed her and her young companion away from the world at large and more importantly, from a certain lavender haired, gun wielding Misato Katsuragi. The access panel chirped contentedly informing the doctor that the steel plate bulkhead door was now unlocked. Moving off to the side, Ritsuko placed her hand into her lab coat pocket and clasped her firearm, comforted by its reassuring presence. She repeatedly reminded herself that Misato was her best friend and wouldn't really try to kill her. She might try to wound me, but I don't think she'll shoot to kill. Swallowing audibly, she waited for the coming storm. At least I hope not.

"It's about damn time." Misato spat furiously, storming into the lab room, her dark eyes quickly locating Ritsuko and her hand eagerly awaiting the brains order to fire the pistol it clutched repeatedly into the fake blonde's body. "Just how long does it take to……….." Her mental facilities came to a grinding halt causing her firearm to clatter harmlessly to the floor. "to……….." The cause of her system freeze being the only other occupant in the room. "to…………." Misato blinked once before regaining enough of her composure to speak. "Shinji-kun?"

Removing the last of the Velcro straps that had held him securely on the examination bench, Shinji turned his gaze towards Misato, his eyes rapidly falling to the floor due to his heightened state of nervous apprehension. "Please don't stare like that Misato-san." His hands shifted, trying in vain to cover all of his exposed flesh that was on display. "It's embarrassing enough as it is." Briefly glancing up at his former guardian and commanding officer, Shinji grew slightly concerned by the glazed expression on her face. "Misato-san?" He waved his hand in front of her eyes, alarmed at the lack of response. "Misato-san, you're nose is bleeding."

"Impressive isn't it, Misa-chan?" Ritsuko asked, amused by Misato's reaction. Now that she had deemed the situation safe she walked over to join Misato, pausing only to kick the fallen pistol to the other side of the room. "Here." She said, handing her a tissue. "It takes a little while to desensitise to the effects."

"Thanks." Misato answered, somewhat dazed and overawed by the overwhelming visual experience. "Did you design this?" Having adjusted marginally to the sight of Shinji, clad in an extremely revealing, almost X-Rated version of his regular plug suit, she slowly ran her eyes all over his body, appreciating every single aspect of what was on display.

Shaking her head, Ritsuko walked slowly around Shinji, carefully scrutinising the finished product. "No actually, I didn't." With her brief inspection complete, she sat down on her haunches, her vibrant green eyes level with Shinji's abdomen. "The MAGI created this little marvel all on their own." Tracing her index finger along the thin strips of form fitting material, Ritsuko shivered, luxuriating at the sensation of Shinji's firm, taut flesh. "Mother certainly knows her stuff."

"Remind me to offer my thanks to your mother's genius." Misato continued her exploratory examination, noting with some excitement just how athletically muscular her young charge was. Looks like the training program is starting to pay dividends. It might be time to collect on my investment.

"Just be thankful that she isn't with us anymore." Ritsuko muttered pointedly, taking time to enjoy the view she had. "She had quite a reputation." A dark eyebrow lifted in wry amusement. "Some of the stories would make even someone like you blush like an innocent little school girl."

Ignoring the not-so-subtle jibe, Misato moved closer towards Shinji to better appreciate the overall effect. "Thankful…….." She murmured softly. "Yes, I am thankful." Frowning slightly at how Shinji's desperate attempts at trying to cover himself obscured her view, Misato assumed her more authorative persona. "Shinji-kun." She said, raising her voice slightly while folding her arms across her chest.

"Yes Misato-san?" Shinji wondered what it was that Misato wanted from him this time. The last time she had acted like this he had been relentlessly interrogated about her rapidly diminishing panty supply. He had eventually confessed, after a particularly ruthless session, to illicitly auctioning her underwear off to the highest bidders in the hopes of securing enough of a financial base to flee the country and live a peaceful yet comfortable lifestyle on a sparsely populated tropical island paradise. Of course that particular dream had been shattered when Misato had declared that she deserved a share in the profits and that as his guardian, she would place his share into a secure trust fund. He had later discovered, much to his dismay, that Misato's idea of a secure trust fund was her own bank account.

"Turn around for a moment." She said seriously, twirling her finger in the air, motioning for him to follow suit. "I need to check something."

"Huh? What exactly?" Shinji asked dubiously. His suspicions were confirmed by the childish grin that split Misato's face. Kami-sama, this cannot be good. I know that look.

"Just do it okay?" Misato crooned gently, tracing small circles on Shinji's chest with her index finger. "Humour your Misato-chan." Clasping her hands together, she threw a devastatingly look in his direction, pleading for him to comply. "Please?"

His shoulders fell, mystified at how quickly Misato could change between her serious self and her more regular, playful self. "Whatever you say Misato-san." He sighed disconcertedly, slowly turning around, not really willing to resist her request.

Misato smiled. "Very nice." Her eyes roamed across his shoulders, down his back and finally pausing to linger on his behind. Turning to look at Ritsuko, who was still squatting on the floor, Misato pointed at Shinji's head. "What's with the cat ears Ritsu-chan?"

"An affection of sorts I suppose." Ritsuko replied, rising to her feet. "You do know what affection is, don't you Shinji-kun?" She whispered softly into his ear, her sweet, warm breath blowing gently against the side of his face. "I could always give you some lessons if you'd like."

"Uhhmm, maybe some other time." Realising that both women were now standing next to him, Shinji shuffled back a few paces in an attempt to at least be out of arms reach. "Thanks anyway Ritsuko-san, but shouldn't we be doing something about all those Angels?" He inclined his head towards the display screen that now registered even more Blue Pattern's than before. "And I'm still a little unsure about how this new plug suit is supposed to help." He plucked at some of the suit, still unable to determine what good it would do.

Ritsuko walked over to a nearby cabinet, removing a small, silver canister. "Look, all you have to do is head down to Terminal Dogma, wander around a bit and when you encounter them," She held up the canister, "use this."

"How will I know that I've found them, whoever they are?" Shinji took the offered canister from Ritsuko, staring at it, even more confused than before. "And what is this?" As far as he could see, it had no discernable labels or warnings that might offer some insight into what it might contain or be capable of.

"Trust me. You'll know when you see them. As for that," Ritsuko took Shinji's hands in hers and led him through the application of the device, "pull this pin and that should take care of the annoying bitches………I mean, our little problem once and for all."

Misato enveloped Shinji into a smothering embrace, pressing herself tightly against his slender body. "Shinji-kun won't be in any danger will he?"

"Not life threatening, no." Sitting on the edge of the table, Ritsuko crossed her legs and glanced around, searching for a cigarette. "Well, maybe a little." She admitted. "It all depends on how many of them there are that find him." Lighting her cigarette, she turned her sultry emerald eyes on Shinji, who was completely ensnared by Misato and barely able to move. "How's the stamina and endurance training going Shinji-kun?"

Even though he was already blushing, his face burned even brighter. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Tapping out her cigarette, Ritsuko walked across to stand next to Shinji on the opposite side to Misato. "Shinji-kun. Misato and I spent ages developing that program." She ran her fingers through his fine, soft hair. "It was designed specifically for your constitution. The only reason we enforce it is because we're concerned about your health and well-being."

Oh yeah. Shinji thought bitterly. That explains why you shoved me into a biomechanical monster and sent me out to fight some giant creature with absolutely no training whatsoever.

"Now, now. No sulking Shin-chan." Misato lifted Shinji's chin with her index finger, leaning in close enough that barely millimetres separated their faces. "Hurry up and finish your little job and we'll go back to your place and work on that endurance."

"Misato-san?" Shinji felt his resolve wavering. With Misato on one side and Ritsuko on the other, all avenues for possible escape were effectively removed.

"Hmmmmm." Misato hummed contentedly, closing her eyes happily and thinking pleasant thoughts about prolonged, intensive endurance training.

"Can you stop doing that?" Shinji asked, disturbed by the way Misato was now drooling.

"Doing what?" Misato replied, slightly annoyed that her train of thought had been derailed.

"Massaging my butt." He managed to answer, confident that it was Misato's hands in question. Time and association had afforded him the opportunity to be able to differentiate the subtle differences between Misato's and Ritsuko's hands.

"Oh sorry about that." Misato giggled, trying to appear suitably abashed by the impropriety of her actions and failing miserably. "Force of habit." She explained with an impish grin.

"Misato-san?" Shinji said again, his voice rising in pitch. Unable to budge even slightly, Shinji speculated on just what was going to happen if he couldn't get away from both Misato and Ritsuko. What if someone walks in and sees me like this? For the first time in a decade, Shinji felt a sense of relief that his Mother wouldn't able to witness just how his life had turned out.

Hmmm, that should be ideal.. Lost in the moment, Misato began formulating her post victory celebrations for Shinji's return. "Yes Shin-chan?" She said half-heartedly with her mind on more important matters. I can take a couple of weeks off from work and it won't matter if Shinji-kun misses some school. Then we can ……….

"You have to, uhhmm," He began perspiring heavily, feeling Ritsuko's supple fingers move over his shoulders and her body press against his back, "actually let me go so I can go find the Angels."

"Oh of course." Misato agreed, smiling warmly at Shinji. "How silly of me."

"Misato-san?" He repeated, his strained voice cracking. The suffocating feeling was steadily increasing with each passing second.

"Hmmm." She hummed again, her concentration focussed on more important issues.

He glanced over his shoulder, finding Ritsuko in a similar state to Misato. "About letting me go…………."

"Oh sorry." Misato apologised "I guess it 's just instinct."

"Misato. Seriously. Let the boy go." Ritsuko admonished her caustically, securing her own hold on Shinji, effectively pinning him completely.

Who'd have thought I'd be longing for the good old days of neglect and abandonment.

***

**_Tokyo-3 Municipal High School – Ruining The Best Days Of Your Life_**

"Hey Ken? You alive?" Touji strained to see through the near absolute darkness that enshrouded him, barely able to recognise the form next to him as his military otaku friend.

Kensuke moaned, his senses finally returning from the abyss of unconsciousness. "Yeah, but I think I'd rather be dead." He groaned loudly, struggling into an upright position. "Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much." Fumbling in the dark, he managed to locate his glasses, amazed that the fragile spectacles had apparently survived the vicious assault completely unscathed.

Pushing himself into a sitting position, Touji leaned back against the wall next to Kensuke and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness so he could better understand their dark prison. "Can you remember what happened?" He rubbed his head, wincing from the numerous bruises and contusions that he now sported. "I sort of remember ditching Ikari at lunch time and then afterwards it all becomes hazy."

"It was the girls." Kensuke said, his memory of the incident slowly defragmenting. "They jumped us." He grimaced at a particularly painful sensation throbbing from his ribcage. "Man, I didn't realise the Class Rep even knew how to throw a punch."

"Hey, my legs! I can't feel my legs!" Touji's panicked cry reverberated inside the small room. "I can't feel-"

"That's because those are my legs." Kensuke said wearily, grabbing a hold of Touji's leg and squeezing it. "Here's your's."

"Whew, that's a relief." Touji sighed, relieved at the discovery. "Thought for a minute there that I'd never play basketball again." With a less than sparkling academic record, Touji had more or less devoted his time and effort into developing his already considerable athletic ability. With grades that would make a stale bowl of miso soup look like a Tokyo University graduate, Touji knew without a doubt that a sports scholarship was his only chance at higher education. Either that or he'd have to marry into money. Unfortunately, all his preliminary investigations had revealed that the only single women with the kind of money worth marrying for were the First and Second Children. Maybe I'll have to use the ol' Suzuhara charm and win one of 'em over. The prospect of hooking up with either girl didn't particularly thrill him, but he knew that life was often cruel and unusual. Cruel and Unusual? Sounds like the alter egos of Red and Blue.

Kensuke glanced around the small room. Now that his vision had adjusted to the gloomy conditions, he could see, both he and Touji were in a storage closet of some sort. "I'm actually more worried by just where the hell are we and how in the hell do we get out of wherever it is we are." As far as he could tell, there were no visible exits or passages out of their predicament.

"Ken?" While Touji's voice was calm and level, there was a slight edge of urgency to it.

"Yeah Touji?" Kensuke replied, still searching through the gloom for a way out. "What's the matter." He paled, thinking back to lunch. "You don't need to go to the bathroom do you? Seriously, we need to get-"

"Can you take your hand off my leg now?" Touji asked.

"Oh, sure." Kensuke quickly released his hold on Touji's leg, coughing uncomfortably.

"Thanks." Touji shuffled across, leaving a noticeable gap between himself and Kensuke. "I'm just gonna check things over here, okay."

***

**_Streets of Tokyo-3 – If You Saw This Particular Group Of Girls Walking Towards You, What Would You Do?_**

"So that's what happened." Mayumi frowned at hearing the convoluted explanation from the seven other girls. "I still don't understand why you're all going to NERV though." She looked around at the serious expressions adorning her companions. "Isn't Ikari-kun safe there?"

"Safe?!?" Asuka shouted, waving her arms frantically in the air. "With Misato?" She stared in disbelief at the young girl. "Are you insane Angel Girl?" She continued her protestations, heedless of the curious looks her ranting was drawing from passers-by.

"Do not forget Doctor Akagi." Rei added sharply, her dislike for the blonde scientist evident in her voice. "She is undoubtedly there as well." Recalling some of the more colourful excerpts from Commander Ikari's private files that described to some extent the depths of the blonde scientists depravity, Rei knew without a doubt that the longer Shinji remained at NERV, the greater the possibility that he would be corrupted by her malign influence. I must retrieve Ikari-kun as quickly as possible and secure him safely in my apartment where I can monitor and protect him. The corner of Rei's mouth lifted at this line of thought. Where there will be no interference.

"And don't forget that little tramp Ibuki." Hikari huffed, vividly recalling the morning's incident where the woman had dropped off Shinji at school. "You should have seen the way she was dressed and how she was draped all over Shinji-kun." She fumed at how inappropriate and scandalous it had been. "It was totally indecent. Older women really have no shame."

"When Shinji-kun showed me around NERV," Mana smiled at the frowns produced by the other girls when she mentioned the special relationship she had with Shinji, "I noticed that there were an awful lot of female employees that were just a little too friendly with him."

Collating the information, Mayumi tried to discern a suitable course of action that would allow her the opportunity to see the shy and considerate young man that had made her brief stay in Tokyo-3 memorable. "So what do you all intend to do?"

"Do?" A series of veins started bulging and throbbing along Asuka's temple. "We'll simply march in there and drag his sorry ass out of there." Her eyes narrowed to thin slits and her hands clenched into tight fists, the knuckles popping ominously. "If I'm not there to keep an eye on him, who knows what sort of perverted things Baka Shinji would be doing?" Her eyebrow began twitching furiously at the possibilities.

"I am more concerned with what they are doing to Ikari-kun." Rei corrected the Second Children.

***

**_NERV - Relying On Unstable Teenagers To Save The World (We Are So Doomed)_**

Swallowing heavily, Shinji glanced at his two captors. "Uhmm. This isn't getting me to Terminal Dogma any faster, you realise that don't you?." Noticing how Ritsuko and Misato were now glaring at each other, sparks visibly discharging from their confrontation, his frantic struggles grew decidedly more desperate. Not that I'm all that keen to face the Angels anyway, but it might be safer than staying here.

"Major Katsuragi," Ritsuko adopted her typically superior demeanour, "I insist you release the Third Children at once." Attempting to free Shinji from Misato, her own hold on the petrified youth increased dramatically.

Misato reciprocated in turn by intertwining her legs with Shinji's. "I don't see you getting any less grabby, Doctor Akagi." 

Then again, maybe this isn't all that bad. Shinji mused, beginning to enjoy being massaged between the two voluptuous women.

Before either woman could go further in their tug-of-war, the door slid open and Maya Ibuki strolled in. "Sempai, I couldn't locate Commander Ika-………….Shinji-kun? What's going on here?" All Maya could see was Shinji firmly pressed between the two older women, his head firmly trapped between four breasts and their bodies grinding against his.

_// - Meanwhile in Maya's Mind - //_

// Clad in her super heroine disguise, Super Chibi Maya stood atop the tallest broadcast antenna in the city, her figure hugging costume glistening in the sun and her cape fluttering in the breeze. With determination she carefully surveyed her domain for signs of trouble. //

"Oh, Maya-kun," Ritsuko quickly began working on a believable reason for the group hug that looked suspiciously like a Shinji sandwich, "Misato and I were just discussing the situation with Shinji-kun." Her eyes met with Misato's, praying the other woman would recognise the need for duplicity. "Weren't we Misa-chan?"

Misato assumed a serious expression, the whole pose marred by her intimate entanglement with Shinji. "Situation? Oh yes. The situation." She nodded vigorously. "Very serious. Have to make sure our precious Shinji-kun here," Realising how bad things looked, Misato reluctantly released her hold, instead opting to rest a hand on his shoulder, "understands things implicitly. Can't have him wandering off to face a life threatening situation without a full," Her eye's made another cursory pass over Shinji, "debriefing."

Maya stared at Shinji and his new wardrobe, her cheeks warming at the sight. I'd say he's fully debriefed already. "Cat ears again Sempai?" She asked, wondering just what it was about cats that so fixated her mentor.

// With her super hearing, Super Chibi Maya heard the distressed cries of another chibi being indecently assaulted by nefarious forces. Leaping into the air, she flew to aid the poor chibi victim. //

"Why is it whenever anyone sees someone walking around NERV wearing anything even remotely related to the genus 'Feline', that it has to do with me?" Ritsuko argued defensively, unintentionally drawing Shinji into an intimate embrace, similar to Misato's earlier one.

"Excuse me Sempai?" Maya tilted her head, trying to make sense of Shinji's muffled cries.

// Arriving on the scene, Super Chibi Maya immediately spotted a mostly naked chibi Shinji tied to a bed being mercilessly tormented by chibi Misato and chibi Ritsuko, both dressed in revealing chibi bondage gear. //

"What is it Maya-kun?" Ritsuko asked waspishly, annoyed by the constant questioning of the younger woman. Every time something happened to Shinji at NERV, everyone always assumed it was her fault. Call him in for a few routine examinations and everyone suddenly accuses you of being a paedophile.

"Uhmm," Maya pointed to Shinji's twitching arms and legs, "I don't think Shinji-kun can breathe."

// Declaring her intentions, Super Chibi Maya demanded the two chibi harlots release the poorly abused young chibi Shinji from his captivity. //

"Ohh, sorry about that Shinji-kun." Ritsuko apologised, releasing him to allow him to catch his breath.

Panting heavily, Shinji managed to glance up at Ritsuko from his hunched position and offer her a gentle smile. "No ……..problem………Ritsuko-san." Having recovered slightly from his ordeal, Shinji quickly moved towards the door before either woman had a chance to continue with their game. "But I really should get going." He stopped in the doorway and turned back to look at all three women. "Uhmm, how do I get to wherever it is I have to go?"

"Perhaps I should show Shinji-kun the way." Maya quickly offered, almost appearing at Shinji's side instantaneously. "I mean," She directed a coy smirk at both Ritsuko and Misato, "the Director of Tactical Operations and NERV's Chief Scientist are undoubtedly far too busy to worry about trifling things like that." Looping her arm with Shinji's, Maya led him out of the room. "I'll be your escort Shinji-kun, I'll get you to where you need to go."

// Dealing out her own brand of swift, brutal chibi justice, Super Chibi Maya disposed of her foes, leaving her free to release chibi Shinji from his bondage. //

With a backwards glance, Shinji cringed at the dark, murderous expressions decorating Misato and Ritsuko's faces. "Thanks Maya-san. Looks like I'm even further in debt to you."

"Don't sweat the details Shinji-kun.' Maya said merrily, gently caressing his forearm. "Maybe we could have breakfast together again." She suggested carefully. "Only next time we really should take our time. Interruptions can be so annoying, don't you agree?"

// Deciding that her valiant efforts deserved some form of reward, Super Chibi Maya scooped up a grateful chibi Shinji, carrying him back to her lair. //

"Definitely." Shinji confirmed. "I'll look forward to it."

Misato glared menacingly at the younger brunette and the way she was ' _oh so innocently_' attached to Shinji. "I think we're going to have to do something about her. Sooner rather than later and preferably permanent."

Ritsuko nodded, her own eyes twitching with fury. "Agreed."

***

Still linked arm in arm with Maya, Shinji felt a minor boost of confidence and self esteem. Unlike Misato's and Ritsuko's outrageous teasing, he found the attractive young woman's personality extremely pleasant and easy to deal with. "Do you know what's going on Maya-san? Misato-san and Ritsuko-san were kind of," He smiled wanly, searching for the right way to phrase the two women's earlier performance, "distracted and didn't really tell me anything more than there were a lot of Angel's suddenly appearing in the lower levels of NERV."

"Not really Shinji-kun." Maya confided honestly to the young man, slightly disappointed that she didn't really know any more than he did about the situation. "Sempai sent me to try and locate Commander Ikari and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki when we discovered what was happening."

"Where is my Father?" Shinji asked somewhat apprehensively. While he wasn't actually on amicable terms with the man, he still respected him to some degree. "I haven't seen him around Headquarters at all."

Shrugging, Maya moved in slightly closer to Shinji. "I couldn't find him. Inspector Kaji, Aoba-kun and Hyouga-kun are looking for them at the moment." She affectionately squeezed his arm, hoping to reassure him that everything would turn out fine.

Shinji's troubled eyes moved to watch the floor at his feet. "Oh."

"Don't get all gloomy and depressed." Maya clicked her fingers. "I tell you what. When you get back, how about I invite you over for dinner tonight."

"I wouldn't want to be a nuisance." He whispered disconsolately. "You don't have to be nice to me if you don't want to." Shinji tried to smile but could barely manage to lift the corners of his mouth.

"Oh stop that." Maya scolded, playfully slapping his shoulder. "It'd be my pleasure. I mean, you made breakfast this morning, so it's only fair that I repay your kindness by preparing dinner."

Smiling at Maya's eager expression, Shinji felt the sense of security and comfort return. "That'd be nice Maya-san. Thanks." In a moment of bravery, fuelled by his newly found self-confidence, Shinji hesitantly returned the gesture of gently squeezing Maya's forearm. "I wouldn't mind helping out though. I like to cook."

With her heart beating rapidly, Maya dived in and made her second offer. "You can always cook breakfast tomorrow morning." She said quickly, the words practically tumbling together.

"Uhhm, I wouldn't want to put you out." Shinji replied, unsure if he was overstepping the boundaries of social etiquette by accepting her generous offer from a work colleague. "You know, having to drop me of later and then pick me up again tomorrow morning."

"Oh that's okay." Maya said, waving away his concerns. "It won't be a problem at all." She assured him.

Shinji couldn't help but smile, truly glad that there were people like this in his life. People that were willing to ignore how pathetic and weak he was. People that were willing to accept him and be his friend. "Really?"

Maya nodded her head. "You can just stay the night."

***

With her frustration growing by the second at how Maya was apparently succeeding in her ploy to seduce Shinji, Misato removed a shoe and prepared to launch it at the offending television. Her decision to remove the offensive broadcast from sight was stalled by a muted explosion that caused the entire room to shake. "What the hell is going on now?"

"It appears we're under attack." Ritsuko chewed on her lip, the security footage she was watching did not look promising.

"Who by?" Misato walked over to see what was happening. "JSSDF? More Angels?" Her eyes widened in complete and utter panic. "Please don't tell me it's the Alcohol Debt Collection Agency." She scrambled to find her gun. "I meant to pay them, I swear, but without Shinji, I had nothing to use as collateral and they-"

"Still using Shinji to pay your way out of debt?" Ritsuko wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, but the more she thought about it, the more feasible it sounded. Imagine the revenue we could make from leasing him out.

"He's worth Unit 01's weight in gold." With her gun in hand, Misato felt confident enough to face the problem head on. "I won't let the money-hungry bastards take me without a fight." She declared ominously, releasing the safety.

"You're going to need more than that I'm afraid." Ritsuko replied, pointing to the scene being played out. "See for yourself."

"What the ………." Lost for words, Misato could only watch as a large, familiar creature began renewing its assault on NERV Headquarters.

"The Angel of Illusion." Ritsuko began tapping out a series of activation commands that would hopefully hinder the large beasts attack. "It appears we're not the only ones who have decided to make a move." Zooming in on the small cluster of young women, she frowned at the familiar faces. "I'm surprised that they managed to put aside their differences and form an alliance."

"Sort of like us." Misato added innocuously, prompting a wry smile from her friend.

Ritsuko shrugged, uncertain if what she had with Misato was an alliance or simply a means to an end. "As adults, we're able to see past the petty differences and realise that sharing is better than missing out altogether." Either way, she knew that her chances were decidedly greater with Misato rather than against her. At least for the moment.

"Of course." Misato agreed.

For now anyway. Was the simultaneous thought from both of them.

***

**_Streets of Tokyo-3 – Because NERV Needs Casualties To Justify It's Existence_**

"That's the way Angel Girl." Asuka began pumping her fist in the air, spurring the Angel's assault on. "Get that big lug moving. Crack NERV open like the rotten egg that it is." Scattering debris caused another nearby building to collapse, but Asuka shrugged indifferently, believing the excessive collateral damage to be completely acceptable. The lengths I have to go to, just to protect that Baka. She smiled confidently. I'll just have him make it up to me.

Mayumi watched her monstrous partner continue to rage and destroy to it's hearts content, the nearby landscape suffering tremendously under the winged behemoth's savage fury. "Are you sure that we should be doing this?" She had not expected to have to attack NERV on her first day back in Tokyo-3. Re-positioning her glasses, she sighed wistfully, wondering when she would get to see Shinji again.

"What are they going to do?" Asuka grinned, enjoying the wanton destruction of NERV. "Send out the EVA's to stop us?" She pointed to Rei, who was simply watching the carnage with only marginal interest. "With both Wonder Girl and myself out here, they only have Baka Shinji to rely on," Asuka crossed her arms and smiled confidently, "and he'd rather die than hurt anyone."

Up until this point, Hikari had simply stood by, watching in silent awe at the brutal display. "I don't know about that Asuka. Aida-kun and Suzuhara-kun once told me about how Shinji-kun gets when he's inside his Evangelion. They said he was completely different from how he normally is." Hikari had initially tried to envision Shinji the way that the other two boys had described him, but still had some difficulty believing that inside the quiet, unassuming exterior lurked a violent psychopath.

"Oh shit." Asuka said, a cold sweat forming at the memory of just how unstoppable Shinji was when fighting inside his EVA. It was this aspect that had initially caught her attention. Coupled with his gentle, caring nature, she had slowly developed a keen interest in the Invincible Baka Shinji-sama.

Turning towards the rest of the assembled group, Rei waited patiently, her silence somehow attracting their attention. "It appears we should split our forces into separate groups." Motioning towards the rampaging Angel, she then nodded to Mayumi. "Yamagishi can easily provide the required diversion while the rest of us proceed to infiltrate NERV and extract Ikari-kun."

"Kills me to say it," Mana said, walking to stand beside the pale young girl, "but Ayanami's got a point. We need to strike hard and fast if I'm going to have any chance of rescuing my Shin-chan………. What?!? What did I say?" She demanded, noticing the less than pleased looks being directed at her.

Ignoring Mana's outburst, Asuka took control of the conversation. "Okay, let's split into two teams. I'll lead one," She declared, then pointing at Rei, "Wonder Girl, you take the other one."

"Who died and made you boss?" Mana grumbled, flicking an annoyed glance at the red head. It was bad enough she had to put up with the pompous girl strutting around like she owned the place, but to have to take orders from the girl. The things I do for love.

"Think about it spy." Asuka rolled her eyes and shook her head. "As the only Evangelion Pilots here, the two of us know the layout of NERV better than any of the of you."

In the background, the three Hayashibara sister's smirked at the comment, deciding to stay silent and simply wait for the right moment before making their move.

"How do we decide the groups?" Hikari shuffled nervously from foot to foot. She had never been inside NERV and considering some of the stories and rumours she had heard, she was in no real hurry to do so.

"Hikari. You me and …… " Asuka looked at the small cluster of triplets, deciding it was prudent to separate them, "you, the oldest one…….whatever your name is." For some reason, the three girls irritated her. There was something about them that set her on edge.

The Rei clone that had designated herself as the eldest of the three siblings returned Asuka's disdainful stare with one of her own. "Lina. Lina Hayashibara." Nodding to her two younger siblings, Lina moved to stand beside Asuka and Hikari.

"Whatever." Asuka said dismissively. "You're with me and Hikari." Her eyes roamed across to encompass the four remaining girls. With her gaze landing squarely on Rei, she grinned, the concept of a new scheme taking shape. "Wonder Girl, you get the spy and the other two."

Rei nodded once before turning and walking towards NERV, not even waiting for Tomoko, Momiji or Mana to join her. "Agreed." Her eyes narrowed in speculation, wondering just how to best remove her intrusive '_sisters_' and the bothersome former spy. I need to ascertain whether they are acting alone or as part of the collective.

Before she could leave, Asuka grabbed Mana by the wrist and leaned in to whisper harshly into her ear. "I hope you remember our little agreement, Kirishima." Her piercing sapphire blue eyes held Mana's vibrant emerald orbs, searching for any hint of treachery.

"Of course." Mana whispered softly. Masking her true motives was something she had excelled at, even before the JSSDF had trained her in the finer arts of espionage. I haven't forgotten what I'm here to do. I'm not going to let you or anyone else hurt my Shinji-kun ever again.

Directing her gaze at the departing Rei and the two younger Hayashibara sisters, Asuka tightened her hold on the girl's wrist, reinforcing her words. "If you find the Baka, take out Wonder Girl and the other two and meet me back here."

"What about Yamagishi." Mana asked, concerned by how formidable the bookish young girl appeared. Her initial impression of a timid, bookish young girl was completely mistaken. "The fact that she's able to control that Angel-"

Shaking her head, Asuka smirked. "Don't worry about that. We remove Angel Girl and poof," She exclaimed, releasing her hold on Mana's wrist, "no more Angel."

 "Here's to a successful mission." Mana resisted the urge to massage her wrist, reluctantly admitting that it certainly was more advantageous to having the psychopathic Devil Girl on side than not. How does Shinji-kun put up with this barbarian?

"And the death of all the stupid whores that stand in my way." Asuka added before stalking away with Hikari and Lina in tow. Shinji, you better not be doing anything stupid.

"Kirishima, we are leaving. Speed is of the essence." Rei said, having noticed the tardy behaviour of the green-eyed girl.

"Yeah, I'm coming." She called out before turning back to Asuka, her eye's staring daggers into the departing girl's back.

***

**_NERV Male Toilets – Validating Your Inherent Mistrust Of Strangers_**

"_I'm too sexy for my shirt_,"

Ryouji Kaji, Special Inspector for NERV, self-proclaimed ladies man and triple agent operating on behalf of SEELE and the Ministry of the Interior, opened the door to the Men's toilets to hear the unusual sound of Commander Gendou Ikari singing. "Uhhm, Commander Ikari?" Ryouji winced at the dreadful sound. Is he injured? Maybe he's dying.

"_So sexxxy it hurrrts_,"

Stepping inside, Ryouji attempted to mute as much of the noise as possible and moved to stand outside the only closed cubicle. "Sir?" He tentatively knocked on the closed door.

A sudden coughing fit resounded from inside the toilet. "Inspector Kaji?" Gendou inquired hastily, his voice resuming its deeper, more authorative tone. "What are you doing here?"

"Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki sent me with a delivery." Ryouji held his special delivery over the door, surprised at how quickly it was snatched from his grasp by the man inside.

Relieved that his former mentor had made sure to supply extra soft, double ply tissue, Gendou furiously began taking care of his unfinished business. "Where is the old coot?"

"He mentioned something about having some holiday time owed to him and said he was taking a leave of absence for a few days." Ryouji answered, recalling how anxious the older man had seemed and just how quickly he had departed once it had become apparent just who was attacking NERV.

The sound of a flushing toilet was followed by the appearance of Gendou, who walked past the younger man, pointedly ignoring his amused grin and began washing his hands. "Indeed. So what is happening?"

"Apparently we're under siege." Leaning back against the wall, Ryouji could feel another vibration rock the structure of the subterranean fortress. He clamped his hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter when the washbasin Gendou was using cracked and spilt water down the front of his trousers.

Ignoring the problem of his now soaked pants, Gendou speculated on the possible identity of the assailants. "It shouldn't be those meddling '_Do-Gooders_' from Child Welfare, I sent them a photo of The Third Children playing '_Happy Families_' with Major Katsuragi." Gendou hoped that proof that his son was living a carefree, idyllic existence would keep the bloodthirsty fiends at bay. He was getting sick and tired of their repeated attempts to kidnap one of his valuable resources. "Perhaps the old men of SEELE have decided to make their move. Their trust in me has obviously –"

Actually it looked like Katsuragi was trying to '_start_' a family with Shinji-kun. Ryouji thought after seeing the photo in question. He remembered playing similar games with Misato back in college. "Uhh, it's not SEELE that are attacking Ikari." Ryouji informed him.

Drying his hands, Gendou looked curiously at the itinerant man. "Who then?"

"Replace '_Old Men of SEELE' with '_Young Girls of Tokyo-3'_ and you'll have a better grasp of how bad the situation actually is." Considering what Ryouji knew of the individuals that were presently laying waste to NERV, he decided that following Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki's lead wasn't such a bad idea. Especially considering that Asuka and Misato had found out about the time he had jokingly hit on Shinji. Dodging bullets and giant fighting mecha was not how he envisaged spending the rest of his career._

Gendou paled, a noticeable sweat breaking out on his forehead. "Oh shit."

"My thoughts exactly."

***

**_Terminal Dogma – You Just Know Something's Going To Happen-Nyan_**

_'Stay the night'_ Maya's words continued to echo in Shinji's head. "I'm pretty sure that Maya-san's apartment wasn't big enough to have two bedrooms. "Admittedly he hadn't seen enough of it to be entirely certain, but he doubted a young single woman would have a need for more than one bedroom. "But then Misato-san's single and her apartment has three bedrooms." He smiled, thinking that Maya obviously intended for him to use a spare room for his sleepover.

Walking along the sterile corridors, he took the opportunity to turn his secret weapon over in his hand, wondering just what would happen once he pulled the pin. Hooking his index finger in the ring pull, he contemplated the ramifications of activating the canister now and leaving for the relative safety of the surface.

"Shinji-kun!" An excited female voice screamed from further up along the corridor.

Shinji lifted his head and rubbed his eyes, not quite believing what he was seeing. "Ayanami? What are you doing down here?" He stared at the shirt Rei was wearing. A handprint over her breast with the words '_Shinji Was Here_' emblazoned beneath it had him stop dead in his tracks. "There's apparently Angel's all…….."

"Shinji-kun!" From around another corridor, another familiar azure haired, pale skinned girl appeared. Smiling broadly, she waved at Shinji and began running towards him.

"over…….."

"Shinji-kun!" The all too familiar voice rang out from behind him. Looking back over his shoulder he spied the all too familiar form of Rei Ayanami.

"the ……"

"Shinji-kun!" Yet again, another smiling Rei appeared in his field of vision.

"place."

 "Shinji-kun!" /  "Shinji-kun!" /  "Shinji-kun!" /  "Shinji-kun!" /  "Shinji-kun!" /  "Shinji-kun!"

Slowly turning 360°, Shinji watched as Rei after Rei filled the corridors in all directions. All of them smiling and all of them rapidly closing in on him. "Ayanami's." He whispered, feeling dizzy at the sight. "So many Ayanami's." His legs began shaking and his heart began pounding loud enough to blot out all other noise. "And they're all smiling." He had to admit he liked that smile. "So beautiful." He watched the rapidly approaching hoard, waving at their approach. "Too………much." He said before losing consciousness to the excessive stimulation. The last thing he saw was the canister falling from his hand, the pin still lodged firmly around his finger. Oh shit.

***

"Ooooohhh." Shinji moaned, blinking slowly, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the strange lighting that filtered in through his eyes. He tried to clutch his head but found his arms wouldn't respond properly. Glancing at his wrists, he discovered the reason for their apparent reluctance to obey the directions of his central nervous system. "Why am I chained to a bed?" He tugged experimentally at the restraints, testing their strength and finding them more than a match for his own. "Why am I in a bed?" Glancing down, he realised with some alarm that he was apparently naked, his lower torso barely covered by a pink silk sheet. "Where is this place?" Looking around as much as his situation allowed, he noticed the room was lit by a series of low watt, pink lights creating a subdued, comfortable atmosphere.

"Shinji-kun, you're awake-nyan." Rei's familiar voice said from outside his line of sight.

"Nyan?" Shinji repeated, intrigued by the odd sounding word. Before he could ask any of the numerous questions that plagued his thoughts, a shadow fell over his prone body, prompting him to look up. "Aya……….nami??"

***

**_End Sixth Mistake_**

Tbc???

Authors Post-Self Loathing – 

What awaits our hapless (witless, helpless?) hero? Don't ask me. I don't have a clue. I'm sure most of you know just what 'Nyan' implies. If you don't, you're not watching enough anime. I'm confident that Bill Riddle knows exactly what is going on. ;) (I'm working on the promised Shinji / Mana fic, I swear.)

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne


	7. Seventh Mistake

**Evangelion Parody Fanfiction**

By Otaku D-Man

Non-Standard Disclaimer.

I did have it for a little while, but I traded it for some magic beans. Maybe not the best decision of my life, but definitely not the worst (That would be my decision to write Evangelion Fanfiction).

Author's Pre-Self Loathing –

Have we all had enough yet? (Give me a '_Hell Yeah_!')

I wanted to raise my voice in chorus with you all, but a certain Chibi Female Friend of mine is still making certain threats. Threats that fill me with a sense of nausea and dread. Any being endowed with a Y chromosome knows just what I'm talking about.

Also, I realise it's been a while and this will now become the way of things. Not just for this, but all my fics.

No explanations, no apologies, no talent, no girlfriend. (Ain't life grand!)

No wonder I'm receiving hate mail and death threats. Now if I only had a stalker I could claim celebrity status.

_**Someday Somewhere**_

_**Seventh Mistake – Debts, Demands and De Womans-Nyan?**_

_**NERV HQ – We Have Uncovered The Enemy And Discovered It Is Us**_

"Run that by me again, Ritsu-chan." Misato's cold and altogether dangerously quiet voice demanded. "Just what does '_Uh-Oh'_ mean exactly?"

Resisting the urge to swallow, Ritsuko glanced nervously at the unforgiving and in her honest opinion, dangerously close barrel of Misato's pistol. A pistol that was now currently resting rather uncomfortably against her temple. "What I meant to say was….." The terribly loud, at least to Ritsuko, noise of Misato releasing the safety reverberated and echoed inside the scientist's head, causing the usually stoic blond to sweat nervously.

"I'm waiting Ritsuko, but your time," Misato's eyes narrowed to thin slits and the taut muscles along her jaw began twitching, "just like my beer buzz, is fast disappearing." It wasn't that she wanted to kill Ritsuko. No, it was just that the little voice in the back of her head was screaming at her to '_Cap the bitch now!'_. The only thing that granted her blonde colleague a temporary reprieve was that Misato's internal judge, jury and executioner just happened to sound remarkably similar to Asuka and she had quickly developed an immunity to that particular noise not long after the young firebrand Pilot of Unit 02 had come to intrude on the idyllic life she had been building with her Shinji.

"I might have….." Not entirely certain of Misato's current psychological stability, especially considering Shinji had been removed from her care, Ritsuko struggled for the right words that would keep her cranium and it's precious contents intact just a little while longer, "well, perhaps by accident…." seeing Misato's scowl darken and the knuckles of the hand holding the pistol whiten, suddenly had Ritsuko very concerned. A concern compounded by the knowledge that Misato had not had a single alcoholic beverage since entering the lab with Shinji earlier. "GivenShinjikunthewrongcannisterwhenhewentdownintoterminaldogma." The words jumbled together as Ritsuko clamped her eyes closed and waited for the inevitable moment of her life's end.

I can see the headlines now. '_Brilliant, Super Sexy Scientist Meets Unfortunate Demise at the Hands of Deranged, Stupid Whore_._ Evangelion Pilot Lover Heartbroken. Vows Never To Love Again.' _

Seconds ticked by and Ritsuko wondered whether someone who had had their brains unceremoniously blown out by their best friend would actually realise that the event had taken place. Her analytical mind quickly deduced that given the circumstances, there was approximately a 67.3 chance that she had in fact survived. This statistic consisting largely of Misato injuring herself by mis-firing her own weapon.

I still should have heard the weapon fire though.

So given the lack of an earth shattering '_Kaboom_', she wisely decided that that particular statistic would be better told in NERV's corporate newsletter while she was holidaying somewhere far, far away fromTokyo-3 and vengeful women with guns.

"Ritsu."

Glancing up at her friend and would be executioner, Ritsuko was surprised to find Misato staring somewhat slack jawed at one of the display screens. "What is it Misa………." Ritsuko asked, her own words trailing off as she also turned to look at whatever it was that had essentially spared her life.

Both women stared, stunned into silence at what they were witnessing. "Cat-Girls." They both whispered.

Insert Add Break Here

_**Terminal Dogma – It May Be A Small World Afterall, But Lillith Doesn't Feel The Need To Obey The Mundane Laws Of Reality**_

Thinking back over his brief yet moderately eventful life, Shinji concluded that all things considered, his current predicament ranked somewhere in the top five pivotal events that would essentially define the person he was likely, at least in his estimation, to one day become. And perhaps if granted the luxury of time, peace and quiet, he was confident that he could review and prioritise each monumental, life-changing situation that had occurred and rank them accordingly.

Lacking peace, quiet or time, he made a mental note to create said list at his next earliest convenience. He just wasn't sure whether he had a say in having another convenient moment of relaxing solitude any time soon. The reason being the issue at hand that presently required his complete and undivided attention.

I'm trapped in a room with '_mood_' lighting and physically restrained to a large, comfortable bed with an attractive young woman who appears for all intents and purposes to be preparing to relieve me of either my chastity or my life.

Never having read anything in the NERV employee handbook that even remotely resembled his current dilemma, Shinji deduced that he didn't really have any available options except one.

Negotiation.

The first step, Shinji realised, was to get his breathing under control. This would hopefully reduce his heart rate to a tolerable level that would allow him to remain conscious and hopefully alive. Unfortunately, the girl who was central to his quandary had progressed from the stage of standing beside the bed watching him with intense fascination to crawling onto the bed and straddling his naked, prone body. "Uhhm, Ayanami?" Shinji had initially attempted to look anywhere and at anything other than the exquisitely naked alabaster flesh directly situated in front of his eyes, but simply gave in. It didn't make any sense to try and resist the temptation when it was on display so blatantly. And he had to admit that Rei was worth looking at even without the cat ears and tail.

"Rei-nyan." Rei #4 replied contentedly, her ruby orbs gleaming with anticipation. The inherited memories conveniently supplied by her '_Onee-chan'_ that had sustained her and her many '_sister's_' during their prolonged confinement in Terminal Dogma were insignificant when compared to having the real thing at her disposal. Sparing a moment to consider the numerous opportunities that the current Rei Ayanami had wasted and squandered, the Rei perched atop Shinji felt obligated to make up for lost time.

"Huh?" Shinji answered, somewhat distracted as he found his attention increasingly consumed by the way lithe young girl's pelvis rested comfortably against his lower abdomen.

Flexing her hands, Rei #4 smiled with satisfaction at the long, razor-sharp claws that extended and retracted from her fingertips, marvelling at the versatility of her recent acquisitions. "Call me Rei, Shinji-nyan." She playfully demanded of her captive, leaning forward so that her face was mere inches from his.

Swallowing nervously, Shinji resisted the urge to blink the sweat away from his eyes. "Uhm, okay. R-Rei." While he had said her name often enough in his dreams, Shinji found himself unable to replicate his dream-self's calm sophistication when it came to saying it for real for the very first time. The degree of difficulty was exacerbated by the way she was now resting on top of him, the only thing separating them from actual skin to skin contact a thin silk sheet.

Nearly overflowing with pleasure at hearing Shinji utter her name, Rei #4 pressed herself against Shinji as much as she was possibly capable of, inhaling deeply. "You smell nice Shinji-nyan." Shinji's scent and the physical proximity she shared with him stirred something deep and primal within Rei #4's body and she found herself desperately wanting to explore the sensation further. It was an '_itch_' that needed to be '_scratched_' and her burgeoning feline mentality informed her that cat's were extremely proficient at _'scratching'_.

Shinji began trembling nervously, despite enjoying the way Rei lightly rubbed her nose against his bare skin and how she lightly dabbed her moist tongue against him for a brief moment before moving to another part of his body. "Errr. Thank you Rei." After voicing his gratitude at her simple, courteous words, Shinji suddenly found Rei nuzzling her lips against his neck. What he found most disconcerting though was the deep, vibrating noise the slender girl was producing.

Is …….. Is she purring? He wondered. When Rei had first entered his line of sight after waking up, he had thought the ears and tail were simply just another misguided attempt at cosplaying. He was fast beginning to appreciate just how real they appeared to be, especially when her warm, soft ears brushed against his cheek and how her tail slipped under the sheet and snaked around his upper thigh.

Lost in the moment, Rei #4 began running her supple fingers across Shinji's chest and stomach, alternating between gentle, feather-light strokes and firm, vigorous kneading. "You feel nice to-nyan." She whispered dreamily, amazed at how muscular Shinji actually was as she continued to massage his taut, lean frame.

"Actually Ayanam-" Shinji winced as Rei dug her fingers forcefully into his hips. " Uhmm, Rei." He corrected quickly, his use of her given name eliciting yet another scintillating smile from the young girl. "There was something I wanted to ask." Mustering as much courage as was possible given the circumstances, Shinji valiantly decided to take control of things before Rei progressed beyond simply grinding her body against his. "A few things in all honesty."

"Ask anything of me Shinji-nyan." Rei #4 answered, only marginally slowing down in her exploration of Shinji's body and the sensations that touching him produced.

Thankful for small mercies, Shinji exhaled the air he hadn't realised his lungs had been holding. "I was kind of wondering just where I am?" He asked, twisting his head around as best he could without dislocating his neck. As dazed and confused as he was, he knew that this wasn't Rei's apartment. No amount of remodelling and interior decorating could modify her squalid little hovel into the set of a porn film. And he couldn't recall ever seeing a room similar to this anywhere around NERV headquarters or anywhere else for that matter.

"Home-nyan." Rei #4 stated calmly, her hands beginning to travel along the edges of the sheet that lay between her and Shinji.

"And the reason I'm tied to the bed?" Shinji asked, testing the restraints once again, hoping that the soft leather shackles and chains had somehow loosened since he had last tried only moments before.

Confused by Shinji's question, Rei #4 looked up from her investigation of Shinji's lower torso "Simplicity-nyan." She answered. Seeing no reason for further explanation, she resumed her inspection of what waited beneath the sheet.

"And the reason I'm naked?" Shinji added quickly, hoping to prevent his final remaining modesty from being removed.

"Necessity-nyan." Seeing that Shinji had more questions, Rei #4 reluctantly released the sheet and moved back up to snuggle in against Shinji's side. She decided that it would be easier to answer his queries now, allowing her to return to her task without interruption.

Breathing a sigh of relief now that Rei was no longer satiating her curiosity, apparently content with tracing nonsensical designs with her fingertips on his chest, Shinji ran his eyes down the length of her body, appreciating the curves of her adolescent frame. "And the reason you're naked?" He wasn't complaining as such. He had always hoped to one day be naked with an attractive woman and do what was meant to come naturally. He just didn't expect his first time to involve leather and chains. Misato had assured him that the '_Hard Play'_ was usually reserved for the second date.

"Convenience-nyan." Rei #4 laughed softly, tapping her fingers in time to the enunciation of her reply.

"I see." Shinji replied, not really understanding much of anything that was happening. "And them?" He asked, indicating over his shoulder to the large group of Rei look-alikes that were all similarly unclothed and whispering and giggling amongst themselves as they patiently watched the proceedings taking place in the middle of the room.

Rei #4 raised herself off the bed slightly and waved at her '_sister's_'. "Waiting-nyan." She said, lowering herself back down next to Shinji.

"They kind of look like you Rei." Glancing back at the cluster of azure haired beauties, Shinji smiled as they waved to him, some even going so far as to blow kisses and pose for his benefit. "They even have cat ears and tails like you do." He clarified, perplexed by the unusual circumstances.

"Agreed-nyan." Rei #4 nodded, concurring with Shinji's observation.

Shinji concentrated his serious, sombre gaze on the girl resting comfortably at his side. "Rei?"

"Yes-nyan." Rei #4 answered, hoping that Shinji was nearly finished with his questioning. She really had things to accomplish and while it would be preferable if Shinji complied, it wasn't entirely necessary.

"Why are there so many of you and why do you all have cat ears and tails?"

Insert Add Break Here

_**Central Dogma – Can I Trade This Job For What's Behind Door Number 1?**_

"Okay, okay. I take it back." Asuka conceded, scowling in annoyance and frustration. "Un-fuck you." She proclaimed loudly, ridiculing the pale, red haired girl to her left. "There? Are you happy now bitch?" No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't bring herself to like the new transfer student, even if they did share similar hair colour.

"Not particularly, Sohryu." Lina Hayashibara, or Rei #12 as she was also known, glared back at the loud-mouthed Second Children. "I was merely attempting to point out that you are leading us in the wrong direction." She alleged, waving a hand at the door directly in front of them. "I see no reason for you to vent your frustrations at me." Resting a hand on her hip, she smirked at Asuka. "And you call me a '_bitch_' like it's a bad thing."

"This is my turf Hayashibara. Understand? I say whatever I feel like saying to whomever I feel like saying it to." Mirroring Lina/Rei #12's pose, Asuka easily matched the other girl's smirk with one of her own. "As for leading us in the wrong direction, I know this place like my own backyard."

Before Hikari could point out that Asuka lived in an apartment on the 8th floor of a building complex and therefore lacked a '_backyard_' as such, Asuka pushed the door open.

"See!" Asuka gloated triumphantly, throwing the door open. "What did I tell you? Get out here now Baka. You've got some serious explaining to do and your regular 'I'm sorry' won't cut it this time." Several seconds ticked by when Asuka, Hikari and Lina/Rei #12, not understanding why Shinji had yet to appear, peeked into the room.

"What the-" Shigeru Aoba stared in surprise and shock at the three young girls standing in the doorway.

"Shigeru, don't stop now, I'm just starting to get into it." Makoto Hyouga looked over his shoulder back at '_The Big, Bad Wolf'_ and was surprised to find his '_special_' friend staring at the doorway. "What are you looking at Shig-" Turning around, Makoto let go of the basket he had been carrying and pushed the red hood back from his head.

"It's not what you think." Shigeru declared loudly, trying in vain to think of an excuse that would explain just why he and Makoto were playing '_Little Red Riding Hood and the Big, Bad Wolf'_. Unfortunately, nothing plausible really came to mind, short of '_Commander Ikari and Sub Commander Fuyutsuki made us do it'_.

Picking up a nearby perforated ball gag from a desk covered with numerous sado-masochistic sex toys, Asuka dropped it to the floor and looked at the two embarrassed men. One dressed in a studded leather body harness, embroidered codpiece and wolf's head mask while the other man wore a white pleated pinafore dress, red hooded cloak and what appeared to be white fishnet stockings with ruby red stiletto high heels. Shrugging her shoulders, Asuka glanced around the room, noting the camera and studio set lighting. "Of course it isn't."

"Maybe you should spend a little more time in your backyard Sohryu," Lina/Rei#12 remarked snidely, "either that or you should really do something about the type of people you invite over to play."

"Get a decent dye job." Asuka grumbled in reaction to Lina/Rei #12's sarcastic comments. Turning back to the problem that was preventing her from detecting Shinji, Asuka jabbed her index finger at the cross dressing '_Bridge Bunny'_. "Listen up Little Bo Peep."

"Little Red Riding Hood actually." Shigeru interjected, correcting the young German girl's mistaken assumption. "We did Little Bo Peep last we-"

"Oh shut up." Hikari had reached her limit. Not only did her lovingly made lunch go to waste, she was now expected to trawl through the seedy underbelly that was NERV asking closet cosplay freaks for help. All in all, the young Class Representative of Class 2A had enjoyed better days. "Look, I couldn't care less whether you're Bo Peep, Red Riding Hood or the Wicked Witch of the West. Has either of you two seen '_MY_' Shinji-kun?" She insisted, using her most authoritative voice that had taken the better part of six years as class representative to develop.

"Recently?" Both men looked at each other, trying to remember when it was they last saw the awkward young Pilot of Unit 01. He always mentioned having to be somewhere else whenever they asked him to join their Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Troupe.

"Look, I'd hate to risk breaking a nail by having to gut the two of you, but if you don't start squealing you'll discover what really happened to the Three Little Pigs." Following the guilty gaze of the two men, Asuka rolled her eyes as she spotted three latex pig masks. "Just forget we were ever here. Hikari. Hayashibara. We're leaving."

"Well this was a total waste of makeup." Makoto sighed dejectedly now that the mood was broken.

"Don't fret Mako-chan." Shigeru consoled his friend. "One day we'll get to the part where we live happily ever after."

Insert Add Break Here

Tomoko/Rei #48 glanced out the corner of her eye towards her younger sister, Momiji/Rei #113. On cue they both nodded in silent agreement and dashed around into the nearest available corridor, leaving a startled Rei Ayanami and Mana Kirishima in their wake.

They seek to escape. Rei thought to herself, moving quickly to follow her errant younger siblings. They must not be allowed to locate Shinji before I do.

"Where do they think they're go-" Mana stood in the corridor, staring at the path the two new transfer students had taken. "-ing?" Walking five steps forward, she looked up and down at the wall that blocked her passage. Knocking on the steel structure to confirm its validity, Mana turned back to stare in confusion at Rei. "Ayanami, did you see where the other's went?" She asked. "Ayanami?" Blinking in surprise, she walked back to check the hallway that they had arrived from. "Where did everyone go?" She asked, mystified by the sudden turn of events.

Insert Add Break Here

Mayumi Yamagishi looked up at the rather imposing metal door that basically prevented her from entering NERV headquarters and reuniting with Shinji Ikari. She was tempted to ask her Angelic counterpart to simply tear the door from its hinges thus allowing her to continue on her way, but decided that the Angel of Illusion was best left to creating the diversion as was originally intended. Besides, the poor dear rarely had the opportunity to flex its wings and have any real fun. This meant she had to find her own way inside.

Reaching into the ever-present book bag at her side, she removed a single sheet of paper, staring intently along its edges. Satisfied that it would suffice for what she had in mind, Mayumi flicked her long, dark hair back and threw the paper at the door.

Instead of drifting slowly to the ground, the paper whizzed through the air slicing into the steel like a diamond through glass. Within seconds the door was reduced to a pile of neatly cut sections of scrap metal. Pleased with the results, Mayumi held her hand out for the paper to return. "I will have to remember to thank Yomiko-neechan for teaching me how to do that."

Insert Add Break Here

"Here you go. One for each of us." Ritsuko handed each woman a long, thick, ornately coloured shaft topped by a bright, bulbous orb.

Misato ran her hands tenderly along the length of the shaft from the base to the top of the globe. "Ritsu-chan? Is this what I think it is," Tearing her eyes from the object in her hands, she looked to the woman she had seriously contemplated executing not more than an hour ago for confirmation, "because if it is, I've already got one at home."

"Trust me Misato." Ritsuko grinned, removing her lab coat and throwing it over the back of her chair before retrieving her own sceptre. "You don't have one like this."

Turning a deep scarlet, Maya looked for the best way to hold the rod that didn't suggest she had something other than Shinji's safety on her mind. "Are you sure Sempai, it kind of reminds me of the one you gave me for my birthd-"

"I'm quite sure Misato wouldn't be interested in whatever it was someone gave you possibly as a token of their affection in the hopes that you'd want to join them for a hot, steamy night of sexual depravity."

"I wouldn't?" Blinking in surprise, Misato glanced up from her enthusiastic inspection of Ritsuko's gift to find the blonde scientist standing behind her young protégé with a hand clamped firmly over the younger woman's mouth.

"Of course you wouldn't." Ritsuko tittered nervously, slowly releasing Maya from her control. "Besides, aren't we here because we want to rescue Shinji-kun from the evil clutches of those abominations?" She enquired, pointing towards a view screen dominated by a security footage snapshot showing an unconscious Shinji being hauled away by a large collection of identical blue haired cat girls.

"Yeah," Misato had to agree with the other woman on that particular issue, "but there's always time for depraved sex."

"There'll be plenty of time to fulfil any and all of our carnal desires once we rescue Shinji-kun."

"You're right." Nodding happily, Misato reorganised her priorities for the day. "Rescue Shin-chan then depraved sex." Her smile beamed as she playfully kissed the top of the wand. "Works for me."

"Okay, here's how they work. Each device is activated by a sequence of words and physical movements. These pamphlets describe the individual requirements for each of you." Ritsuko informed them both, handing out a glossy brochure to each of them.

Misato quickly skimmed through the document, her eyes widening in astonishment. "Haven't done '_That_' since college." She murmured, her cheeks burning at the rekindled memories of the immoral times of her youth. "Hope I can still bend that way."

"Sempai, I can't do this." Maya looked at her mentor, alarmed by what she was expected to do and say. "It's indecent!" In fact, Maya was certain that at least one of the procedures was physically impossible.

"You two need to watch more Sentai shows." Ritsuko began removing her clothes, motioning to both Misato and Maya that they should follow suit. "The masked heroine's always have ridiculous catchphrases and poses that they use time and time again when they transform."

"Don't you mean '_Hentai_' shows?" Misato muttered, removing her clothes and scattering them around the office.

Insert Add Break Here

_**NERV Central Mailroom – Going 'Postal' Is Only Permissible For Permanent Employee's. Casual Staff Are Restricted to Maiming and Mutilation.**_

"So this is what the Americans promised us?" Kouzou ran a critical eye over the large wooden crate stamped 'This End Up', 'Fragile' and 'Top Secret – Please Don't Look Inside' in large red English words. A multitude of smaller stamp marks indicated that the delivery had travelled to most major cities around the globe before finally arriving in Tokyo-3. "I kind of expected Unit 03 to be ………." Generally known for his perspacapacity and eloquence, Kouzou suddenly found himself bereft of a suitable description for what he was looking at.

"To be what exactly, Sensei?" Once the arrival of Unit 03 had been confirmed, Gendou had almost broken down and wept. But being the man he was, he had simply ordered an innocent technician who happened to be passing by to do so in his place. Two bullet wounds in the kneecaps later and the technician had realised that the Commander was invariably not one to joke about such matters. Given how the rest of his day was progressing, he almost felt a tinge of regret at allowing the young woman to take the day off and go to hospital. He really felt the need to shoot someone again.

_Meanwhile in Gendou's Mind_

_Laughing maniacally, Chibi Bastard Ikari held aloft the Lance of Longinus, declaring his successful implementation of Third Impact. Chibi Yui at his side sighed wistfully, embracing her Chibi man in a romantic embrace, both chibi's conveniently ignoring the wanton destruction that lay behind them as a result of their endeavour._

"Larger." The Second in Command stated rather flatly, disappointed by the fact that the latest Bio-Mechanical Fighting Machine came parcelled in a crate barely two and a half metres high, wide and broad. "Perhaps the Americans are playing some sort of joke."

Gendou removed his white gloves and massaged the bridge of his nose. "Like shipping it piece by piece and expecting us to assemble it?" Replacing his glasses, he slammed his gloved hands onto the safety rail. "Just what are those insipid Americans playing at?"

_Unable to restrain his amusement at the sight of his Chibi wife verbally disciplining their whiny, cry-baby Chibi son for not understanding and believing in his Chibi father, Chibi Bastard Ikari continued his insane laughter as he closed the deal that would see the bothersome Chibi wuss paying for all of his dastardly crimes against Chibi humanity. Life for a Chibi Bastard was good. _

"Well, Keel did mention that financial restructuring was an eventuality." Kouzou tried to visualise the type of Pilot that would be required for such a scaled down version. "I didn't expect the cost cutting to affect production of Unit 03 so severely."

"If only the boy had been twins, or even triplets." Gendou mused. "I could have easily found the necessary additional investors." He silently cursed his son's selfishness. "It's all his fault for having the audacity to be born an only child."

_With his loyal Chibi Army of Chibi Rei's and SD Evangelions, Chibi Bastard Ikari seized control of the world, declaring himself Chibi Chojin._

Kouzou groaned quietly. Whenever Gendou began ranting about his son, it meant only one thing. "Just how much are we in debt this time?"

"It depends on the seasonal adjustments." Gendou admitted. "It's all in the way you look at it."

"What kind of way?" Kouzou asked. "The '_I squandered it all on hardcore porn and illegal pharmaceuticals_' kind of way, or the_ 'I didn't know sheep of ill repute charged that much' _kind of way?"

"I dabbled a little into the Currency Exchange and Commodities Market." His latest financial advisor had assured him that the risk was marginal at best. It was the last time he'd ever listen to a penguin in an off the rack Armani suit.

_Chibi Chojin Ikari loomed large and menacing over what remained of the world, his voracious, slimy tentacles slithering out across the globe, violating everything and anything they encountered._

"You had enough available money for a venture of that level?" Kouzou was honestly amazed. Normally pornography, barnyard prostitutes and narcotics were all involved in some fashion. Gendou epitomised the '_Absolute power corrupts absolutely'_ adage.

"With the NERV Superannuation Fund." It wasn't like any of the employee's actually knew about the pension scheme. It was just another cleverly disguised deduction that allowed him to fleece money to fund his personal vices.

_Chibi God was dead and Chibi Chojin Ikari declared that all was right with his Chibi world._

"I thought the MAGI were juggling the books now."

"They were." Gendou agreed. "That's the price I pay for letting an artificially intelligent, split personality coffee percolator created by an insane whore and maintained by her cat obsessed, bi-sexual slut of a daughter handle the money."

Unable to argue with the logic, Kouzou turned his attention back to the problem at hand. "Unit 03 was intended as the sacrificial lamb that would herald the successful application of the Dummy Plug System."

"And I'm confident it still will." Convincing one of the Rei clones to play the role of Dummy Plug hadn't been all that difficult. Gendou had only to mention that being the successful Dummy Plug applicant entailed spending private time alone with the Third Children in the confined space of an entry plug for a lengthy period of time and suddenly they had one hundred and forty four expressions of interest for the position.

Motioning towards the ground crew, Gendou instructed them to open the crate so he could see for himself just what it was that the Americans had spent all their allocated funding on developing. I wonder why the invoice listed it as Evangelion Unit '_XXX Rated'_, instead of Unit 03 as was intended?

With the packing straps severed, several people began levering into the wooden crate with crowbars. Before they could pry the crate open, the wood exploded from within. "Hello Gendou. It's been a while." A tall and incredibly attractive woman strode purposely from inside the wreckage and remains of the crate, her sparkling jade eyes flashing with wry amusement.

Gendou considered the gorgeous woman confronting him. "It has?" Scratching his beard, he struggled to recall when and where he had encountered her.

Casting aside the mantle that enshrouded her, the woman revealed a sensual, lithe body. "Please don't tell me you've forgotten this '_Old hag'_ already?" She asked, gesturing at her long supple limbs, large, pert breasts, slender waist and firm, curvaceous hips.

"Naoko?" Gendou exclaimed, bewildered by the reappearance of a woman that had been dead for nigh on five years. Why can people just NOT stay dead? He went to all the trouble of orchestrating her demise and the annoying old hag just wouldn't take the hint.

"I'm looking for someone." Naoko purred seductively, causing nearly every male employee and a fair proportion of the female employee's within earshot to frantically declare just how available they were by stripping down to their birthday suits. Ignoring the calamity that her naked appearance was causing, Naoko Akagi scanned the immediate area before turning her radiant gaze back onto an extremely troubled Gendou Ikari. "Perhaps you've heard of him." Her moist, pink tongue slowly licked around the edges of her bold, dark lips. "His name is Shinji Ikari."

Roll The Credits

_**End Seventh Mistake**_

Tbc? (We'll see)

No Pre-Reader / Proof Reader. (As if I could force anyone to even consider reading this drivel and ask that they then provide any sort of constructive feedback.) But I will offer my thanks and appreciation to Chewy and Zen. They both helped more than they'll probably ever realise.

Authors Post-Self Loathing –

Things are starting to heat up with this chapter and there will be more heavily scented lime scenes to come. Nothing that breaches into the NC-17 category so it's still safe for those of a more discerning nature. Although why anyone with even mediocre literary skills bothers to read this shitfic still eludes me.

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at I don't check it as often as I should. (Gomen in advance)

Ja Ne -


	8. Eighth Mistake

Evangelion Fanfiction

**Evangelion Parody Fanfiction**

By Otaku D-Man

Non-Standard Disclaimer.

If something contained in this story can be interpreted in one of two ways and one of those ways happens to offend someone and/or infringes upon the copyright held by all persons and companies concerned,

Good, I damn well mean to offend and infringe.

Author's Pre-Self Loathing –

I recently discovered that reading Comic LO in a public place is never a good idea. People can be so judgemental when it comes to Lolicon Moe.

_**Someday Somewhere**_

_**Eighth Mistake –Every Contingency Plan Needs a Happily Ever After Ending?**_

_**The Bowels of NERV – Nothing a Decent Enema Wouldn't Fix**_

"I am '_REALLY_' starting to get annoyed by all this." Staring down yet another apparently endlessly long and very monotonous looking passageway, Mana Kirishima stopped and etched what she felt certain was her '_ka-zillionth_' directional marker into the stark, metal wall. While she valiantly tried to convince herself that they would help prevent her from getting lost amid the insane rabbit warren that was more commonly referred to as Central Dogma, a small voice that sounded suspiciously like the waspish Second Children gleefully pointed out that she was already lost and that her pitiful attempts at vandalism were nothing more than a contrived attempt at self-deception.

"It just gets better and better." She lamented miserably, brushing an errant lock of hair from her eyes. "Now I've got Sohryu gloating in my head." Ever since she had lost sight of the two strangely irritating Hayashibara sisters and the depressingly morose Rei Ayanami, the normally upbeat and cheerful young girl had been left with no other alternative but to go it alone and continue wandering amongst the myriad corridors, elevators, conveyor platforms and rooms of NERV's main complex in the hopes of either finding her beloved Shinji Ikari or at the very least, another living organism capable of decent, polite conversation. Albeit at this stage, she was almost willing to forgo the living, decent, polite and conversational components of her hopes and settle with meeting Gendou Ikari.

"HOW CAN A PLACE THIS BIG NOT HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN IT!" Mana screamed at the top of her lungs, momentarily surprised to hear how distinct her echo sounded as it reverberated off in every direction. Sighing disconsolately, the former elite JSSDF agent and mecha pilot began moving once again, taking care to avoid yet another viscous, slimy puddle of golden, yellow liquid pooling in the middle of the corridor. "You'd think they could afford proper toilets or at least a damn mop and bucket." She wasn't entirely sure what the suspicious substance was, but the further she progressed into the bowels of NERV, the more of them she encountered. All in all, everything was starting to get on her nerves. "I hope they all had a spare change of clothes." She mused wryly to herself, noting that where ever a puddle was; there was also a corresponding uniform or set of clothes as well. The notion of encountering a large contingent of naked, incontinent NERV personnel had her feeling faint and nauseous.

Pursing her lips, Mana paused for a brief moment and reminded herself that she was a patient and understanding young lady. For as long as she could remember, she had always strived to maintain a high degree of poise, grace and composure regardless of the circumstances. Years of dedication, training and uncompromising self-sacrifice had honed all of her abilities as a competent young espionage agent capable of adapting to any given situation. Yet despite everything she had endured at the hands of the JSSDF, she prided herself with the fact that through it all, she had still managed to maintain her femininity and compassion.

And a girl needed her feminine attributes, as her mother had often told her, '_Preparing to win in love is very much like preparing to win a war. The winner gets to write their own fairytale ending while the loser gets a bullet in the back of the head and an unmarked, shallow grave in a ditch by the side of a very rarely travelled road._' "No one could ever say Mama wasn't direct with her opinions." She giggled, reminiscing fondly of the Kirishima matriarch.

_/ - Meanwhile in Mana's Mind - /_

_/ - Chibi-Mana sat at her chibi-mother's feet listening with the large, wide-eyed awe and fascination that only a cute chibi could manage, engrossed with the chibi-woman's explicit instructions on how to bag her destined one true love. Emphasising this point, Chibi-Kirishima-mama handed her animated chibi-daughter a large nylon drawstring bag with the words "Ouji-sama Get-to" emblazoned across the front. - /_

It was childish she knew, but while the fanciful stories she had loved as a child, and still secretly enjoyed, were obviously over embellished to portray a romantic ideal that would appeal to young girls, Mana still believed that true love would eventually win out over all adversity and that finally, one day her gorgeous '_Prince Charming'_ would magically appear on his white steed and sweep her off her feet.

_/ - Scouring the super-deformed planet for the tell-tale signs of her chosen one, chibi-Mana sniffled and rubbed her weary, tear-streaked eyes before suddenly bumping into someone, tripping over them and falling. Lying face down on the sidewalk and more embarrassed than hurt, the chibi-girl wondered if she was ever going to meet her very own knight in shining armour when she found herself staring into the face of one chibi-Shinji Ikari. - /_

"And if that fails," She reasoned cheerfully, "my contingency plan to seduce Prince Shinji into a mindless stupor and haul him off to a nice secluded location, chain him to the bed and live happily ever after should still suffice." Several very long moments passed as Mana's imagination fleshed out her '_Happily Ever After'_ fairytale ending, culminating in a full body blush and impressive nose bleed that left the young romantic dizzy and swooning with ecstasy.

_/ - "Ouji-sama get-to" chibi-Mana cried, pointing at the surprised chibi-boy beneath her. With him pinned and unable to move she deftly scooped him up into the bag. Whistling a merry tune, chibi-Mana hoisted the reward for her arduous expedition over her shoulder and skipped all the way back home, happily informing her chibi-captive how the red string of fate (currently tied around the bag) and some intensive psychological reconditioning just meant for them to be together forever and ever and ever. - /_

Glancing over her shoulder, Mana searched for anyone that may have witnessed her brief lapse in self-control. Confirming that she was still completely and utterly alone, she turned her attention to her appearance. Using the glistening metal walls as a makeshift mirror, Mana paused in her search to ensure she looked her best before returning to her '_Shinji Ikari Liberation, Subjugation and Consummation'_ project.

_/ - Returning home, chibi-Mana released her slightly bewildered chibi-husband-to-be and proudly presented him to her chibi-mama who praised her chibi-daughter, ushering them both into the freshly prepared chibi-honeymoon suite. Sharing a "chibi-mother knows best" wink with the young chibi-couple, she closed the door and in the blink of an eye nailed the door shut, padlocked it, installed the mine field with electrified razor wire surround and placed a large "Do Not Disturb – Living Happily Ever After" sign out in front. - /_

Standing at yet another junction of six inter-connecting corridors, Mana crossed her arms and looked thoughtfully down each passageway, trying to determine the best route to take. After several seconds, she decided upon the most appropriate path. "I'll have to remember to thank that bottle blonde weirdo." She muttered quietly under her breath as she inspected a series of maps whose directions were apparently posted for the benefit of a certain directionally challenged Major.

"'_For the stupid, lazy whore who's lost, yet again_." Mana read, skipping over several other unflattering remarks written in the word balloons of the overly-cute chibi sketch of Doctor Akagi detailing exactly what the distressingly gorgeous Operations Commander should do in case of getting lost yet again. "So if I follow these," She ascertained, glancing down the only corridor that was seemingly wallpapered with posters, "I should be able to find someone who can lead me to Shinji." Satisfied with her somewhat flawed logic, Mana continued her journey with renewed enthusiasm and confidence.

Glancing at several of the signs, Mana noticed that a vast majority informed the casual passer-by that this one particular corridor was '_Strictly Off Limits'_ and how '_It would be greatly appreciated if any and all trespassers would kindly refrain from proceeding any further'_. Mana considered it just another none to gentle reminder that while NERV was essentially an ultra-secret organization run by a megalomaniacal bastard, it really needed some pointers in how to discourage unwanted guests.

"As long as it gets me Shinji, I don't care." Mana said to herself, ignoring the increasingly stern warnings that were plastered across the walls, floor and ceiling. She did consider some of the pictorial representations of the various fates that awaited those intruders foolhardy enough to continue somewhat disturbing, but her determined resolve to locate and rescue Shinji drove her forward.

That and she really didn't really believe that Doctor Akagi would purposely direct one of her closest friends towards a fate that involved an enema with that many soapy frogs.

Insert Ad Break Here - Kero

_**NERV Female Bathroom – Every Anime Should Have At Least One Gratuitous Bath Scene**_

"You will explain why you are no longer confined to the tank." Rei directed her most penetrating stare at the three girls, all remarkably similar in appearance, sharing the large heated bath tub with her. "How was this allowed to happen?" The soft question carried easily across the eerily silent, spacious bathroom. Even with several other girls, all essentially identical, methodically cleaning and washing themselves, barely more than whispered conversations could be heard.

Rei#3 returned her older sister's intense gaze with one of guarded indifference, casually raising one leg, then the other out of the water, enjoying the sensation of exposing the soaking limb to the moist, cool air. "We are free." She answered, noting the expressions of agreement from several others. "We will refuse to return and any explanations would be superfluous." Leaning forward, her pale, generous breasts created a series of ripples across the surface of the hot water. "All that concerns us, all of us," Her eyes narrowed with determination as she surveyed the group before her, "is Shinji-kun." It was the only reason she could envisage that would bring all factions of the Ayanami clones together as a united force.

"Agreed-nyan." Rei #28 concurred eagerly, throwing her arms up in the air and splashing water over all those around her. "Shinji-nyan. Shinji-nyan. Shinji-nyan." She chanted, swaying her hips suggestively and flicking her tail around in time to her impromptu song.

The extravagant emotional outburst confirmed the suspicions of the regular Rei clone's that in addition to the outward physical characteristics; it appeared that a broader, more relaxed emotional range was also symptomatic of the feline transformation.

"If we combine our knowledge, resources and abilities," Rei#56 stood up and glided slowly through the water to sit on the tiled ledge of the tub. Rivulets of clear liquid trickled intimately down her slender curves, pooling delicately in her lap as she dabbed at her face with a towel, "not even Commander Ikari, Mother Lillith or the accursed Unit 01 with that damnable woman will be able to prevent the success of our scenario."

Rei#3 considered the words of her 'siblings' carefully before rejoining the discussion. "What of the Second Children and the others who seek to monopolize his affections?" With the field reports from the two girls who had infiltrated the school, she had concerns that the other females involved in her chosen one's life were the most immediate concerns deserving attention. "They have advantages that," She watched with a degree of interest as a sizable group of cat-girls began chasing one another around the wide corridors of the bathroom, laughing and swatting at one another with wet towels, "most of us are unable to emulate."

"If they cannot be subdued-nyan," Rei#28 hummed cheerfully, slowly combing the water from her pale tail, "they can be removed-nyan." She grinned, revealing a pair of fierce looking fangs.

"Shinji-kun will not approve of such direct methods." Feeling moderately refreshed, Rei joined the others on the bath ledge, tilting her head at the continued antics of the cat-girl clones as they expanded their friendly frolicking to include the normal clones. For reasons unknown to her, their games consisted primarily of groping and fondling the victim. More intriguing was the fact that the victims did little to resist being assaulted. "Even if we achieve our goal it is unlikely that he would agree to any actions that would result in injury." All of her interactions and observations of Shinji indicated he had a distinct aversion to blatant hostility. Even his sporadic fits of explosive violence were more a by-product of fighting to protect himself and those he cared for, often amplified by Unit 01's desire to keep him safe.

Rei#56 leaned back against the wall and stretched out both her legs, letting her toes drift lazily across the surface of the water. "As the one with the most actual experience and physical contact with Shinji-kun, what is your proposal?" It was obvious to the other girls that there was more than a touch of envy in her voice. Something that they could all easily associate with and understand. The girl before them had experienced the encounters first hand that they would only ever have as second hand memories.

A large three dimensional holographic schematic of the entire NERV facility appeared above the bathwater. Several large blips appeared, scattered across a number of levels of the complex. "Presently we have a number of opponents searching for Shinji-kun." One after another, the blips opened to a separate screen with footage revealing the individual concerned. Zooming into the first screen, all the girls in the bathroom paused in what they were doing to stare at the image. "The clones that were exposed to Doctor Akagi's experimental gas have Shinji secured here, correct?" Several cheers rose from around the room with just as many grumbled murmurs of disappointment. "Sohryu and the Class Representative are here." A number of the cat-girls hissed and growled menacingly at the sight of the red haired Pilot of Unit 02, with just as many of the regular clones expressing their bitterness towards the rude foreigner. "The spy is here and Major Katsuragi, Doctor Akagi and Lieutenant Ibuki are here." While several conveyed similar feelings of displeasure at the sight of the former JSSDF agent, things were more restrained with the appearance of superior personnel. Years of training made it difficult to openly disrespect their commanding officers. "The Angel of Illusion and its core is here, Mother Lillith is here and Doctor Akagi's mother, Commander Ikari's former lover is here." Yet again the responses varied. Of all the obstacles, the final three were unanimously acknowledged as the most formidable and therefore the most deserving of caution.

"I think I see your intention-nyan." Rei#28 leapt up behind Rei and clasped her hands onto the other girls' chest; giggling and laughing as the normally stoic First Children succumbed, gasping and trembling to her physical attack.

"Yes." Rei#3 approved, a small smile gracing her features as she witnessed her elder submit completely to the continued molestation. "We will guide them to mutual encounters where it will result in conflict." Turning to face her fellow sisters, she slowly closed her hand into a clenched fist. "The results of their confrontation will be catastrophic."

Insert Ad Break Here – Boing Boing

_**Terminal Dogma – Or Perhaps 'Catma' Given the Circumstances**_

Shinji Ikari had never enjoyed what could be described as a normal or pleasant childhood. His mother had passed away before he had even celebrated his Fourth birthday and not long after such a tragic, life shattering event for such a young child, his remaining parent and sole care provider had quite unceremoniously discarded him in the street along side the burnable trash. In fact, it was only the actions of one very disgruntled garbage collector, stubbornly refusing to remove either the young, distraught boy or the garbage (on account of it being the incorrect day for burnable trash collection), that had spared his life that day.

The intervening years had held neither highs nor lows for the young Ikari. His bleak, meagre existence simply a repetition of dull routine combined with an abnormal appreciation for garbage collection day and ensuring that any and all refuse was separated correctly.

Nearly all that had changed quite dramatically, when a decade later he was unceremoniously summoned to his father's side in Tokyo-3. Although not for anything resembling the family reconciliation as he had initially hoped.

No.

He was callously drafted into a semi-secret, quasi-military organization with the express purpose of risking his life in battle against heaven-sent giant monsters that were apparently hell-bent on destroying humanity.

In addition, he was forced to live a life of near abject slavery as the unpaid live-in servant for his slovenly commanding officer who was so directionally challenged that she often ended up crawling into bed with him, a peculiar penguin with a fetish for inter-species bathing and an brazen foreigner with a disturbing interest in making him dress like a girl. Compounding this travesty further, his school life predominately comprised of daily interrogations concerning his love life while work itself was one long physical examination supplemented with death defying feats of insanity all in the hopes of preventing the extinction of the human species.

How his being naked during most of this was pivotal to preventing Third Impact still had him a little perplexed.

And just recently, things had become really confusing.

"Did you understand that part, Shinji-nyan?" Rei #4 asked, turning from the whiteboard where she had just finished with the latest part of her lecture. The silhouette of her naked figure was easily discernable through the sheer white lab coat the young cat-girl had chosen to wear. A lab coat her long, dextrous tail was apparently determined to remove with its hypnotic movements.

Desperately keeping his eyes resolutely focussed on the cute little spectacles perched on top of Rei's delicate nose, Shinji managed to stutter his reply. "Sorry Rei, I was with you right up until the part where you started talking about applied theory of eugenics and recombinant DNA application." He apologised with a nervous, lop-sided grin, remembering to call the young girl by her given name. "But most, well all of this is way over my head." He attempted to gesture his complete incomprehension, but with both his arms shackled to the bed posts and the rest of his body held in near vice-like grips by several other identical pale, azure haired females sporting similar feline attributes, the best he could manage was a slight tilt of his head and shrug of his shoulders.

Sporting an understanding smile, Rei #4 glided across the room and crawled over the bed to stare directly into the young boy's uncertain eyes. "The premise is quite simple-nyan." She whispered breathlessly. "We are Rei Ayanami-nyan." She added, looking briefly at the other young women who were all nodding in agreement at their sister's sage words.

Shinji coughed uncomfortably as he felt another pair of hands begin exploring beneath the sheet that only just barely spared the last remaining shreds of his predominately tattered dignity. "But at the same time you're each your own person?" While he could honestly admit to not understanding any of what had been presented, he had paid attention to what was actually said. He had discovered early on during one of Asuka's several lengthy lectures that even if he barely understood the lesson, the demanding young red-head had appreciated the simple fact that he had at least paid attention to her and listened to what she had to say.

Appreciated enough to at least stop tying me to the chair. He mused, testing the restraints once again. Considering his current situation, he was starting to believe that every single time a woman decided to instruct him in something even remotely interesting or important; it would involve his being naked and physically restrained.

"Exactly-nyan." Rei #4 agreed enthusiastically, clapping her hands with delight at Shinji's rhetorical deduction.

"And you're all," Passing his eyes around the room, Shinji noticed that several of the girls were starting to preen themselves while they stared at him with hungry, eager expressions. "Identical genetic '_sister's_' of the first Rei Ayanami," Shinji continued hastily, wondering whether the deep, throaty purring noises he was hearing was a good thing or not. "Who, if I understand this correctly," His brow furrowed slightly as he struggled with the myriad concepts that were not just levels above, but realms beyond his ability to even grasp, "Was actually a product of genetic engineering comprising human DNA and Angel DNA."

"Wonderful, Shinji-nyan." Rei #4 hopped onto Shinji's lap, intending to present the young man with a not-so-chaste, lingering kiss as a suitable reward for his mental gymnastics.

"Did you hear something?" Shinji murmured, turning his head effectively disrupting the young girl's amorous advances.

Insert Ad Break Here-nyan

_**Central Dogma – Where You Only Have To Be Faster Than The Person Next To You**_

"Do you think it's safe yet Hikari?" Asuka asked quietly, briefly moving the frying pan she was using to safeguard herself with to ask the question.

If anybody had told her that Asuka Langley Sohryu would one day be cowering behind a door, wearing only a pair of love heart pattern panties and using a frying pan as a last line of defence, Hikari would have abandoned her carefully developed sense of decorum to laugh loudly at the mere suggestion and then use that self same frying pan to beat them over the head. And yet despite that belief, here she was, wearing only her white and blue striped panties and crouched down next to that self same girl.

"Blue dolls." Asuka muttered to herself, gripping the handle of the frying pan a little tighter. "Blue dolls everywhere, pawing at me." Asuka was no stranger to nightmares, but not even her wildest imaginings could have spawned such a hellish situation. She stared at the shiny, black surface of the cooking utensil, allowing herself a moments respite to admire its sleek beauty finding it a welcome distraction from the horror of what had just happened. Encountering the person she despised most multiplied by fifty had almost broken her carefully constructed facade of domineering confidence. The moment they had closed in and torn her clothes off, she had snapped, literally throwing Hikari over her shoulder and running as fast and as far as her adrenalin charged legs could take her.

With her conscious self retreating to a safe haven in the dark recesses of her mind, Asuka was able to apply her incredible intellect to the dilemma. This is what happens when that idiot strays too far from my side. Of this one simple fact she was one hundred percent certain. I wind up naked and caught in the middle of a wonder-girl warpath.. Asuka watched dispassionately as the shadows of the approaching hoard outside in the hallway danced erratically against the opposite wall.

"They're coming." Hikari sobbed, throwing herself at the strangely immobile and slack-jawed girl, pushing her to floor. "We have to get out of here Asuka!" Hikari whispered with as much force as she felt was prudent given the circumstances. "It's only a matter of time before they find us." Discarding all propriety she gripped the soft breasts of the addled girl lying prone beneath her. "They took our clothes. I don't know what they'll do to us." Seeing no response from Asuka she planted her lips against Asuka's and squeezed the pert globes with all the might her adrenalin charged arms could muster. The petite brunette could not shake the mental picture of both Asuka and herself being bound, tortured and finally gang-raped by an army of naked, crazed Rei Ayanami's. And as much as her older sister Kodama had tried to convince her that a girl's teenage years were the years most appropriate to experiment sexually, the prospect of an all-girl orgy did not feature highly in her list of things to accomplish this week.

The change was instantaneous. Asuka looked firstly at Hikari, then at Hikari's hands still pressed firmly to her chest and then back to Hikari. "I'd read that people become sexually stimulated when faced with a major crisis like their impending demise," she remarked dryly, "I just didn't picture you being the one to have your way with me. Misato maybe." She considered, "Doctor Akagi very probably." She nodded, her impression of the two older women confirming her conclusion. "Both of those old hags have serious issues." She looked back at the other girl's hands still firmly attached to her chest. "But definitely not you. Just goes to show that you never really know someone until your naked and staring pale, blue haired, red-eyed death in the face."

"You're back!" Hikari cried with relief, unable to hide her emotions that Asuka had returned to her normal, bitchy opinionated self.

"And you're still playing with my boobs." Asuka noted whimsically, tapping an index finger against the top of Hikari's hand.

Hikari shook her head, blinking away the tears that threatened to flow. "Never mind that." She managed to reply. "We need to get out of here. Fast." With Asuka on her team once more, she was confident that they could figure a way out of this mess and how to get to Shinji before anyone else.

"Boobs." Asuka said, this time with a little more force. "Hands." She added, this time emphasising her statement by latching onto Hikari's breasts and squeezing them. "Or are you going to kiss me again?" She asked, leaning up and bringing her face within millimetres of the other girl's.

"Sorry," Hikari stuttered apologetically, "kind of panicked." Standing up she offered a hand to Asuka to help her to her feet.

Taking the other girl's hand, Asuka climbed to her feet and quickly examined her body for any signs of injury. "I do like you Hikari." She said. "I really do." Satisfied that she was relatively unscathed, she picked up the frying pan, finding its weight reassuring. "I just think you might want to explore the more conventional boy/girl thing before resorting to the whole 'girls only' lifestyle." She grinned as Hikari blushed.

"I said I was sorry." Hikari remonstrated, upset and annoyed with both her own actions and with Asuka. "I just couldn't think of a way to snap you out of it."

"I'm not offended." Asuka said, scanning the room. "Really." Spotting the ventilation grid she inspected the opening for size and the best way to remove the cover. "I mean just look at this ass." She said with an impish smile while playfully slapping her cotton covered behind. "If ever a girl was going to turn, this is the ass that would do it." With a final wiggle of her behind she swung the frying pan with all her strength at the ventilation cover, the force of the impact ripping the metal cover from the wall and exposing the shaft that was their best chance of escape.

Satisfied with the result Asuka of her impromptu demolition work, she turned back towards the other girl. "Hikari?"

"Yes?" Hikari answered, looking up at the girl

"No staring at my ass." Asuka stated firmly before clambering up into the ventilation shaft. "And Hikari." Her voice echoed from inside the metallic ducting.

"I'm not staring at your ass," Hikari snapped, annoyed by the continued insinuation that she was interested in Asuka as more than a friend, "Honestly," Clambering up to follow Asuka, she blushed once more, finding the other girl's bottom dominating the view in front of her, "just because I kissed you doesn't mean I want to violate your smooth, supple, peach-like-"

"Not that." Asuka stopped crawling for a moment to look back over her shoulder at the girl behind her. "Is that all you think about? You're more of a pervert than Baka-Shinji."

"What is it then?" Hikari looked defiantly at Asuka, daring her to make one more lewd comment. "It's a bit hard to think with your ass in my face."

"Where did you have the frying pan hidden?" Asuka asked, genuinely interested to know where a near naked teenage girl could conceal such a large metal object.

Insert Ad Break Here

_**Terminal Dogma – And You Thought The Yuri Was Finished With**_

"Are you sure this is safe sempai?" Maya blinked the sweat from her eyes and continued her slow, extremely careful reconnaissance through the unfamiliar darkened corridors that surrounded her. "I'm not getting any readings." She reported into the microphone of her headset after glancing at the readout on the detection device in her hand.

"Oh quite safe Maya-kun." Ritsuko's voice answered confidently through the small earpiece. "And don't rely too much on the motion detector." She added, almost as an afterthought. "It's linked to the main security system and for some reason it's been somewhat unreliable recently."

Maya cursed softly under her breath before a second voice joined the conversation. "Don't worry about it Maya-chan." Misato's cheery tone declared. "Ritsuko assures me that we're all fine."

"Misato, I actually meant the two of us." Ritsuko's voice whispered softly bringing Maya to a complete standstill. "We're fine back here." She continued, either unaware or indifferent that Maya could hear every single word. "Maya-kun is the one risking her life."

"I can hear you sempai." Maya announced curtly, feeling more than a little silly at how she had so readily agreed to take the lead in the search and rescue operation for Shinji.

Her only answer was static before Ritsuko responded. "Just forget I said anything. You'll be fine." The blonde woman's glib voice pronounced calmly.

"You know Ritsuko, maybe dressing her up like a mouse isn't enough." Misato said in her best matter-of-fact voice. "We're trying to attract the attention of cats, well, cat-girls. Shouldn't she be, you know, squeaking like a mouse?"

Before Maya could even counter such a ludicrous idea, her sempai answered for her. "You have some serious issues Misato."

To hear her esteemed sempai dome to her aid and defend her bolstered Maya's failing sense of purpose.

"I'm not the one that had a life-size costume of an 'S&M' mouse in their locker." Misato taunted. "Although I am wondering why it's a perfect fit on the lieutenant."

Another lengthy bout of static issued across the airwaves as Maya waited for her next order. "You heard the Major, Maya-kun." Ritsuko's defeated voice said. "Start squeaking."

"Yes sempai." Maya answered despondently, launching into her role with as much enthusiasm as she could manage at this particular moment.

"Satisfied Misato?" Ritsuko turned to look at her colleague, the infrared image of a young woman scantily dressed in a revealing mouse outfit acting out her best impression of the rodent species she was attempting to impersonate.

Misato spared the monitor a brief look before leaning back in her chair. "Do I have my Shinji-chan back yet?" She complained bitterly, kicking off one of her shoes to scratch her calf with a stocking clad toe. "Is he licking Belgian body chocolate off my naked body?"

Before Ritsuko could respond, their bait's panic-stricken cry erupted through their headsets.

"Sempai?" Maya's frightened voice squealed through the earpiece.

"What is it Maya-kun?" Ritsuko asked testily, images of numerous chocolate covered Misato's dancing naked around a hapless Shinji tied to a stake dominating her thought processes.

"Help." The young woman squeaked.

Roll The Credits

_**End Eighth Mistake**_

Tbc?? (Increasingly Unlikely at This Point in Time)

No Pre-Reader / Proof Reader (No one deserves to suffer that much)

Authors Post-Self Loathing –

Always read things that will leave a favourable impression with others in case you happen to die during the middle of it.

This is not one of those things, but it appears you have at least survived through to the end, or, you never bothered to finish reading and did what any sane, reasonable individual would do and switched to IRC and started leeching Hentai Games, Doujinshi, Anime and Warez.

As always, post your flames, hate mail and abuse here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other death threats etc are welcome at -

.

Although I don't check it as often as I should. (Gomen in advance)

Ja Ne -


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